I keep fixating on how unpredictable birth is. Sometime within the next day to five weeks I’m going to have a baby. I’m just waiting for it – and I have no idea or real control as to when its going to happen. And after the baby is born our lives will change drastically, instantaneously. And for the rest of my life I will recall and relive the process of having that baby – how, when, for how long and all the little details from the gore to the glorious. More often and in more detail than any other moment I’ve ever experienced – aside from Noah’s birth. It really is mind boggling to be standing on the doorstep of such a moment – and yet not in control of it. I guess I chalk this feeling of powerlessness to be just one in a million ways that this child will remind me how little control I truly have – and how wonderful and daunting that truly is. One of the biggest lessons I’ve taken away from getting to know Noah is that he truly was born with his own personality and his own agenda. We can shape it a bit, allowing him to be more or less himself, but for the most part he’s already there – just letting us hang out with him. And Ray will be the same. I’m so excited to meet him. Ya know, whenever he gets around to it.
Noah’s pretty excited too. Last week we went to see our friend Wendy’s new baby, Ivan. Noah was absolutely adorable with him. He asked to hold him, to touch his hands, to kiss his head. And both times we left he got upset about leaving and said “But I want to spend more time with him.” He’s such a caring and gentle little soul and though I’m certain the adjustment of sharing Mama will be a hard one – I can already see how much love he’s storing up for his baby brother and it makes me so proud.
It’s in the mid-nineties and will remain so for the next three days. I’m literally about to pop – and I’ve just acquired the head cold that Noah has been battling since Friday. Physically I’m feeling like ass. Emotionally I’m overwhelmed. And mentally I’m a raging to-do list with no energy to get a damn thing done. But ya know what – things are good.