Thursday, June 01, 2006

mrs. self distruct

About five years ago I was seeing a therapist. The issue I wanted to deal with specifically was my self loathing – specifically body image. I really loved my therapist and she helped me work through a lot but not as much as joining Weight Watchers and losing some weight did. Once I dropped some pounds, I discontinued my therapy. I felt good about myself. Better than I ever had. More therapy would have helped more on the long term, but I stopped cringing when I looked in the mirror and that was pretty spectacular for me.

Five years, a baby and 20 pounds later I could use some therapy but cheaper yet some weight loss. Yesterday a friend sent me some photos of myself that made me weep. Looking at them I couldn’t believe I go out in public looking like this. My face, so swollen and chubby, my midsection so flabby and lumpy. And it wasn’t just the weight. My hair is horrendous. My skin dreadful. And my teeth are ghoulishly ridiculous. How can I face people looking like this?

Obviously some things can be fixed and some can’t. I decided last week I needed to start a diet and so far it isn’t going well. Of course a major picnic weekend is not the best one on which to start your weight loss initiative. Especially when you have such poor willpower and a defeatist attitude. While at that toddler birthday party this weekend I thought I was showing some restraint until I began talking to a couple that just finished a two week cleansing fast. For TWO WEEKS they ate no solid foods. TWO WEEKS! I felt like kicking them in the teeth. HOW in the hell did they do that? I WANT to do that – but know I couldn’t last two days.

Last night I planned to go to my first yoga class in two years. I was excited. I needed some forward motion, something to feel like I was fighting my wretched unpresentableness. And then the damn instructor didn’t show up. I wanted to cry. Especially since I didn’t go to the class last week because I got the damn stomach flu. Will the gods please work with me a little? PLEASE. I need something to prevent me from falling down deeper into this self hatred hole.


patrice said...

it's definitely self hatred cause it ain't shared by anyone else. not that it matters, I know that.

I think many of us are in a similar boat.

I think you are beautiful and funny and witty and smart and I have always loved your hair.

Katy said...

Wanna do South Beach with me and Becky?? That would be great! A little online support group, people that really like you but aren't their to judge and compare (not that we would but I often think people are when they're not.) and show off their new found skinniness so you don't have to feel like a failure! It would be fun!

PS. I think you're pretty great.

Katiemagic said...

It's like you're inside my brain. I've decided to go to therapy about my self loathing/weight issues. I'm terrified of passing them on to the wee one.

I've taken to avoiding all pictures and usually mirrors.

For the record I think you look beautiful. And when I looked at your recent Jamaica pictures I kept comparing myself to you and beating myself up because you're so thin and I'm fat bastards first cousin.

Healthy no?

Missuz J said...

If it helps at all, I'm right there with ya--body image wise.

Plus, from the pictures I've seen of you, I think you're one hot momma. In fact, I think your rack could give my rack a run for its money. (Pause to create mental image.)

amandak said...

The instructor DIDN'T SHOW UP??? Oh man, that sucks SO much. Keep trying, maybe try another teacher or another studio where they actually show up to teach their classes. I may know some former Philly yoga peeps, want me to ask where's the good place?

(muttering to self) didn't show up.. sheesh...

You are lovely and fabulous, truly.

Jen O. said...

I wish there was something I could say that would make you love yourself no matter what size you are. It hurts your friends and loved ones, who love you no matter, to think that your self-worth is tied to the scale.

And the fasting thing? I can't imagine that's very healthy.

Stine said...

Oh honey, all I can say is I've been there too, and go back there at least once a month. When I feel that way, I always try to tell myself that it is probably far less "insert self-loathing reason here" than I think.

From what I've read, and the pictures I've seen, I second Patrice, you really kind of kick ass my dear.

Baby steps.

NME said...

Thank you everyone for your comments. This post was not intended to get affirmations but to lay bare how I was feeling.

I should share those horrible pictures with you so you could see what set me off - but I can't do it. I know in reality I'm not some troll hiding under the bridge, but nonetheless that is how I sometimes feel.

It seems we are all in the very same boat when it comes to body issues - so in a way it's nice to know I'm in such great company - even though I have nothing but wonderful things to say about each of you.

Katy and Becca - I borrowed my Mom's South Beach book. I'm considering it. But NO FRUIT? NO FRUIT? That can't be right? Plus half the diet is eating eggs and alot of times I am grossed out by them. But I'm considering it.