Friday, September 22, 2006

I've been so very lucky.

We had our fertility doc appointment today. And it was off to a great start when I got there and they didn’t have my referral paperwork and were not going to see me until they had it in hand. Several weeks ago my OB told me to make an appointment at this practice and told me he’d give me a referral if my health insurance would cover it yet when I called the referral line at his office they told me they only handled the referrals of pregnant women. I called my insurance company and was told that my OB could give me the referral so I left a very long and informative message on the referral line explaining it all and telling them where to send the referral and to call me if there were any issues. I meant to follow-up the day before my appointment but forgot. So of course no referral. I then spent the next half hour on my cell with both my OB and my primary care physician until they EACH sent over a referral and I could be seen. Insanity.

So the bottom line is that we aren’t really infertile but sub-fertile. Neither of us are the most fertile people on the planet and the result of that is conceiving a child is a little more like winning the lottery to us – with Noah a major jackpot. We can keep slogging along waiting to strike gold again the natural way or we can start aiding Mother Nature. I think we’ll probably try it the old fashion way for a bit longer and then ready to bring out the big guns in the New Year if need be. Maybe. I don't know.

I’m a little cautious about how to progress. The week Noah was conceived we went to Atlantic City for the day. I have always had a reasonable amount of luck in gambling endeavors – nothing extreme but just a little bump to the luckier side. In my head before the trip I remember bargaining with the Gods that I didn’t want to waste any luck on the slots or the tables – that I only wanted to cash in on my luck by getting pregnant. And I’m pretty sure I threw in a “just this once.” I’m not a religious person and I’m not VERY spiritual but I do feel we share this world with otherworldly powers that occasionally throw some assistance or a wrench our way. And I really do feel that my bargain paid off – and that maybe I’m going back on that if I forget about the possible “just this once.” Maybe it sounds silly to you, but the thought keeps lingering with me.

But the bottom line is that I desperately want to have another child. At least one, actually. More for Noah than for myself. I SO desperately want him to have siblings with whom to share his life – now and all of his years. I was a pretty lonely kid growing up an only child and I really value my half-siblings though they came later and never lived with me. The question I guess is - is it wrong to go to more advanced measures to conceive – or should we just be happy with the lovely, incredible and blessed boy we have already received and keep our damn mouths shut?

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

There is absolutely nothing wrong with going ahead with some extra help. A child is a blessing!

Stine said...

My thoughts are with you my dear. I understand only too well your desires to conceive again.

So if natural methods prove to be difficult, would you do IVF? AI?

And how long do you think you'd go the "medical help" route?

Do you guys think you'd adopt if that didn't work?

NME said...

Stine - at this point I'd consider hormones and AI but I'm not so sure about IVF. From all that I've heard it is such a painful and heartbreaking process. But I guess I'd never say never. Time will tell.

I'd definitely consider adopting. I had been doing research into global adoption firms when we finally conceived Noah. And I'd even consider adopting a toddler - but a child older than that offers so many challenges, ones I don't think it would be right to force on Noah. I've often thought of being a foster parent looking to adopt but since my step sister in-law had a boy and girl taken away from her after being with her for a year - it's hard to not concentrate on the downside. But normal American adoption is so resrictive and cost prohibitive that I doubt we could swing it or even qualify.

I know Stine that you have your own heartbreak in this arena and my heart really goes out to you. I don't know the particulars but I do send you warm wishes and a happy resolution. I know you have alot of love to give.

Stine said...

It's all good NME. I'm finally to a point that I can have honest excited and very happy feelings when I people I know (virtual or otherwise), get pregnant, are trying to conceive, or just want another child. And I totally understand your reservations on IVF. The process just seems emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually daunting.

Besides, like I said in my blog, I just found a great agency that just might perfect for Ly and I. It will happen if an when it's meant to.

Keep us posted on your efforts. Thinking about you.

lonna said...

I used to make my students write papers about "how far they would go" if they had fertility problems, and it would run the gamut. Granted to some extent what do desperately-not-trying-to-get-pregnant 19 year-olds know, but still. My point is that this whole area is totally a personal thing. I think that having already had one child helps a little bit in helping you set your personal boundaries.

