We finally have our vacation plans set. It’s not as thrilling as Guatemala (we decided to wait until we collectively know more Spanish) or fulfilling as Germany (my Oma really isn’t up to the trip) but we are still excited to go to Williamsburg, Virginia nonetheless. My Aunt got us a free week at a time share there and we can drive thus saving around $1000 in airfare. We will hit Busch Gardens, Colonial Williamsburg and Jamestown as well as some playgrounds and the pool. We won’t have been anywhere in the last 6 months so it will be nice to get away to SOME place. And we’re already prepping Noah for the trip – getting out some books on Colonial times from the library. Of course we’d be chasing Ray around in circles no matter where we go.
Noah went through a rough patch at the end of last week. He was being so moody and utterly disagreeable about everything. It was probably a result of a growth spurt of some sort – he has these grumpy patches occasionally. But Mark and I separately came to the conclusion that Ray might have something to do with it. Ray is in this insanely charming, ebullient, show-stopping phase and we are constantly having to stop ourselves from just giggling and gushing about everything he does and says. And we both felt that Ray’s cuteness was taking a toll on Noah. So as a result I am making an effort to give Noah more positive feedback and trying not to openly marvel so much about Ray. And there is a lot of positive feedback to give. Noah’s working really hard at reading and it is damn exciting. He is writing, set designing, directing and acting out his own plays. He has become this incredible social being playing with his friends and always doing such a great job of getting along with them. I am amazed how Noah and his best friend Maia seem to never quarrel – they are both so good at compromising. And he’s finally getting motivated to do some things for himself like putting on his clothes, shoes and jacket. He is growing, learning and impressing me every day.
And as I said Ray is worth gushing about but I can’t even truly communicate how fantastic he is right now. He’s learning new words and getting more and more physically active and able. And he is utterly fascinated by the world and himself. He has started to talk in the third person – constantly calling himself by name. We get a lot of “No. Ray!” to let us know he wants to do things on his own. He jumps, leaps, smiles and giggles. He is truly infectious. It’s hard to think of my favorite things because there are so many. I love how he’s trying to count but it comes out as “one… one… one” with each one said in a slightly intonation. I love how when he hears a baby cries he automatically goes “Baby…. Ahhh.” I adore the way he chimes in enthusiastically to do whatever it is Noah is doing. I am awed by his love and dedication to drawing – he’s drawing really visually interesting patterns of circles and lines. I am overwhelmed at how cuddly, affectionate and fun he is – how adventurous, independent and physical he is. He really is something right now. I want to freeze him like this forever.
I’ve been trying to lose some weight that I put on over the holidays and unhelped by my foot fracture. I lost a few pounds that have me fitting more comfortably in my pants but now my weight seems to be unchanging though I’m still being pretty damn good. It’s frustrating. I’m hoping that with the warm weather will come more regular exercise. I have been embracing every warmer day with walks to the park and treks through the zoo. I am hoping to lose some more baby fat before getting pregnant again – of course with me I can’t be sure whether pregnancy attempts will last a few months or a year. I’d ideally like to get pregnant in July but making that a plan is nearly like planning to get a big scratch off win.
At the moment I am doing a lot of back and forth about summer plans. Last year I wasn’t thrilled with the summer program at Noah’s current school. It isn’t run by the same people and it really could be a lot better, but it wasn’t bad either and the price is right. Also I have no freaking clue what I would do with him every day all day now that we rely on school a few days a week. If I put him in the summer program at least that is three days I don’t have to entertain him for three hours. But the biggest question is Ray. One of the big pluses of the summer program is that I can start Ray and he and Noah would be in the same class. I feel like this would be a great way to make his first experiences there more comfortable. However I am also like thinking how can my baby be ready for school – Noah was nearly a year older than Ray when he started. I need advice. Do you think it would be a benefit for Ray to have his brother in his class when he has his first school experiences or should I just hold off until he is scheduled to start in the two year old class in September? HELP!
Friday, March 27, 2009
Friday, March 06, 2009
Patting my own planet poisoning back
My foot is finally feeling drastically better and thankfully we are back to our regularly hectic schedule of outings about town. Just the pain of the foot and the way it was limiting me was a large part of what was getting me down. I am certain the fracture at the base of my toe is fully healed but I still have some occasional discomfort in the ankle area of my foot at the site of the other fracture. Oh and still some issues with toe movement. I have a follow-up x-ray and appointment on Tuesday to come to some conclusion on full recuperation.
But anyway – we are out and about as usual. Bowling with Grandma on Saturday, Academy of Natural Sciences on Sunday, blasted snow day on Monday, Flower Show on Tuesday, and Please Touch Museum on Wednesday. Ahhh. That is the kind of busyness that I need.
I’ve been feeling a bit proud of myself lately. I feel like I have been making real progress in living a slightly greener life. I’ve drastically reduced the number of water bottles we use. I’ve switched to greener cleaning products and recycled paper towels and toiler paper. We joined the winter harvest club to get local produce during the winter and renewed our CSA registration for the warm months. And Mark is excellent at staying on top of the recycling. I understand noone is going to give me any damn medal. I still drive around town a bit too much. I still use unnecessary paper products. I don’t buy everything fair trade. And I use disposable diapers (Have to admit to world that I have no plan to change this.) But what I am proud of is that I am not only trying to be more conscious but more active. That makes me feel good. A couple of things I really want to do in the short term is buy more hand towels so I use less paper, get ready to container plant some veggies in the backyard and get a handle on composting. Any suggestions of other ways to green up that I might not be acting on?
I am thinking about food. A LOT. Been wanting to do another grocery post and hear other peoples ideas and menus. Part of this obsession is magnificed because I am on a diet, but the bigger part is because I am shopping, cooking and feeding these boys endlessly. I think it is a huge important component to my job. I want to make sure we are eating healthy and balanced. That the kids are getting 5-7 servings of fruit and vegetables. That we are eating predominately fresh and I am minimizing the processed food and chemicals. But I am also a middle of the road girl. I don’t shop at Whole Foods because of the price and location. I buy a few things organic but mostly not. (I focus on local instead.) My kids are snack beasts and love Chex Mix and Goldfish above all else. And I should be a whole lot more creative in menu planning. But again – I try. The continuum of life can be so funny. I see myself as so middle of the road on these issues – as I have friends that are infinitely more practiced and disciplined than I. But some folks might see me as a bit extreme. Last weekend I gave the boys a lollipop and my Mom said to Noah “What kind of lollipop is that? Knowing your Mom it’s sweet potato.” (It was in fact an organic lemon lollipop made from real fruit juice that I got at Trader Joe’s. But sadly my kids still do get their fair share of plain old HFCS candy.)
Noah has become a social beast. In the last couple of months he has changed into a boy that would rather be playing with his friends than just hanging with Mama. I’m told this is a sign of four and I welcome it. It makes me feel excited for him to go to his new school in the Fall when he will be going M, T, W from 9 am – 3 pm. It will be a huge change for us both but I can now see that by then he will be totally ready.
I don’t have much new to say about Ray. He is growing up so fast and attaining skill and language at a mind boggling rate but it’s pretty steady and somehow becomes hard to comment on. He is amazing. He is adorable. He is hysterical. He makes me want to have ten more. Almost.
My Mom has scolded me for putting less stuff on the blog and more on Twitter and Facebook and I have to admit it is true. Twitter and FB are infinitely less time consuming then sitting here typing away trying to think what in hell I wanted to say. The only time I really get to do this is on Friday when Noah is at school and Ray is napping but it eats up my only chances at free time. But the main advantage of the blog is that it is more of a memoir. I look at old entries to remember what Noah was like at Ray’s age and I won’t be able to do that if I don’t start getting some stuff up here. I’m thinking I might start doing a Twitter Redux post where at the end of each month I post all the tweets I will want to remember – funny things the kids said and did.
