I started reading blogs when I was trying to get pregnant with Noah. To get a glimpse into the life of a Mom, to find answers to questions about possible infertility since it was taking us so long to conceive. I started this blog when Noah was a few months old – to get advice on mothering, to work through the questions I had, to document his young life and to communicate with the world since I was home alone with him the bulk of the day.
These days I don’t need advice. I have my own thing going and I rarely face a dilemma that I don’t have an idea on how I want to handle it. I’m seasoned in the small children rearing. That isn’t to say that I’m not interested in what others are doing or think that what I am doing is right for anyone else – just that I have a feel for what works best for me, for us. And though I still want to document the lives of the boys I rarely have the time to do that – and when I do it makes for a really boring read. For awhile I wasn’t very lonely – I had a network of neighborhood Moms who I became friendly with – mostly with kids Noah’s age, possibly with a sibling Ray’s age and we hung out as a pack. But as our older kids are now in school we get together less and less.
Lee was a game changer in a lot of respects. None of our friends have three kids. No one in my circle has a kid Lee’s age and oddly that makes a difference. I need to make friends who will be his little friends. In the past I made friends at play group, on the playground – just striking up conversations time and time again with faces that had become familiar. Though I am shy in my own way, I can also be fairly outgoing. But this doesn’t really work anymore. What I’ve learned is that people with one young child don’t want to become friends with a lady with three kids. Maybe it’s too much mayhem for them. Maybe it’s too annoying to have to deal with my “Oh when Noah was that age… And Ray was like this…” and my obvious “You think this is a big deal now but it isn’t.”
So now I’m lonely. I don’t feel like I am connecting with people, with adults. And though the kids bring me great joy every day, what I’m lacking is hurting me, is hurting us. I’m not sure how to resolve it. I know spending some time with my pre-baby friends, the friends I will always have regardless of differences in lifestyles, will help. But since I’m so clingy with my kids when they are under 2 it is hard for me to get away. I have to MAKE myself do it and sometimes that is added stress and not a stress reliever.
A couple of weeks ago I had a pregnancy scare. Though I wouldn’t say I was scared. My heart was excited. I really do want a fourth. I don’t feel done with the whole baby thing and I can’t force my emotional self to believe that it’s over – that Lee is my last. But my head was in a tizzy. I’m still feeling trapped by Lee’s toddlerhood since I can’t let my apron strings out before February so that was part of it. But the biggest part I was panicking about was what would everyone think. I can just imagine everyone shaking their heads over me having a FOURTH. Walking to the park with a tribe. Trying to control them all at the farm stand and the library – and all the “crazy” looks I’d get. And who wants to talk to the Mom of 4 at the park – NO ONE. She’s a roving stressed out circus. I don’t personally know anyone with 4 small children. It’s an anomaly. A freak show. Anyway – I wasn’t pregnant. And I was sad and relieved.
Any way – I’m lonely. And as a result I’m turning more inward, which is so not me. I’ve been described by someone as needing to update my Facebook status every time I “take a dump.” And while this person obviously doesn’t know me well enough because I RARELY discuss bathroom issues, I concede the sentiment. And they don’t even follow me on Twitter. But as of late I can’t summon the urge to update or tweet. I’m just not connecting – in any way.
This may be part of the depression that I’ve been struggling with since my Dad died. I understand that. I’ve been wavering between my depression being situationally appropriate and thinking maybe I could use some counseling. Of course since I can’t even get away to get my tooth filled that’s a moot idea.