Strangeafeet

Noahsspark on Tumblr

2012-01-10T13:51:00.001-05:00

A new link to Noah's blog:

Noah's Spark

I plan on writing for myself SOON.

Because he has more time and better ideas

2011-11-22T12:49:00.001-05:00

Noah has a blog. I will be posting some of his projects. Fromthemindofnoah

The Eggerts do Disney

2011-10-14T11:33:00.003-04:00

I document my insanity to preserve it for my own memory, which is poor. If it helps someone else, with vacation planning or to get a good laugh at my expense, then BONUS.

When I picture my perfect vacation it’s foreign, educational and adventurous. I love to plan a vacation. I arm myself with numerous guide books and websites, looking for the best deals on the best places to stay, the things not to miss and the best places to eat. It is part of my enjoyment of my vacation – the discovery and planning phase. And I have learned that it’s just as important to me to plan for Disney World as it is Guatemala.

My Mom had been wanting to take her grandkids to Disney World before she had grandkids. And she had been asking me regularly when we could go for years. I finally told her that I’d like to go within a few months of Lee turning two. This way he was still free of charge but he could enjoy it on some level. So after Christmas we made the plans – we’d go end of September 2011. I really wanted to stay in the resort. As a kid I’d been to Disney 4 times – 4, 10, 14 and 17. It’s really the only family vacation I remember going on with my Mom – we didn’t do regular beach or mountain getaways. But Disney is pricey and my Mom was a struggling working mother so we never stayed in the park. I remember the traffic getting into the park and it seemingly taking forever to get there and I dreamed of staying within monorails reach of Magic Kingdom. So I was genuinely excited to book a week at the Polynesian after finding a good package deal on Mousesavers – which my mother more than HELPED with. I picked the Polynesian not only because I remember taking the monorail through it and thinking how lucky the people were who stayed there, though that is certainly part of it. I also had read that their rooms had been recently updated and were among the largest single rooms in Disney – which is a big deal for a family of five.

When I booked the package they told me I could make dining reservations 180 days prior to the start of our trip. This struck me as insane. It meant that in March I had to have our whole week of vacation planned out. You can’t make dining reservations when you aren’t sure which day you are going to be at which park. And now the real research began. I had to figure out which day to head to which park and most importantly what were the best places to eat. If you opt for the dining plan it means you get one table service meal a day and since I’m a bit of a foodie and obsessed with getting a good value I had to do serious dining research. I quickly decided that heading to the best buffets and family style meals was our best bet. This way the meals would be faster, which is key with a 19 month old, we’d definitely get enough to eat and my boys wouldn’t be relegated to eating chicken nuggets off the kids menu at every meal. I used the reviews in the Unofficial Guide to Disney World and made our plan, breathing a sigh of relief when everything was booked.

One of the smartest things I did was to buy the boys Birnbaum’s Kids Guide to Disney World. Noah and Ray devoured it. They read the description of every ride. They also watched Disney World promotional videos on Netflix. Their excitement was at a fever pitch. And per the guides suggestion we made lists the week prior to the trip for each park that included which rides we couldn’t miss, which were maybes and which ones we definitely could go without seeing. The boys loved this. And a few days before the trip I looked at the Unofficial Guides touring plans and made our own plan based on what we wanted to see and geographic location. I also kept track of which counter service restaurants would be decent to hit for our second meal a day based on where in the park we might be. And though in retrospect I definitely overdid the size of our order I was also pleased with ordering food from Garden Grocer and having it delivered to the resort since we didn’t have a car. Most important was the fruit we ate for breakfast and the water and juice boxes that kept us going without paying $4 at the park.