I am also way behind on commenting on other folks blogs. I read everything on my phone. But because of word verification and sign ins it is near impossible to comment from there. I mean to go on computer and back-comment on already read posts but I can never find the time.
Sorry this post was so damn boring. I should be posting fun boy stuff but I’m at a loss a the moment. But at least there is pictures.
But anyway – we are out and about as usual. Bowling with Grandma on Saturday, Academy of Natural Sciences on Sunday, blasted snow day on Monday, Flower Show on Tuesday, and Please Touch Museum on Wednesday. Ahhh. That is the kind of busyness that I need.
I’ve been feeling a bit proud of myself lately. I feel like I have been making real progress in living a slightly greener life. I’ve drastically reduced the number of water bottles we use. I’ve switched to greener cleaning products and recycled paper towels and toiler paper. We joined the winter harvest club to get local produce during the winter and renewed our CSA registration for the warm months. And Mark is excellent at staying on top of the recycling. I understand noone is going to give me any damn medal. I still drive around town a bit too much. I still use unnecessary paper products. I don’t buy everything fair trade. And I use disposable diapers (Have to admit to world that I have no plan to change this.) But what I am proud of is that I am not only trying to be more conscious but more active. That makes me feel good. A couple of things I really want to do in the short term is buy more hand towels so I use less paper, get ready to container plant some veggies in the backyard and get a handle on composting. Any suggestions of other ways to green up that I might not be acting on?
I am thinking about food. A LOT. Been wanting to do another grocery post and hear other peoples ideas and menus. Part of this obsession is magnificed because I am on a diet, but the bigger part is because I am shopping, cooking and feeding these boys endlessly. I think it is a huge important component to my job. I want to make sure we are eating healthy and balanced. That the kids are getting 5-7 servings of fruit and vegetables. That we are eating predominately fresh and I am minimizing the processed food and chemicals. But I am also a middle of the road girl. I don’t shop at Whole Foods because of the price and location. I buy a few things organic but mostly not. (I focus on local instead.) My kids are snack beasts and love Chex Mix and Goldfish above all else. And I should be a whole lot more creative in menu planning. But again – I try. The continuum of life can be so funny. I see myself as so middle of the road on these issues – as I have friends that are infinitely more practiced and disciplined than I. But some folks might see me as a bit extreme. Last weekend I gave the boys a lollipop and my Mom said to Noah “What kind of lollipop is that? Knowing your Mom it’s sweet potato.” (It was in fact an organic lemon lollipop made from real fruit juice that I got at Trader Joe’s. But sadly my kids still do get their fair share of plain old HFCS candy.)
Noah has become a social beast. In the last couple of months he has changed into a boy that would rather be playing with his friends than just hanging with Mama. I’m told this is a sign of four and I welcome it. It makes me feel excited for him to go to his new school in the Fall when he will be going M, T, W from 9 am – 3 pm. It will be a huge change for us both but I can now see that by then he will be totally ready.
I don’t have much new to say about Ray. He is growing up so fast and attaining skill and language at a mind boggling rate but it’s pretty steady and somehow becomes hard to comment on. He is amazing. He is adorable. He is hysterical. He makes me want to have ten more. Almost.
My Mom has scolded me for putting less stuff on the blog and more on Twitter and Facebook and I have to admit it is true. Twitter and FB are infinitely less time consuming then sitting here typing away trying to think what in hell I wanted to say. The only time I really get to do this is on Friday when Noah is at school and Ray is napping but it eats up my only chances at free time. But the main advantage of the blog is that it is more of a memoir. I look at old entries to remember what Noah was like at Ray’s age and I won’t be able to do that if I don’t start getting some stuff up here. I’m thinking I might start doing a Twitter Redux post where at the end of each month I post all the tweets I will want to remember – funny things the kids said and did.
I am also way behind on commenting on other folks blogs. I read everything on my phone. But because of word verification and sign ins it is near impossible to comment from there. I mean to go on computer and back-comment on already read posts but I can never find the time.
Sorry this post was so damn boring. I should be posting fun boy stuff but I’m at a loss a the moment. But at least there is pictures.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
The intrigue
I may be putting his top secret cover at risk but I have to inform you that Noah is a spy. He’s constantly up to some sort of intrigue. And while I don’t mind the adventure of it all I am a bit concerned about how sneaky, secretive and borderline dishonest he can be when he’s on a mission. He’s always lurking about, hiding things, ducking behind objects, writing observations in a notebook and informing me “You can’t see me!”
It may have been the spy in Noah that coerced him to steal a pack of Trident at the grocery store last weekend. He didn’t even realize what it was – just somehow liked the size and shape of it. He said something to me on the way home about having something secret in his pocket but I was too busy driving. When we got home he went right up to his bedroom, which is unusual but I didn’t think too much of it. The next morning when Mark got him out of bed Noah told him to walk ahead because he had a secret he didn’t want seen. When he got to our room he slipped the pack of gum under the pillow and Mark spotted it. He knew what happened instantly since he stole a pack of gum when he was five. What bothered me wasn’t that he stole it but he showed very little remorse. But I guess remorse isn’t a big thing for four year olds. When I took the gum away from him and put it on top of our armoire he cried and said “I just want to hold it. I like how it feels in my hand. It makes me feel lucky.” When I was making breakfast Mark found him up in our room trying to retrieve the gum. He hauled two plastic chairs up the stairs to our room – one to place on each side of the safety gate – and a broom handle to knock the gum down from the armoire. Talk about sneaky and resourceful. Later that afternoon he humbled up and got scared when I took him to the store to return the gum and apologize. I was a tad pissed when the girl behind the customer service counter started going “Awwwwww” when I told her why we were there but with a dirty look and prompting (“What usually happens to people who shoplift?”) I think I got the message across. If he steals something again I’m going to take him to the police department to scare him straight.
The past two weekends I took Noah with me to do some volunteering for the families in the Ronald McDonald House at St. Chistopher’s Hospital. One week made valentines for the kids and on Valentine’s Day we made breakfast for the families at the House. Noah wasn’t a huge asset in accomplishing things but I really want to instill in him both the appreciation for all our good health and good fortune, and also the impulse to help others.
In the last few weeks I’ve noticed a huge change in Noah at school. He’s been at his current preschool program for a year and a half and while he didn’t have much difficulty adjusting, he did go into the program with some friends and he’s always played mostly with them and talked only about them. All of a sudden Noah is coming home talking about several of his classmates and tells me he’s playing with them at school. He’s always taken awhile to warm up in group social situations so it shouldn’t be a surprise but I am very excited for him to finally make new friends on his own.
Have I mentioned that Ray is an artist? He draws. He loves it. He loves markers, crayons, pens, stamps and paint. He’ll start doodling and tell you about the things he is drawing (“Meow” – cat, “Bo Bo” – monkey, “Fra-tee” – snowman) or hand you the pen and ask you to draw something (“Choo choo”). But at the moment his absolute favorite thing is his Magnadoodles. I don’t exaggerate when I tell you that he has spent a solid forty minutes on that thing, that he’s thrown fits when we try to get him to do something else like eat lunch or go to bed, and that he will go to great measures to drag the large one from room to room.
He also is very much into books. Especially when Noah isn’t around. He’ll bring me a book, back into my lap, help me read and then get up and get another. I read him eleven books in a row last Friday afternoon. He loves pointing to the pictures and telling you what they are. Right now “Good Night Moon,” “Curious George Rides,” “Rainbow Fish” and “Danny and the Dinosaur” are in heavy rotation.
