Thursday, February 02, 2012

Messages from the past

In two weeks it will have been a year since my father passed away suddenly. I miss him every day. I really thought I would feel so much better by now. But I don’t. I’m really lonely. I feel isolated in my grief. Naturally I’m too busy and preoccupied with day to day life to blog but I also can’t think about blogging without mentioning Dad and I feel like that’s self indulgent. I’ve gained and lost the same ten pounds like 4 times in the last year –I finally lose some weight and then I fall back into that feeling of wanting comfort in wine and food, of not wanting to feel better about myself and so back it comes until I’m disgusted with the way my clothes feel and I return to diet and exercise for a few weeks before deciding to say “screw it” once again.

On the anniversary of Dad’s death I am going to Florida to see my sister Elisha. I need to be with her. I often think about how there are a few people in this world that I feel effortlessly connected to, who just being with them makes me more me, and Elisha is one of them. I feel cheated she lives so far away. I’m taking Lee of course and also my 16 year old sister Jessica. It should be both a sad, healing and fun trip.

Some days it still feels unreal. Like a dream or an error. Some days it feels so cruel. I had two Grandfathers who didn’t give a damn about spending quality time with the grandkids and yet my father who literally lived to see my boys can’t be here to watch them grow. This blog is hard to return to because my father was one of it’s readers. I knew I was speaking to him when I recounted all the things Noah was doing and how Ray was growing. And now… well he’s not.

I had saved a bunch of emails Dad sent in the year after he first got on email. They are all very similar. A lot of laughter (ha ha) and love. (And a complete lack of punctuation – I added that for easier reading.)

“it is funny that I write first then check your blog and get the answers. I should check your blog first then ask questions. Ha ha. You know you can invite your friends if you want. Just thought that I would let you know. I always have a nice time with my daughter. It is one of the nicest times I have. And the little man is something special on top of it. The combination always makes it a special day. It sure it hot. I bet it’s hotter in the city. I am cooking. Love you. Talk to you later. Give the little guy a hug for me. Love Dad.”

“The lawn is under water about 6 inches. Almost good to go boating. I am glad that you had a good time. Let me know how the circus was. I would like to see Noah’s eyes light up. I remember when I took you to the small circuses. How your eyes would light up. That is the best feeling in the world. When you see them experience something new and watching their eyes light up. He will probably enjoy himself and he will be dancing around playing circus. I hope everything is well. Nothing but fighting here. Nothing new. I need a vacation. A long one. Ha ha. Love Dad.”

I could post a bunch of these but you get the idea. I look at them all the time. I took screenshots of some of them on my phone and browse through them. It’s wonderful and awful too.


lonna said...

I have nothing to offer but (((hugs))). I sure hope this trip helps you, even if it's just a little bit.

Anna said...

Your dad probably finds it much easier now to look in on his grandsons then before he passed. He will watch them grow and look out for them in a way that he never could while he was alive. I know this is a small consolation, because while you know he's around, he's not physically *there*, and that's what makes it so hard. You can talk to him, but you can't see or hear him. I am so sorry. Keep writing, and include stories about your dad, too. It's a wonderful way to share about who he was to you. Hugs to you, sweetie.