I admit even I thought I was being insane with all this planning. But damn am I glad I did it. And I’d do it again. All our sit down meals were excellent. And because we had a plan there wasn’t much standing around squabbling about what we should do next. And the time of year was perfect – the lines were short and though the heat was uncomfortable at times it also made for a perfect pool day.
There are a few things I would do differently. I thought Hollywood Studios was a major disappointment and I won’t go again. I was a bit disappointed in Animal Kingdom too, but I’m sure if we saw some shows there we’d have enjoyed it more. They told us we had to line up a half hour before a show to get in – and Lee just wasn’t in a stage where I’d wait in line half an hour and then sit through a show with him.
Some things were more awesome than I hoped. The kids enjoyed Epcot way more than I expected. The loved the rides Test Track, Soaring, Nemo and The Land. They still laugh about Turtle Talk with Crush. But they also loved the countries for two reasons, the biggest being The Kim Possible missions. Kids sign up to be on Team Possible and get a fake cell phone that then sends them on mission in one of the countries. They look around for clues and the phone triggers magical things to happen. It’s quite cool. Despite never having seen Kim Possible this was right up Noah’s alley, half his play has to do with spies. The boys did 4 missions – in Germany, Japan, France and the UK. Ray got a little frightened on the Japan mission, what with the killer robot babies, but he got over it. I also got the boys Epcot passports and it was a fun activity to have them stamped in each country.

Lee’s favorite thing about Disney World was the ducks. He’d have spent all day every day chasing ducks around every Disney constructed body of water. But I was most struck by Lee’s fearlessness, as I often am. I took him on every ride that didn’t have a height requirement. He went through the pitch black spookiness of rides like Haunted Mansion and Pirates of the Caribbean seamlessly. Once or twice he’d go “MA?” as if to say “Are we okay?” I’d hold him tight and say “It’s okay. I’m right here” and he’d be fine. I think his favorite ride was Small World – he looked around and chattered as if chiming in with us trying to identify the countries represented.

Ray never wanted to leave Disney World. Last Christmas he saw a picture of my Mom in front of the Epcot geosphere and was impressed with the giant golf ball. When I told him he’d see it in person he was excited and it didn’t disappoint. He lists it among his favorite rides. Of course his list of favorite rides consists of almost everything he rode. And he rode everything he was tall enough to ride – including Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, which is his biggest coaster to date. He loved it – and rode it three times. The other thing Ray loved doing was looking for Hidden Mickeys. He is still obsessed and anywhere he sees circles he sees one.

Noah has become my thrill seeker. He went on almost every big thrill ride twice. He goes on things I break out in a sweat just considering. Space Mountain was his favorite but he also enjoyed the Rockin Roller Coaster as well as Mission Space. My sister and I went to take him on the more adult version of Mission Space after the attendant reassured me it was just two complete spins different – but after I got in that small simulator box and the head guard started pulling down I panicked and had to be let off the ride. But Noah loved it. He’s way cooler than me.

Mark was a Disney cynic. I think part of him wanted to be underwhelmed but he just couldn’t be. In fact I could tell he was a bit taken with the classic feel of Magic Kingdom. We might not be fond of huge conglomerates constructing palatable vacation experiences but we do love a theme park. And well, the food was good. He can’t argue with that.

One of my favorite things about the trip was Mickey’s Not So Scary Halloween party. My Mom splurged and bought the extra tickets the party required and though I knew the kids would love it I was a bit suspect of their worth. However I LOVED the parade. I watched it a second time while everyone else went on rides. I loved the grave digger and zombie dancers. So much so that we’ve been watching the parade repeatedly on Youtube. I can’t get the music out of my head.

Of course the best part of the vacation was being together. My Mom and her husband followed us around on our harried schedule – helping out with the kids, taking them on rides and keeping them busy. And that was real quality time for all of them. And watching the kids enjoyment of the parks was, dare I say it, magical. And yes, we all got over tired and over stimulated in certain moments but the lines were short, we were on a mission and mostly we just kept going.

The boys want to plan another Disney trip tomorrow. I’ve told them a day at Hershey Park will have to do next summer. But I can see us going back to Disney in 5 years – the boys at 12, 9 and 6. I picture us staying in one of the lodges in the Wilderness Lodge resort. It’s farther out and you have to get to everything by bus but you stay in a little cabin that I imagine would be fun and more appropriate for boys of that age.

Here are petty details of the dining itinerary, again these are more for my reference than for thrilling reading:

Sunday Epcot Center with my sister, her husband and son
11:30 Sunshine Station in The Land – Excellent choices, excellent quality of fast food lunch. Totally recommend. I loved my veggie noodle bowl.
4pm Germany’s Beer Garden Buffet – Not only is the food excellent but the kids really loved the German band and danced their little hearts out. I dare say our kids were entertaining the entire house.