Me? I’ve given up wine for a month. I wasn’t drinking too much necessarily, just too often. Almost nightly. And those empty calories are not needed right before bed. It has been taking it’s toll. I also need to stop having the occasional cigarette. I don’t like the taste, the smell or the feeling but still I want one. That’s addiction for ya. But it’s not healthy or fair to my kids and it needs to stop. I need to see my sister Jessica. It’s been a year. She’s gone from a confused little girl to a frustrated young woman. Last time she visited she seemed really bored and inconvenienced. But I guess she is thirteen going on fourteen and they all act that way so I shouldn’t have taken it so personally. Unfortunately any attempts I have made in the last year to keep in touch with her have been totally one way. But I need to make more of an effort. I’m so angry with myself. I also have to send Christmas presents to my sister Elisha and my adorable nephew. I need to go on a diet. I need to get a haircut. I need to get more sleep. I need to get off the damn computer.
It may have been the spy in Noah that coerced him to steal a pack of Trident at the grocery store last weekend. He didn’t even realize what it was – just somehow liked the size and shape of it. He said something to me on the way home about having something secret in his pocket but I was too busy driving. When we got home he went right up to his bedroom, which is unusual but I didn’t think too much of it. The next morning when Mark got him out of bed Noah told him to walk ahead because he had a secret he didn’t want seen. When he got to our room he slipped the pack of gum under the pillow and Mark spotted it. He knew what happened instantly since he stole a pack of gum when he was five. What bothered me wasn’t that he stole it but he showed very little remorse. But I guess remorse isn’t a big thing for four year olds. When I took the gum away from him and put it on top of our armoire he cried and said “I just want to hold it. I like how it feels in my hand. It makes me feel lucky.” When I was making breakfast Mark found him up in our room trying to retrieve the gum. He hauled two plastic chairs up the stairs to our room – one to place on each side of the safety gate – and a broom handle to knock the gum down from the armoire. Talk about sneaky and resourceful. Later that afternoon he humbled up and got scared when I took him to the store to return the gum and apologize. I was a tad pissed when the girl behind the customer service counter started going “Awwwwww” when I told her why we were there but with a dirty look and prompting (“What usually happens to people who shoplift?”) I think I got the message across. If he steals something again I’m going to take him to the police department to scare him straight.
The past two weekends I took Noah with me to do some volunteering for the families in the Ronald McDonald House at St. Chistopher’s Hospital. One week made valentines for the kids and on Valentine’s Day we made breakfast for the families at the House. Noah wasn’t a huge asset in accomplishing things but I really want to instill in him both the appreciation for all our good health and good fortune, and also the impulse to help others.
In the last few weeks I’ve noticed a huge change in Noah at school. He’s been at his current preschool program for a year and a half and while he didn’t have much difficulty adjusting, he did go into the program with some friends and he’s always played mostly with them and talked only about them. All of a sudden Noah is coming home talking about several of his classmates and tells me he’s playing with them at school. He’s always taken awhile to warm up in group social situations so it shouldn’t be a surprise but I am very excited for him to finally make new friends on his own.
Have I mentioned that Ray is an artist? He draws. He loves it. He loves markers, crayons, pens, stamps and paint. He’ll start doodling and tell you about the things he is drawing (“Meow” – cat, “Bo Bo” – monkey, “Fra-tee” – snowman) or hand you the pen and ask you to draw something (“Choo choo”). But at the moment his absolute favorite thing is his Magnadoodles. I don’t exaggerate when I tell you that he has spent a solid forty minutes on that thing, that he’s thrown fits when we try to get him to do something else like eat lunch or go to bed, and that he will go to great measures to drag the large one from room to room.
He also is very much into books. Especially when Noah isn’t around. He’ll bring me a book, back into my lap, help me read and then get up and get another. I read him eleven books in a row last Friday afternoon. He loves pointing to the pictures and telling you what they are. Right now “Good Night Moon,” “Curious George Rides,” “Rainbow Fish” and “Danny and the Dinosaur” are in heavy rotation.
Me? I’ve given up wine for a month. I wasn’t drinking too much necessarily, just too often. Almost nightly. And those empty calories are not needed right before bed. It has been taking it’s toll. I also need to stop having the occasional cigarette. I don’t like the taste, the smell or the feeling but still I want one. That’s addiction for ya. But it’s not healthy or fair to my kids and it needs to stop. I need to see my sister Jessica. It’s been a year. She’s gone from a confused little girl to a frustrated young woman. Last time she visited she seemed really bored and inconvenienced. But I guess she is thirteen going on fourteen and they all act that way so I shouldn’t have taken it so personally. Unfortunately any attempts I have made in the last year to keep in touch with her have been totally one way. But I need to make more of an effort. I’m so angry with myself. I also have to send Christmas presents to my sister Elisha and my adorable nephew. I need to go on a diet. I need to get a haircut. I need to get more sleep. I need to get off the damn computer.
Friday, February 06, 2009
Bits and baubles
I honestly haven’t much to report but feel I am overdue. Can't promise exciting.
After diagnosed with the two hairline fractures in my foot they gave a behemoth walking boot. I tired of the inconvenience of it after a few days. The doctor told me the purpose of the boot was to inhibit my movement so that I would not overextend myself and to protect my foot from getting hurt worse if someone were to bump into, step on it. But since I had to take it off to drive and it was a danger to get up and down the stairs of our row home I gave up on it. The foot should be heeling by itself and I have a follow-up Xray in the beginning of March. It’s feeling much better moment to moment though it still hurts to step on uneven ground and I can’t move my three smaller toes.
On the resolutions list the dieting and exercise flew way out the window after the foot injury. Actually, I am sure I’ve gained weight since then which is depressing. But I hope as soon as I have a healthy foot I can get down to some business. However I am reading a lot more, making more plans to get out by myself and working toward producing less trash (significantly decreased use of plastic water bottles, now need to work on paper towels), looking forward to attending some sort of compost and planting workshop in the spring (will let you know what I find out, Becca) and doing some volunteer work the next two weekends with hopes that it is just the start. Still need a bit of a restart that will most likely come with consistent warmer weather. Need to be warmer to be fuzzier. And still really need to reorganize everything but not willing to waste time to accomplish it when the organization is so very fleeting.
Noah is working on learning to read. A couple of days a week we work on early reader books and he very much enjoys them. And the feeling of excitement that he is learning to read. However I am a bit concerned by how easily he can memorize the story and yet not actually recognize the words out of context. Natural, yes but still a bit frustrating. If he was only memorizing the phonics as quickly as the books. And dang – that boy is chatty. Sometimes I feel like he never takes a breath. What with all the talk of spies and shows and kung fu and adventures. He is amazing but he’s wearing me out a bit. All that exuberance.
Not only is Ray developing verbally, he is also developing physically. He is a jumping maniac. He climbs on top of tables and couches and beds and jumps off – landing on his two feet. We went to a dance birthday party for one of Noah’s friends and Ray was following a lot of the dance instruction with the big kids. The woman next to me told me I better put him in lessons soon. And he gets in to everything – pulling chairs over to get into cabinets, turning toys on their sides so he can use them to climb on. And once he has his hands on that bag of cookies, jar of paint, sharp utensil there is HELL to pay when you take it away. He yells, he swats, he throws stuff. I ignore him which makes him even more hysterical until I scoop him up to calm him down. And then he remembers what he wants again and starts over. Don’t get me wrong - Ray is overall insanely good natured and sweet. People always remark on how good natured, outgoing and affectionate he is – doling out kisses to strangers. But he is a demanding little man. And I know I have made that point a hundred times – but though constant the kids continue to astound me. Hell – you observe something 12 hours a day, every day and try to not constantly remark on it, even at the most obvious. YOU CAN’T.
