Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Already experiencing empty nest

Noah has been doing a little less groaning and a lot more chattering in the last couple of days. He puffs out his cheeks, puckers his lips and goes “ba da da da ba ba maaa.” I can’t even express how adorable it is. And he looks as though he is speaking with such purpose, and maybe he is but he can’t seem to make himself understood.

It will be a long time before first words and though I don’t want to rush one moment of his childhood I’m excited for him to learn to communicate. Not to mention have some of those “Kids say the darndest things” moments. At four years old my nephews James and Julius were all sorts of precocious and funny on Sunday. When James told me Noah had a “tornado head” it took me a moment to realize that he was referring to the way Noah’s hair emanates from an eye of the storm circle on the back of his head. When Julius got a Darth Vader popsicle he told Mark that Darth Vader was on “the dark side of the flowers.” I so look forward to the funny little comments Noah will some day make.

Ofelia’s boys at 4, 14 and 20 got me thinking about all the stages Noah will go through. The 14 year old twins were completely in their own world. They preferred being off on their own skateboarding in the development to hanging out with the family. And they are already in that teen eye-rolling phase where you can tell that anyone older than them is SO uncool. Fourteen seems like a tough age. But to me the scariest stage is the one that 20 year old Joe is in. He’s in the Marines and Ofelia says almost every time she gets to talk to him on the phone that she cries afterwards. She said it’s hard to remember that he’s a grown man now, that he’s less communicative, less sensitive and has his own thing going on. She said she wants to tell him she is worried about him and that he should be careful, but she has to tone it down because is he sees how much she worries about him and wants to protect him that he’ll pull away.

One of the things that concerns me about raising a boy is what our relationship will be like when he’s grown. I don’t think boys are as good about calling their moms, about talking with their moms about their lives. Of course I’m just generalizing and I don’t have much real evidence to make those assumptions on. It’s just another thing to worry about because I never have enough. Not even with Mark suggesting this weekend that when Noah stiffens up sometimes that it might not be gas or his temper as I had supposed but could be some kind of muscle spasm or seizure. We both realize this is absolutely preposterous and have dismissed it, but it doesn’t stop me from getting worried again every time he does it.

On the invitations to my baby shower Patrice included a quote about how hard it is to have your child/your heart out their walking around in the world without you always there protect it. And GOD is that true. Hell – even when I’m here to protect Noah I’m worrying about what might go wrong in 20 years time.

Anywho – Noah and I have a lunch date with my mom today so we better get a move on.


patrice said...

only you would begin to worry about him pulling away when he's a young adult while he's less than 7 months old!! of course, I'm already worried about girl cliques in junior high, so...

we can't help but look into the future, though. there's not enough past to reminisce about with them. ha!

TD said...

Keep in mind that kids (being people and whatnot) are all different. At age 20, both of my brothers called my moms regularly to talk about EVERYTHING, loved to come home for holidays and long weekends, and even hugged them without being begged (or forced!).
Some might say it was all the extra estrogen in our house, but I think that's just the way my brothers are.

No matter what, Noah is going to be thankful for what a wonderful, loving parent you are, and though he may not always "need" you or be inclined to tell you exactly how he feels at all times, you'll always be his mom. And he'll always love you.

BTW? At age 14 my brothers were absolute nightmares, but it didn't last too long. Just sayin'.

Missuz J said...

I was glad to read that you got over your slump. There are days when I'm home with Sophie and I think if I don't find an adult to talk to I'll go nuts. I also worry about Sophie growing up--becoming a sassy teenager or worse--giving into Utah peer pressure and becomming a Mormon (gasp-horror!) All I know is that I love her more today than yesterday--exponentialy more than the day she was born--and hopefully that will get us through whatever. The sap dripping from that last sentence is clogging up my keyboard--so I guess that meens I'd better go do some laundry.

Jen O. said...

Niki, Niki, Niki. Even before Noah was born, you constantly worried about everything. Sit back. Relax. Take a deep breath. Think about how RIGHT everything is, as opposed to how wrong it potentially could be one day 20 years from now. Try to enjoy the here and now, cause it's here. And, uh, it's now.

NME said...

It is my enjoyment of now and my observation that things are good that make me fear what is around the corner. Because nothing this good lasts. Someday my blessings will run out and I don't want to be taken by surprise when it happens.