I think that if your family does not feel complete, then you need to somehow find a way to fill that gap. That could mean different fertility techniques, adoption, or coming to peace with what you have. Unfortunately it all boils down to what is right for the three of you. I certainly wish you luck. Julie at a little pregnant is dealing with similar issues about trying to have number two.

Katiemagic said...

I've really been thinking about you guys and hoping that things were going well in this arena.

Of course you're not wrong for wanting another child. Whatever you decide to do, it will be the right thing for your family.

You have already done such a great job of getting Noah interacting with other kids. If you don't have (or adopt) another child I don't think he will feel so terribly alone.

I wish you more luck (you can borrow some of mine!) and peace with whatever decision you come to.

xo

patrice said...

the only person who can answer that question is you.

it's just all such a, for lack of better word, crapshoot. you could adopt a child and love it, or that child could be difficult. you could have a child yourself and he or she might get along well with noah and fulfill your own dreams of a sibling, or he or she could constantly fight with noah and make you claw your eyes out. you could do IVF and have twins, or you could experience some very painful loss. it's hard that the decision you make to go forward doesn't necessarily guarantee the outcome that you associate with it.

there are some decisions that you can't overthink. I know that sounds ridiculous, especially coming from me, but it feels like this decision is one where you make it and never, ever look back. there aren't alot of things in this world that you're positively sure of...this doesn't sound any different.

there, did that help? sorry.

one thing I do want to say is that in my own opinion, you should have another child because you want one, not for noah. because again, the relationship he'd have with that child is not something you can necessarily predict or control.

I have every confidence that you'll wind up very happy, no matter what path you choose.

juliloquy said...

Can I just say, you and your commenters rock, NME? What wise women! The only thing I have to throw in in addition to what has been said above is that if you and Mark decide it is right for your family, it is NOT wrong to go to more advanced measures to conceive. It sounds to me like you both are sensitive, intelligent people and I am confident you will find the (your) right answers. I am sending good wishes your way. (The Atlantic City story is great! Will you tell Noah? I only recently found out that I was conceived at Crater Lake OR!)

OldMotherHubbardSharesAll said...

There are some things that drive me NUTS about our society (maybe it's just the crowd I've been introduced to...but)

First when my best friend delivered her first child after 28 hours of hard labor the doctor did a C-Section. Her Mother in Law asked are you disappointed you couldn't deliver naturally. Like she did something wrong! The way I look at it the baby was in her womb and then in her arms just like any mothers and it DIDN'T MATTER HOW IT GOT THERE!

Second: A friend had to go through everything known to man to concieve and a lady at our church said "Honey, you should concieve a baby naturally w/o the help of a doctor." I was so mad! If I could have thought fast on my feet I would have said to the lady who was in a wheel chair because of surgery "You should have waited until your ingrown toenail had fallen off naturally w/o the help of a doctor." But instead I just reassured my friend that there was nothing wrong with seeking help from someone more Knowledgable in any area of our life!

I think a baby is a blessing and if it takes a little help from a doctor then GO FOR IT!!!

Don't even get me started on adoption or grandparents reactions to step grandchildren. URGHHHHHHH

Carol said...

I'm looking at this from a different perspective. I raised you as an only child and I think there are benefits and downfalls to being an only child. I pretty much was able to give you everything you needed and wanted, but as your mother, my heart also breaks when I see how hard you work to keep up relationships with your half-sibs - to fill your need for family. Noah is such a sweet boy - he will make a fabulous big brother. And, you and Mark are, (in my predjudiced opinion) such a wonderful parents. I think that whatever higher power may have heard your promise, he/she/they are probably thinking - forget what she said - these two should raise as many kids as they want - every parent should be this good! And my final point - I could really use another grandbaby!!

Kat said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Kat said...

If you want another baby, get another baby. It's not selfish because you aren't doing it because you want a girl instead of a boy or because Noah isn't what you wanted. You have more love to share with another human being. The best advice I have heard about TTC is to relax a little and try not to stress yourself out. It sounds like you know where you want to go with this and that is excellent that you have a plan and a back-up plan and that you are very happy with your precious little boy.

NME said...

Thank you everyone for your kind and thoughtful comments.