We just joined a winter harvest buying club that now has us getting weekly shipments of local produce, dairy and baked goods. We got our first delivery last night and YUM. Yogurt, cheddar, bread, potatoes, carrots, spinach, pink lady apples, beets, squash and kale. With this club you can order what you want (meat, soap and coffee, even) which is in some ways nicer than our summer CSA but in others less exciting. Been meaning to do a blog grocery list comparison like we did eons ago - curious again about what everyone eats - but need to allot time to type out my grocery receipt.
My vacation bug has now got me dreaming of Germany. My Oma made a comment last week about wanting to visit her family one more time before she is too old to travel and next thing you know I was mentally packing our bags. It would be nice to finally get over there and spend some time with family, and I always had hoped to go with Oma to serve as a translator and a link between the families, but it would be a BIG trip. One that won’t be too easy with two small children (Ray actually, Noah would be cake) and that might be impossible to take given my Oma’s medical issues and inability to find her green card and passport. And the time is such that we would have to go end of April or not at all. There is only a very, very slight possibility it could happen. But who knows. Might not be a total pipe dream.
After diagnosed with the two hairline fractures in my foot they gave a behemoth walking boot. I tired of the inconvenience of it after a few days. The doctor told me the purpose of the boot was to inhibit my movement so that I would not overextend myself and to protect my foot from getting hurt worse if someone were to bump into, step on it. But since I had to take it off to drive and it was a danger to get up and down the stairs of our row home I gave up on it. The foot should be heeling by itself and I have a follow-up Xray in the beginning of March. It’s feeling much better moment to moment though it still hurts to step on uneven ground and I can’t move my three smaller toes.
On the resolutions list the dieting and exercise flew way out the window after the foot injury. Actually, I am sure I’ve gained weight since then which is depressing. But I hope as soon as I have a healthy foot I can get down to some business. However I am reading a lot more, making more plans to get out by myself and working toward producing less trash (significantly decreased use of plastic water bottles, now need to work on paper towels), looking forward to attending some sort of compost and planting workshop in the spring (will let you know what I find out, Becca) and doing some volunteer work the next two weekends with hopes that it is just the start. Still need a bit of a restart that will most likely come with consistent warmer weather. Need to be warmer to be fuzzier. And still really need to reorganize everything but not willing to waste time to accomplish it when the organization is so very fleeting.
Noah is working on learning to read. A couple of days a week we work on early reader books and he very much enjoys them. And the feeling of excitement that he is learning to read. However I am a bit concerned by how easily he can memorize the story and yet not actually recognize the words out of context. Natural, yes but still a bit frustrating. If he was only memorizing the phonics as quickly as the books. And dang – that boy is chatty. Sometimes I feel like he never takes a breath. What with all the talk of spies and shows and kung fu and adventures. He is amazing but he’s wearing me out a bit. All that exuberance.
Not only is Ray developing verbally, he is also developing physically. He is a jumping maniac. He climbs on top of tables and couches and beds and jumps off – landing on his two feet. We went to a dance birthday party for one of Noah’s friends and Ray was following a lot of the dance instruction with the big kids. The woman next to me told me I better put him in lessons soon. And he gets in to everything – pulling chairs over to get into cabinets, turning toys on their sides so he can use them to climb on. And once he has his hands on that bag of cookies, jar of paint, sharp utensil there is HELL to pay when you take it away. He yells, he swats, he throws stuff. I ignore him which makes him even more hysterical until I scoop him up to calm him down. And then he remembers what he wants again and starts over. Don’t get me wrong - Ray is overall insanely good natured and sweet. People always remark on how good natured, outgoing and affectionate he is – doling out kisses to strangers. But he is a demanding little man. And I know I have made that point a hundred times – but though constant the kids continue to astound me. Hell – you observe something 12 hours a day, every day and try to not constantly remark on it, even at the most obvious. YOU CAN’T.
We just joined a winter harvest buying club that now has us getting weekly shipments of local produce, dairy and baked goods. We got our first delivery last night and YUM. Yogurt, cheddar, bread, potatoes, carrots, spinach, pink lady apples, beets, squash and kale. With this club you can order what you want (meat, soap and coffee, even) which is in some ways nicer than our summer CSA but in others less exciting. Been meaning to do a blog grocery list comparison like we did eons ago - curious again about what everyone eats - but need to allot time to type out my grocery receipt.
My vacation bug has now got me dreaming of Germany. My Oma made a comment last week about wanting to visit her family one more time before she is too old to travel and next thing you know I was mentally packing our bags. It would be nice to finally get over there and spend some time with family, and I always had hoped to go with Oma to serve as a translator and a link between the families, but it would be a BIG trip. One that won’t be too easy with two small children (Ray actually, Noah would be cake) and that might be impossible to take given my Oma’s medical issues and inability to find her green card and passport. And the time is such that we would have to go end of April or not at all. There is only a very, very slight possibility it could happen. But who knows. Might not be a total pipe dream.
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Long lines at the sto
Friday, January 16, 2009
Hither, thither and nowhere
I’m ready to discuss Christmas and it’s not quite yet July. Yay me!
The month leading up to Christmas was tense. All that budgeting, gift selecting, shopping and wrapping is just too much to add to all the normal stuff I can’t get around to. I had thought since we had budgeted some money for Christmas this year that it would be so much easier – I wouldn’t be trying to pick out WOW gifts for $15. But in fact I still was. My Christmas buying list has 40 names on it – which seems ridiculous but I don’t know how to make it smaller since already it’s only core family members and kids. But somehow we got it done.
The boys were not too hard to deal with. Noah got a karoke machine, an acoustic guitar and a spy scope from Santa. And then “we” got him some books and art supplies. Ray got some Play Doh, a grocery cart and a stuffed Muno from Santa, and we didn’t get him squat. Hell, he gets all Noah’s crap. The family got them all kinds of things – mountains of stuff. Noah’s favorites were his new two wheeler bike, his Indiana Jones hat and whip, a talking monkey, new activity books and some DVDs. And I am happy to report they also got some savings and education money.
Mark and I didn’t exchange gifts this year because I didn’t want to waste money giving each other cheap knick knacks that we either didn’t need or weren’t very exciting. Of course our families are so tremendously generous that it made up for it. Is it telling we got liquor store gift certificates from three different family members? We got some new furniture from Mom so that we can accommodate more sitting in our living room and also some money from others to be used towards a bit of redecorating the space.
My step mother-in-law bought me a pair of Uggs for Christmas. When I opened them I immediately planned on returning them and buying shoes for the entire family with the money. I disliked Uggs for the reason that I believe many like them - when you see them you immediately know they were expensive. I find that flashy, prestige sort of thing fairly abhorrent. But I tried them on and DAMN they were comfy. And then I realized that the whole thing with Uggs is that the lining keeps your feet body temperature no matter how warm or cold it is outside. You wear them without socks and your feet never sweat. And I thought that is damn handy since I hate to wear socks and I have sweaty feet. But I still set them aside for a few weeks. I had to go out of town to return them and with the stomach flu we were experiencing that wasn’t happening. And then Mark made a very valid point. I am always saying that the perfect gift is getting something for someone that they wouldn’t necessarily buy for themselves but that they soon find that they love. And these Uggs were the prime example. And so I am wearing them and loving them. They are the only shoe that I can wear and doesn’t put added stress on my sore ankle. I just wish I didn’t constantly worry that other people were thinking “How in the how can she afford $150 boots?”
