Monday, November 21, 2005

I like plain Rice Krispies with a little sugar on top and I don't drink the milk.

We saw THREE movies this weekend. Crazy! Yesterday we went to the THEATER to see Goblet of Fire. “It was Potterrific!” The otherworldly escapism was just what I needed. I’m amazed at the level of quality they’ve maintained for the series. I really think I like each one a little more than the last. The only weirdness is that steamy 17 yo Rupert Grint looks about as close to 14 as he does 50. What are they gonna do for the next three films? Friday and Saturday night we watched Netflix movies we’ve had lying around the house for nearly two months. I totally recommend the Italian film “I’m not scared” but wouldn’t say the same for “Bride and Predjudice” – visually stunning (not just Aishwarya Rai) and a cool idea to combine Bollywood and Pride and Prejudice but would’ve helped loads had they had a less crap Darcy.

Saturday we went to Franklin Fountain for Francesca’s birthday party. Noah, Mark and I shared a Mt. Vesuvius sundae – vanilla ice cream, hot fudge, brownies, whip cream and malted powder. YUM. Only problem – not enough fudge. Course I prefer more fudge than ice cream so I’m ALWAYS saying that. If I had known Franklin Fountain existed while I was pregnant I would have gained 90 pounds. It was a beautiful crispy sunshiney day and it was nice to get out of the house briefly. It should be no surprise that Noah spent the first half of the birthday party clinging and the second half running back and forth in the ice cream parlor. That afternoon I mopped the kitchen and Mark started on weatherizing our home. Unfortunately he did SUCH a good job putting that sealant tape around the door to keep out drafts that when he was finished we couldn’t get the door shut. Oops.

So now more on our trip to the movies. As I mentioned, I LOVED the movie, and once it started I was nowhere but Hogwarts. But on the way to the theater I was a horrible clenched up ball of anxiety and sadness. I said to Mark “WHAT is wrong with me that I’m so freaked out about leaving my son with my mother for three hours when I know she’s more than capable of caring for him and he’s probably going to have a great time?” Mark was nice enough to say there wasn’t anything WRONG with me, that I just was worried that Noah would get upset and I wouldn’t be there to comfort him. And Mark was dead right. The way I think of it is that as his mother and his primary caretaker it is my job to fulfill his needs, and in the instances when I can’t fill a particular need (like the need to eat a crayon or stick his finger in a socket) that I should at the very least be there to comfort him. He trusts me to do so and it’s of the utmost importance to me to preserve that trust. So when it’s time for me to be away from him during his waking hours I have this horrible fear that there will be a moment when he’ll really need me, really want me for comfort and I won’t be there – and he’ll feel abandoned, betrayed. And not only will our bond be weaker but his perception of his world will be altered. A little over the top, right? I KNOW. I’m just explaining my thought process which I think has some small truth to it, even if it’s a bit overinflated and overdramatic. I can go to the movies and leave the boy with his Grandma and he’ll have a wonderful time and all will be well. And is well. But this is where my head goes when I’m driving away. This same feeling is what prevents me from leaving Noah to cry it out. As it is now, Noah KNOWS I will be there for him because I ALWAYS am – and I’m not comfortable changing that quite yet. Sure, learning to self comfort is part of growing up, but I don’t think he’s ready for it quite yet. And I know I’m not. And of course I need to end by saying that all kids and parents are different – and there are just as many “RIGHT” ways to do things as there are flavors of breakfast cereal. You can share in my box and eat it as is, top it with bananas or go get your own. Thanks for your comments and support.

5 comments:

Jen said...

I think I would be just like you if I had a kid. As it is I worry myself half to death about the happiness and well-being of my dogs and bird. I don't think there is anything wrong with it; it just shows you care, and I am sure that once he gets older you will naturally feel more comfortable about leaving him with other people.

Missuz J said...

Oh Mommy Nicole. I've said it before, I'll say it again. Noah is so lucky to have such a caring mom. I just hope you don't get a ulcer before he turns 2.

I like Honey Nut Cheerios--just a teeny bit soggy--and I do drink the milk.

lonna said...

I think that you know your child better than anyone and that can be scary when you leave him with someone and comforting when you are the one doing the caregiving. That makes you a wonderful mom. If you think that Noah can not handle a lot of stress like meeting lots of people, being left with someone else, or not being comforted to sleep, then he can't. We let Dermot cry it out even though I swore that I would never do that. I was at my wit's end, and I am so not proud of having done it. I will say that it worked for him, but Dermot has been in daycare since he was 6 weeks old and he has just been exposed to a ton of stuff away from us. He has also handled it all very well. Now what makes me sad is that he doesn't rely on me as much as I thought a toddler would and that makes me sad. So if Noah did take a lot of things in stride, then you would probably doubt yourself in that way. It boils down to the fact that parents who care want to protect their children, and unfortunately this involves a lot of self doubt mixed with a lot of confidence that borders on stubbornness to other people (if that makes any sense).

Anonymous said...

I worry about both of my children when they are with someone else, even my mom. She is a GREAT grandmother and I trust her completely, but I feel like you do when it comes to meeting all of their needs. My husband and I have never gone on a trip together without the kids because I'm just not ready to leave them yet. I know plenty of people that leave their babies with their parents for the weekend, but I just CAN'T do it. You're NOT alone!

hazel said...

I feel the same way when bella and I are together. probably it is the financial necessity of having to take her to daycare that doesn't make me feel this way when I leave her there or with babysitters. when she cries, I just have to pick her up and make it all better. I want her to know that when I am there, I will make things okay.

though I too hope you don't get an ulcer by the time he's 2.

oh, and the thought of drinking the milk makes me feel like wretching.