About five years ago I was seeing a therapist. The issue I wanted to deal with specifically was my self loathing – specifically body image. I really loved my therapist and she helped me work through a lot but not as much as joining Weight Watchers and losing some weight did. Once I dropped some pounds, I discontinued my therapy. I felt good about myself. Better than I ever had. More therapy would have helped more on the long term, but I stopped cringing when I looked in the mirror and that was pretty spectacular for me.
Five years, a baby and 20 pounds later I could use some therapy but cheaper yet some weight loss. Yesterday a friend sent me some photos of myself that made me weep. Looking at them I couldn’t believe I go out in public looking like this. My face, so swollen and chubby, my midsection so flabby and lumpy. And it wasn’t just the weight. My hair is horrendous. My skin dreadful. And my teeth are ghoulishly ridiculous. How can I face people looking like this?
Obviously some things can be fixed and some can’t. I decided last week I needed to start a diet and so far it isn’t going well. Of course a major picnic weekend is not the best one on which to start your weight loss initiative. Especially when you have such poor willpower and a defeatist attitude. While at that toddler birthday party this weekend I thought I was showing some restraint until I began talking to a couple that just finished a two week cleansing fast. For TWO WEEKS they ate no solid foods. TWO WEEKS! I felt like kicking them in the teeth. HOW in the hell did they do that? I WANT to do that – but know I couldn’t last two days.
Last night I planned to go to my first yoga class in two years. I was excited. I needed some forward motion, something to feel like I was fighting my wretched unpresentableness. And then the damn instructor didn’t show up. I wanted to cry. Especially since I didn’t go to the class last week because I got the damn stomach flu. Will the gods please work with me a little? PLEASE. I need something to prevent me from falling down deeper into this self hatred hole.