The part of Christmas this year that was really a joy was the boys excitement. They loved decorating and seeing decorations. They loved seeing all of their family. They loved Christmas Carols. I still don’t have all the decorations away because they adore the Nutcrackers and the musical tree so much that I know they will mourn them. Ray loves Frosty the Snowman so much that he seems to be able to spot even the tiniest one on a row home door from a mile away. Luckily snowmen decorations last the season and he has a few more weeks before there will be no more Frosty sightings.
At 18 months old Ray is speaking SO MUCH. I can’t even think of all the things he can say – of course in his stilted dialect that only we can understand. Some of the standouts are - more, teeth, please, meow (used to refer to the cats but also to speak to them – will say 25 of them in a row like having a conversation with the cat), dog, ball, boot, book, Dora, choo choo, no, uh huh, Frosty, Mommy (I am begging him to use Mama but he is resistant), Daddy, Spy (he calls both of the cats by this name, Parker is pissed), ice cream, cheese, yummy, hat, hot, bag, hi, bye, see, banana and (most important for a second child) MINE. He still loves to play in the water more than anything else. He pulls a kitchen chair up to the sink about three times a day. He loves trains and any kind of animal elicits squeals of glee. He likes to pretend to feed things and love on pets until they run away from over-loving. He is hard to divert when he really wants something but he also knows how to hold his own against his brother. Sometimes I think he even antagonizes Noah. He’s still nursing, mostly at sleep times but will also request additional times by stomping up to me and tapping on my chest with his finger. He has always been a much better sleeper than Noah and even the patches when he has sleep issues from growth spurts and teething are nothing with what we went through with his older brother. He remains overall FUNNY. Even when he’s climbing on everything and getting into things he shouldn’t he does it with a devilish, come-hither smile. He laughs easily and is a constant source of smiles.
Noah remains smart, imaginative, inquisitive, creative and dramatic. He will gladly tell you he is part Super Noah, part spy, part Indiana Jones, part rock star and part Tarzan. He has a lot of questions about what is real and what isn’t - which things he sees on TV are real, people in costumes, puppets or drawn. He is distressed that he doesn’t yet know how to read. We’ve been reading him chapter books before bed but I really need to spend time with him and early reader books so he can get use to sight words and do more phonics. He is advanced but not as advanced as he’d like so I really need to help him out. He loves stories, adventures in particular. After reading James and The Giant Peach we saw the play and then watched the movie. We talked a lot about the differences in the stories and how people tell the same story in different ways. After reading the Tale of Desperaux I took him to see the movie, his second movie theater experience (Wall-E was the first). It made me laugh that he seemed to think we were going to see a play – asking about actors, curtains and spot lights. He’s in a new dance class this season, one that will focus a little bit more on teaching actual moves rather than just being creative with movement. These classes have been really great for him – encouraging him even more to act things out. He really is quite the little performer. He told me the other day that he wanted to be a TV person. And he is a talker. He talks and talks and talks.
Mark is still hard at work at Drexel. He has been having a difficult time getting rid of some chest congestion that has been lingering for the past month. He has coughed so hard that he hurt his chest muscles. But I think he is finally on the mend.
Me? Have I mentioned that I hate winter? That I hurt my foot? My foot is healing though it still hurts, getting worse the longer I am on it. I just got a brace that will hopefully help, though at the moment it seems to make it hurt more. I am anxious for it to get better so I can start working out but I can’t even fathom jumping on it or doing a downward dog with it for at least a few more weeks. And I have to be cautious since reinjury is common when you overextend yourself too early. And I haven’t the determination to start the diet without the exercise so I am just wallowing. Trying to make it through the winter months.
I have been daydreaming about going to Guatemala. A friend told me how affordable ($30 hotel rooms, $300 RT) and lovely it is and next thing you know I was planning on taking the whole family. Mark even bought me a guide book. Problem is the rainy season is May – December and though I tried to tempt him, Mark knows it’s too soon to plan such an exotic vacation, with no money set aside, Sesame Street Spanish, and less than three months. Course I hope to be pregnant by next January so that makes Guatemala again a faroff dream. But for a few days there I was fantasizing about taking the boys swimming in the picturesque volcano-surrounded Lake Atitlan. It’s always easier to get through the winter doldroms when you have something warm and exciting to look forward to. We’ll go to OC NJ with my Mom in July but that seems a million years away. I need a coping mechanism to help me pull through February. Maybe I just need one of them damn lamps.
The month leading up to Christmas was tense. All that budgeting, gift selecting, shopping and wrapping is just too much to add to all the normal stuff I can’t get around to. I had thought since we had budgeted some money for Christmas this year that it would be so much easier – I wouldn’t be trying to pick out WOW gifts for $15. But in fact I still was. My Christmas buying list has 40 names on it – which seems ridiculous but I don’t know how to make it smaller since already it’s only core family members and kids. But somehow we got it done.
The boys were not too hard to deal with. Noah got a karoke machine, an acoustic guitar and a spy scope from Santa. And then “we” got him some books and art supplies. Ray got some Play Doh, a grocery cart and a stuffed Muno from Santa, and we didn’t get him squat. Hell, he gets all Noah’s crap. The family got them all kinds of things – mountains of stuff. Noah’s favorites were his new two wheeler bike, his Indiana Jones hat and whip, a talking monkey, new activity books and some DVDs. And I am happy to report they also got some savings and education money.
Mark and I didn’t exchange gifts this year because I didn’t want to waste money giving each other cheap knick knacks that we either didn’t need or weren’t very exciting. Of course our families are so tremendously generous that it made up for it. Is it telling we got liquor store gift certificates from three different family members? We got some new furniture from Mom so that we can accommodate more sitting in our living room and also some money from others to be used towards a bit of redecorating the space.
My step mother-in-law bought me a pair of Uggs for Christmas. When I opened them I immediately planned on returning them and buying shoes for the entire family with the money. I disliked Uggs for the reason that I believe many like them - when you see them you immediately know they were expensive. I find that flashy, prestige sort of thing fairly abhorrent. But I tried them on and DAMN they were comfy. And then I realized that the whole thing with Uggs is that the lining keeps your feet body temperature no matter how warm or cold it is outside. You wear them without socks and your feet never sweat. And I thought that is damn handy since I hate to wear socks and I have sweaty feet. But I still set them aside for a few weeks. I had to go out of town to return them and with the stomach flu we were experiencing that wasn’t happening. And then Mark made a very valid point. I am always saying that the perfect gift is getting something for someone that they wouldn’t necessarily buy for themselves but that they soon find that they love. And these Uggs were the prime example. And so I am wearing them and loving them. They are the only shoe that I can wear and doesn’t put added stress on my sore ankle. I just wish I didn’t constantly worry that other people were thinking “How in the how can she afford $150 boots?”
The part of Christmas this year that was really a joy was the boys excitement. They loved decorating and seeing decorations. They loved seeing all of their family. They loved Christmas Carols. I still don’t have all the decorations away because they adore the Nutcrackers and the musical tree so much that I know they will mourn them. Ray loves Frosty the Snowman so much that he seems to be able to spot even the tiniest one on a row home door from a mile away. Luckily snowmen decorations last the season and he has a few more weeks before there will be no more Frosty sightings.
