Friday, February 09, 2018

A Time Capsule of Change, Love and Grief

Life is shifting. After so many years of focusing only on the boys and my family, I need to return to work. In looking for writing samples I came upon my blog. I started to read. And once again the boys were little - learning to read, making first friends and weaning. It seems a world away. My father's death was so fresh and devastating. I hadn't meant to spend the morning crying, but you can't really plan these sort of things. The boys are unimaginably beautiful. They are still my very favorite people in the world. I would rather be with them in almost every moment of my life than without them. Everyone loves their kids with an unconditional love that is overwhelming. I have that in spades. But I also like them as people and love to see the world with them. Noah is 13. A budding film-maker. An excellent student. Always creating and striving and thinking. He truly is amazing. His teen snark has blossomed a bit but he still loves my hugs and values my opinion over most others. Ray is 10. A loving, thoughtful fun-loving boy who wants nothing more than to please the people he cares about. He's so bright and shining but without a true focus, since the determinedness of his brothers make him the one most likely to bend. Lee is 7. A rebel. He challenges the world with his gender nonconformity and the serious intensity of an overwrought, hardened old soul. He spends a lot of his time quietly reading in his room or listening to Phantom of the Opera. And though they bicker they love to be together. Choosing to sleep in one room together rather than separate. They rarely have separate plans with friends. They are a unit. There has been so much since my last blog post. And yet so much is the same. And it only takes a few words to bring it all back. For two years I've been volunteering as the Communications VP for the Greenfield HSA. I write a weekly email that communicates policy, afterschool programs, events and fundraising pleas. I write sign-up forms, communication from the Principal, fundraising flyers and event marketing copy. It was the best way for me to get back to writing. I rebuilt my confidence and made networking connections - all while doing meaningful work for the Philadelphia public school that did so much for us. But my term is coming to an end. And it's time to turn those 20 hours a week writing for Greenfield into 20 hours a week working for pay. I have some good leads. It may take me less time to find work than I had anticipated. Which has me both overjoyed and scared. What I hate more than anything else in the world is not being good at something. It's what makes me a great employee and mother - because I'm always striving, always working to do my absolute best. Personally, however, it's not the healthiest trait. Faced with new personal challenges I am racked with feelings of inferiority and worry. It makes starting a new job difficult. It makes the prospect of finding the perfect balance between raising a family and working horrifying. I'll soon enough be on the other side. I will look back at this blog post, one that came out of nowhere after so many years, and have it seem so far away.