At 18 months old Ray is speaking SO MUCH. I can’t even think of all the things he can say – of course in his stilted dialect that only we can understand. Some of the standouts are - more, teeth, please, meow (used to refer to the cats but also to speak to them – will say 25 of them in a row like having a conversation with the cat), dog, ball, boot, book, Dora, choo choo, no, uh huh, Frosty, Mommy (I am begging him to use Mama but he is resistant), Daddy, Spy (he calls both of the cats by this name, Parker is pissed), ice cream, cheese, yummy, hat, hot, bag, hi, bye, see, banana and (most important for a second child) MINE. He still loves to play in the water more than anything else. He pulls a kitchen chair up to the sink about three times a day. He loves trains and any kind of animal elicits squeals of glee. He likes to pretend to feed things and love on pets until they run away from over-loving. He is hard to divert when he really wants something but he also knows how to hold his own against his brother. Sometimes I think he even antagonizes Noah. He’s still nursing, mostly at sleep times but will also request additional times by stomping up to me and tapping on my chest with his finger. He has always been a much better sleeper than Noah and even the patches when he has sleep issues from growth spurts and teething are nothing with what we went through with his older brother. He remains overall FUNNY. Even when he’s climbing on everything and getting into things he shouldn’t he does it with a devilish, come-hither smile. He laughs easily and is a constant source of smiles.
Noah remains smart, imaginative, inquisitive, creative and dramatic. He will gladly tell you he is part Super Noah, part spy, part Indiana Jones, part rock star and part Tarzan. He has a lot of questions about what is real and what isn’t - which things he sees on TV are real, people in costumes, puppets or drawn. He is distressed that he doesn’t yet know how to read. We’ve been reading him chapter books before bed but I really need to spend time with him and early reader books so he can get use to sight words and do more phonics. He is advanced but not as advanced as he’d like so I really need to help him out. He loves stories, adventures in particular. After reading James and The Giant Peach we saw the play and then watched the movie. We talked a lot about the differences in the stories and how people tell the same story in different ways. After reading the Tale of Desperaux I took him to see the movie, his second movie theater experience (Wall-E was the first). It made me laugh that he seemed to think we were going to see a play – asking about actors, curtains and spot lights. He’s in a new dance class this season, one that will focus a little bit more on teaching actual moves rather than just being creative with movement. These classes have been really great for him – encouraging him even more to act things out. He really is quite the little performer. He told me the other day that he wanted to be a TV person. And he is a talker. He talks and talks and talks.
Mark is still hard at work at Drexel. He has been having a difficult time getting rid of some chest congestion that has been lingering for the past month. He has coughed so hard that he hurt his chest muscles. But I think he is finally on the mend.
Me? Have I mentioned that I hate winter? That I hurt my foot? My foot is healing though it still hurts, getting worse the longer I am on it. I just got a brace that will hopefully help, though at the moment it seems to make it hurt more. I am anxious for it to get better so I can start working out but I can’t even fathom jumping on it or doing a downward dog with it for at least a few more weeks. And I have to be cautious since reinjury is common when you overextend yourself too early. And I haven’t the determination to start the diet without the exercise so I am just wallowing. Trying to make it through the winter months.
I have been daydreaming about going to Guatemala. A friend told me how affordable ($30 hotel rooms, $300 RT) and lovely it is and next thing you know I was planning on taking the whole family. Mark even bought me a guide book. Problem is the rainy season is May – December and though I tried to tempt him, Mark knows it’s too soon to plan such an exotic vacation, with no money set aside, Sesame Street Spanish, and less than three months. Course I hope to be pregnant by next January so that makes Guatemala again a faroff dream. But for a few days there I was fantasizing about taking the boys swimming in the picturesque volcano-surrounded Lake Atitlan. It’s always easier to get through the winter doldroms when you have something warm and exciting to look forward to. We’ll go to OC NJ with my Mom in July but that seems a million years away. I need a coping mechanism to help me pull through February. Maybe I just need one of them damn lamps.
Friday, January 09, 2009
All the colors of the rain... barrel
Ten years ago after having drinks with my cousin I came home to the realization that I had lost my keys during the course of the evening. Rather than seek a sane solution I decided to climb a large fence, jump down in the back yard and scale the fire escape and let myself in the deck door I knew was open on my third floor apartment. Sounds smart, right? So I got up on the fence by climbing on my cousins car and then I realized that I hadn’t contemplated the jump down on the other side. Luckily, AHA! I could see a lidded barrel on the ground. So I jumped on it and the old metal rain barrel lid gave way and I found myself waist deep in old, dirty water. I hauled myself out and FANCY THAT I had a giant piece of glass sticking out of my foot. (Oh right, I was barefoot because who could scale a fence in platform heels.) I hopped up the fire escape let myself in the house, bled all over it, pulled the giant piece of broken beer bottle out of my foot, wrapped it in a towel and scooted down the stairs on my butt so my cousin could take me to the emergency room to get stitches. Ah… youth.
Well it never healed right. I have a scar and lump on the bottom of that foot. It doesn’t bother me unless I wear incredibly tight shoes – like roller blades or ice skates. Or when I sprain my ankle, have a swollen foot and begin walking in a way that puts pressure of my old barrel jumping injury.
I tell you this to both be “Woe as me, my po lil foot” (pretty colors isn't it) but also because that’s such a fun memory.
Well it never healed right. I have a scar and lump on the bottom of that foot. It doesn’t bother me unless I wear incredibly tight shoes – like roller blades or ice skates. Or when I sprain my ankle, have a swollen foot and begin walking in a way that puts pressure of my old barrel jumping injury.
I tell you this to both be “Woe as me, my po lil foot” (pretty colors isn't it) but also because that’s such a fun memory.
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
Just swell
And all of this 2009 bad luck either stems from a lack of the good luck Pork & sauerkraut on New Years Day or from bad karma as a result of my bitching. Maybe both.
Sunday, January 04, 2009
Resolute
I owe a huge thank you to all of you who, after my last post, commented, emailed, called, reached out to let me know you understand, that it’s going to be okay, to agree I needed something more for myself and to ask how you could help. I am an incredibly lucky woman to have so much emotional support at a time when I really need it. One of the most powerful things is just having other Moms say that though their circumstances are different that they know just how I feel. It’s such a simple, common human need - to feel like you are not alone, that what you feel is justified, real, and relatable. So again, thanks.
And now we’re in a new year and it seems a perfect time to really try to put into practice some change. This year I feel like I’m swimming in a sea of resolutions. Some of them are practical solutions to deal with what is going on with me, and others are just acknowledgements that I could be better, could do better. I’m sure this is just a list I can repeat every year for the next ten years, but here it goes.
1. Attain better physical health. Adopt a healthier eating regimen centered on more whole foods, more water, less caffeine and less wine. Get regular exercise.
2. Make more time for myself. Put into place a schedule by which I will have regular designated time to read, write, and decompress. For starters Mark and I have decided we don’t have to both do the bathtime and bed preparation ritual every night. Switching off nights allows the other person to have a personal hour a couple of nights a week – one I plan on using to read. Reading is therapy to me and I am in dire need. But this is just a start – I need more than three hours a week and I have to make a concrete plan on how and when to take them.
3. Be a better mother. Yell less. Breathe more. Get information on better management and coping techniques.
4. Be a better earthling. Make less trash. Learn to compost. Grow some food. Recycle more. Reuse more. Donate more.
5. Be a better person. Be more kind. Be more positive. Be more generous. Be more thoughtful. Be more thankful. Be more loving. Start with those closest - my husband, my mother, my family, my friends – but spread it further. Be less judgmental, less cynical.
6. Get it together. Reorganize. Take everything out of the place it’s just shoved and decide what is needed, what can go, what stays and precisely where it belongs. (Of course this is part of what I have been silently fixating on for over a month, driving me toward madness and yet I can’t even get my damn laundry folded. Ahem.) Make a plan for basic house cleaning – this worked well a long time ago and we have to put it back in place.
So a bit of practicality and a bit of shooting for the moon. I’m sure in loading up my plate I’ve diluted some of my ability to have an impact. But also I know some of these things are like dominos – better health means better disposition which means better mother which means better person, etc. Though it would surely take a miracle for me to find enough time to clean out cabinets AND read a book. Cleaner cabinets or cleaner mind? Seems an easy question to answer until you open a cabinet and lose your mind.
And now we’re in a new year and it seems a perfect time to really try to put into practice some change. This year I feel like I’m swimming in a sea of resolutions. Some of them are practical solutions to deal with what is going on with me, and others are just acknowledgements that I could be better, could do better. I’m sure this is just a list I can repeat every year for the next ten years, but here it goes.
1. Attain better physical health. Adopt a healthier eating regimen centered on more whole foods, more water, less caffeine and less wine. Get regular exercise.
2. Make more time for myself. Put into place a schedule by which I will have regular designated time to read, write, and decompress. For starters Mark and I have decided we don’t have to both do the bathtime and bed preparation ritual every night. Switching off nights allows the other person to have a personal hour a couple of nights a week – one I plan on using to read. Reading is therapy to me and I am in dire need. But this is just a start – I need more than three hours a week and I have to make a concrete plan on how and when to take them.
3. Be a better mother. Yell less. Breathe more. Get information on better management and coping techniques.
4. Be a better earthling. Make less trash. Learn to compost. Grow some food. Recycle more. Reuse more. Donate more.
5. Be a better person. Be more kind. Be more positive. Be more generous. Be more thoughtful. Be more thankful. Be more loving. Start with those closest - my husband, my mother, my family, my friends – but spread it further. Be less judgmental, less cynical.
6. Get it together. Reorganize. Take everything out of the place it’s just shoved and decide what is needed, what can go, what stays and precisely where it belongs. (Of course this is part of what I have been silently fixating on for over a month, driving me toward madness and yet I can’t even get my damn laundry folded. Ahem.) Make a plan for basic house cleaning – this worked well a long time ago and we have to put it back in place.
So a bit of practicality and a bit of shooting for the moon. I’m sure in loading up my plate I’ve diluted some of my ability to have an impact. But also I know some of these things are like dominos – better health means better disposition which means better mother which means better person, etc. Though it would surely take a miracle for me to find enough time to clean out cabinets AND read a book. Cleaner cabinets or cleaner mind? Seems an easy question to answer until you open a cabinet and lose your mind.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Self indulgent to be sure
I need to blog. Need. Sure, I have a million things I need to document – Ray’s verbal explosion, Noah’s memorization of the colors of his bathtub alphabet, questioning of the world and it’s workings, and preschool enrollment for the Fall, and of course all the Christmas shenanigans and hullabaloo. But the reason I’m here blogging is because of an overwhelming need I have to unload, to reveal, to share – about me.
I’ve been having a really hard time for a couple of weeks now. Or longer. I’m not exactly sure when it started. And I can’t pin it to one thing. It’s a bunch of things.
Winter depresses me these days. The season of sickness and entombment. The cold, the colds and the seclusion. It’s harder to get out of the house because it’s uncomfortable to just merely be outside. My skin is dry and itchy and my body cries out for just a little bit of sun.
Christmas makes me a bit blue. The constant struggle between the practicalities of Christmas – all that needs to be planned and bought and done – and what I feel like it should really should be – the selfless giving, thoughtfulness and mere enjoyment of each others company.
My Janette is moving away. My best friend from college, my bridesmaid, my guardian angel. To me she’s always been this incredibly positive force – this generous, loving, peaceful person with nary a mean bone in her body who inspires me to be less cynical. And we share a bond now that I share with noone else – she is my only pre-child friend (so she knows me for things other than being a Mom, understands me and still likes me) who is also home with her children. She knows exactly what I’m going through. I can tell her things about my daily struggles and know that she will instantly understand, sympathize and not pass judgment. And she’s moving to Maine. It really is heartbreaking. Yes, there is email, and twitter, and there will be vacations. But that really isn’t the same. Not nearly.
And of course that is the heart of the matter. Or the what’s the matter. My daily struggles. I AM BURNT OUT. I am overextended. I am not at my best. And I need to fix it. Fast. But I haven’t a clue as to how to do it without compromising my values.
I have made a commitment to myself, to my husband, to my kids – to make sacrifices. To put what I might want aside for the greater good – for the good of my children. And I am happy to do that. Proud to do that. It’s important to me. To us. But just making a decision to sacrifice doesn’t necessarily make every moment easy. It can still weigh you down, especially over time. I haven’t done much of anything for myself in over four years. And it’s taken a toll. Have I taken it too far? Yes. Obviously. Because I’m constantly snapping. Not so much at the kids, because I try really hard to keep that in check, but sometimes even that fails. But I am snapping at everyone else. My husband chief among them. He’s often just trying to help me and I end up biting his head off. I yell at him because I can’t yell at the kids. Because I’m boiling over and strung out.
I need to do something for myself. And I need to figure out how to manage doing it. And in my mind I need to figure out the bare minimum of what I need so as not to upset our life too much or be too self indulgent. Maybe it’s as small as actually sticking to getting out of the house for two hours a week to take a yoga class – but even that proved so difficult a couple of months ago.
Of course the big follow-up question is WHY on earth in the midst of this am I still trying to get pregnant and have a third? It took two years between the time we started trying to conceive a second and the day Ray was born – and there are many ups and downs in two years so I don’t think my current low point says much of anything about what things will look like a year or two from now. And though I totally realize that having three small children will be stressful, more stressful than having two, and require at least the same amount of sacrifice if not more, I know that in the long run I want a larger family and I am willing to pay the piper upfront. I try to think of my life looking forward and keep in mind what I want the end result to be and not to get too mired down in the now when making the big decisions.
But of course in this now I need help. Help from myself. I need to find a balance between the kind of attachment parenting I do naturally and what I need to do to keep some semblance of a ME. I need a calm center, a place to breathe. And once I find that place again hopefully it will be all that much easier to hold on to, or get back to. No matter how many kids I have.
I want to be a happier person. A less grumpy person. A less stressed out to the gills biting the heads off of the people she loves person.
And there you have it. End system dump.
I’ve been having a really hard time for a couple of weeks now. Or longer. I’m not exactly sure when it started. And I can’t pin it to one thing. It’s a bunch of things.
Winter depresses me these days. The season of sickness and entombment. The cold, the colds and the seclusion. It’s harder to get out of the house because it’s uncomfortable to just merely be outside. My skin is dry and itchy and my body cries out for just a little bit of sun.
Christmas makes me a bit blue. The constant struggle between the practicalities of Christmas – all that needs to be planned and bought and done – and what I feel like it should really should be – the selfless giving, thoughtfulness and mere enjoyment of each others company.
My Janette is moving away. My best friend from college, my bridesmaid, my guardian angel. To me she’s always been this incredibly positive force – this generous, loving, peaceful person with nary a mean bone in her body who inspires me to be less cynical. And we share a bond now that I share with noone else – she is my only pre-child friend (so she knows me for things other than being a Mom, understands me and still likes me) who is also home with her children. She knows exactly what I’m going through. I can tell her things about my daily struggles and know that she will instantly understand, sympathize and not pass judgment. And she’s moving to Maine. It really is heartbreaking. Yes, there is email, and twitter, and there will be vacations. But that really isn’t the same. Not nearly.
And of course that is the heart of the matter. Or the what’s the matter. My daily struggles. I AM BURNT OUT. I am overextended. I am not at my best. And I need to fix it. Fast. But I haven’t a clue as to how to do it without compromising my values.
I have made a commitment to myself, to my husband, to my kids – to make sacrifices. To put what I might want aside for the greater good – for the good of my children. And I am happy to do that. Proud to do that. It’s important to me. To us. But just making a decision to sacrifice doesn’t necessarily make every moment easy. It can still weigh you down, especially over time. I haven’t done much of anything for myself in over four years. And it’s taken a toll. Have I taken it too far? Yes. Obviously. Because I’m constantly snapping. Not so much at the kids, because I try really hard to keep that in check, but sometimes even that fails. But I am snapping at everyone else. My husband chief among them. He’s often just trying to help me and I end up biting his head off. I yell at him because I can’t yell at the kids. Because I’m boiling over and strung out.
I need to do something for myself. And I need to figure out how to manage doing it. And in my mind I need to figure out the bare minimum of what I need so as not to upset our life too much or be too self indulgent. Maybe it’s as small as actually sticking to getting out of the house for two hours a week to take a yoga class – but even that proved so difficult a couple of months ago.
Of course the big follow-up question is WHY on earth in the midst of this am I still trying to get pregnant and have a third? It took two years between the time we started trying to conceive a second and the day Ray was born – and there are many ups and downs in two years so I don’t think my current low point says much of anything about what things will look like a year or two from now. And though I totally realize that having three small children will be stressful, more stressful than having two, and require at least the same amount of sacrifice if not more, I know that in the long run I want a larger family and I am willing to pay the piper upfront. I try to think of my life looking forward and keep in mind what I want the end result to be and not to get too mired down in the now when making the big decisions.
But of course in this now I need help. Help from myself. I need to find a balance between the kind of attachment parenting I do naturally and what I need to do to keep some semblance of a ME. I need a calm center, a place to breathe. And once I find that place again hopefully it will be all that much easier to hold on to, or get back to. No matter how many kids I have.
I want to be a happier person. A less grumpy person. A less stressed out to the gills biting the heads off of the people she loves person.
And there you have it. End system dump.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Our finest delicates
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Feel the fury
Last time I blogged about Ray's anger Patrice and Wendy said they had never seen the dark side of my good natured angel. This video is for them.
Ray likes to play with water in the sink. He wants me to leave the water trickling for an hour several times a day. He pulls the chair over to the sink and starts making demands. And there is never enough. As you can see.
Ray likes to play with water in the sink. He wants me to leave the water trickling for an hour several times a day. He pulls the chair over to the sink and starts making demands. And there is never enough. As you can see.
Monday, December 08, 2008
Not for the faint of heart
Sugary sweet
Saturday morning I took the boys to breakfast with Santa at Macy's. Noah was a bit disappointed Santa wasn't actually eating with us, and that the Nutcracker's Mouse King posed for pictures but did not dance, but otherwise it was a good time. Last week I sent a couple of friends on a wild goose chase to find scratch off tickets that got you discounts on the PA Ballet's Nutcracker. You would've thought the damn things were akin to the holy grail. Finally I got a few and only one had a 20 percent discount which is something but doesn't exactly make good seats insanely affordable. But still thinking of getting a pair. Mark will probably end up taking Noah if it is a weeknight show. (Boo!)
But aside from these few holiday outings we have been stuck in the house. Noah's cold is still pretty nasty. The mornings are full of hacking and the evenings are feverish. Last night he coughed so much he vomited in the car on the ride back from Grandmas. Hooray for holiday memories.
Monday, December 01, 2008
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Black Friday Tradition
I don't shop on Black Friday. Crowds make me crazy and I honestly don't like shopping all that much. Last year I did all our Christmas s
hopping online and at Target. And this year will probably be similar though I can't be sure because I haven't bought a single gift yet.
On Black Friday we took the Santa Express, a special subway line that takes Santa to the Gallery Mall for the official start of the Christmas shopping season. Then we march through the mall with a Mummers string band, dancing and caroling. Then we jet on over to the Reading Terminal holiday train display and then on to Macy's for the light show, Dickens Village and a hot date with Santa. It's a hectic way to spend a morning when we also host a leftover Potluck that evening -but I really value the tradition and hope to do it just this way for many years.
Noah is all too starstruck to smile when we sit with Santa, though he does realize he is not the one and only Santa. I like the magic of the Santa myth but I do my own version, explaining that there are armies of store Santas that report to the big North Pole Santa who makes all the deliveries on Christmas Eve. There are no Santa threats for behavior at my house, though we know that Santa does want us to be nice. And Santa only brings one or two special toys and fills our stocking, while Mama and Daddy buy a few extras.
After Noah asked Santa for a real monkey, a live penguin and the Hess truck, I was pleased when Santa explained to Noah that he can't really travel with live animals and that wild things don't make good pets. And then he said "I'm sure I will think of something special for you."
Ray already recognizes Santa - getting excited and signing for "more" when he sees them. Both boys really loved watching the Thanksgiving Day parade - Noah liking the floats and Ray delighting in the balloons.
We had two lovely Thanksgiving meals - a huge blowout for 27 at my Mom's place and a smaller family meal on Saturday with my Dad, Oma, my brother and his family. And our Potluck was fun this year - though noone ate. Everytime we have people over I debate with myself on whether to invite the families we're friends with or the old coworkers and drinking pals. This year it was a drinking crew that stayed later and got a bit more sloshed than the family bunch with which we normally spend time. But damn how I laughed. Since we don't get to go out to the bars anymore it is quite a relief when they come to us and we still have a good time. But damn did Noah have a hangover.
hopping online and at Target. And this year will probably be similar though I can't be sure because I haven't bought a single gift yet.On Black Friday we took the Santa Express, a special subway line that takes Santa to the Gallery Mall for the official start of the Christmas shopping season. Then we march through the mall with a Mummers string band, dancing and caroling. Then we jet on over to the Reading Terminal holiday train display and then on to Macy's for the light show, Dickens Village and a hot date with Santa. It's a hectic way to spend a morning when we also host a leftover Potluck that evening -but I really value the tradition and hope to do it just this way for many years.
Noah is all too starstruck to smile when we sit with Santa, though he does realize he is not the one and only Santa. I like the magic of the Santa myth but I do my own version, explaining that there are armies of store Santas that report to the big North Pole Santa who makes all the deliveries on Christmas Eve. There are no Santa threats for behavior at my house, though we know that Santa does want us to be nice. And Santa only brings one or two special toys and fills our stocking, while Mama and Daddy buy a few extras.
After Noah asked Santa for a real monkey, a live penguin and the Hess truck, I was pleased when Santa explained to Noah that he can't really travel with live animals and that wild things don't make good pets. And then he said "I'm sure I will think of something special for you."
Ray already recognizes Santa - getting excited and signing for "more" when he sees them. Both boys really loved watching the Thanksgiving Day parade - Noah liking the floats and Ray delighting in the balloons.
We had two lovely Thanksgiving meals - a huge blowout for 27 at my Mom's place and a smaller family meal on Saturday with my Dad, Oma, my brother and his family. And our Potluck was fun this year - though noone ate. Everytime we have people over I debate with myself on whether to invite the families we're friends with or the old coworkers and drinking pals. This year it was a drinking crew that stayed later and got a bit more sloshed than the family bunch with which we normally spend time. But damn how I laughed. Since we don't get to go out to the bars anymore it is quite a relief when they come to us and we still have a good time. But damn did Noah have a hangover.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Just like the Ipod commercials.
Noah enjoys his Ipod on the train into Manhattan. May beone of my favorite videos ever.
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