Monday Animal Kingdom
11:30 Local Anandapur Café – Again, really fresh and flavorful fast food.
4:00 BOMA in Animal Kingdom Lodge – everyone says this flavors of Africa buffet is awesome and they aren’t exaggerating. LOVE. I was a bit put off when I realized it wasn’t in the park and we had to go a bit out of our way to get there and back, but it was worth it.

Tuesday Magic Kingdom
11:30 Character buffet lunch with Pooh and friends at Crystal Palace – The food options at this buffet are more conventional but done very well. Everything was good.
4:00 Starlight Rays – This was rated as one of the better fast food options at Magic Kingdom, which has a reputation of having lower quality food than the other parks, because it has a burger fixins bar but I was not impressed. Edible but meh.
9:00 snacks at Pecos Bill – Another fast food place with a fixins bar. Fine. But I can recommend the onion rings.

Wednesday Pool Day
12:00 lunch at Captain Cooks in Polynesian – Flat bread pizzas, sandwiches and noodle dishes were decent but once again the kids picks were just nuggets, mac and cheese and PB&J. The kids can’t even get the pizza with their meal plan. It’s a sin. I used the adult meal plans to feed them.
5:00 O’hana – Family style dinner of wings, dumplings, low mein, broccoli and grilled meats. Tasty. And fun.

Thursday Hollywood Studios
11:30 50’s Primetime Café – This was the only sit down menu meal we had and it was fantastic. The boys all devoured the chicken noodle soup and my fish dish was so tasty – mashed potatoes and grilled asparagus included. But nothing could beat my peanut butter milkshake. Awesome.
6:00 dinner for boys from Captain Cooks
7:15 Citricos- My Mom watched the boys so Mark and I could have an early anniversary celebration. I mentioned our anniversary in an offhanded way when I booked it and Disney put that info on our stay info so we were constantly being wished a “Happy Anniversary!” At dinner they took our photo and gave it to us as a souvenir. We found this sort of corny but it made us smile. This is a Disney Signature restaurant and takes 2 table meal credits per person but we decided to just pay cash. We totally splurged, getting a bottle of wine and ordering a full meal. Everything was delicious. REALLY delicious.

Friday Magic Kingdom
12:00 Columbia Harbor House – I found this a better fast food option than the burger places. I had a tasty salad and Mark enjoyed a tuna fish sandwich, though he was disappointed he couldn’t get soup with our meal plan.
4:00 Liberty Tree Tavern – A family style Thanksgiving style dinner. It’s as good as you’ll get over the holidays, probably better.

Parts of me was dreading Disney World with three small children. But it was absolutely great. If I had to do it all again - I'd worry alot less. Well... if that was possible for me.

Readin, Writin, Reflux

2011-09-14T13:50:00.002-04:00

The beginning of the school year has been a momentous one. Big changes in these hills.

I will start with Ray because his change is much less complicated. Ray started going to Young Children’s Center for the Arts for preschool. He attends three 6 hour days to get him ready for fulltime Kindergarten next year. I was a little nervous about how he would make the change but I needn’t be. He was so excited leading up to his first day and he has loved every minute of it. And unlike Noah whom I have to drag information from, Ray comes home and tells me what songs they sang, what paintings he made, and what his teachers and classmates say. He is just itching to share. And he calls all his playmates “my friend.” He is doing great and I am so proud and excited for him.

With Ray and Noah in school I am home 3 days a week with just Lee. This is fantastic but also a bit overwhelming. I can’t remember what in hell I did with Noah at 18 months old to keep him busy all day. I’m going to start operating on more of a schedule to keep us both busy and entertained after our upcoming vacation.

And then there is Noah. When the time came to figure out where Noah was going to go to Kindergarten I was petrified by the steps and all the options. In the public school district there are 3 kinds of schools. Charter, which enrolls by lottery, Magnet, which enrolls by application and ability – and is for upper grades, and Neighborhood which enrolls by geographic area. Our neighborhood school is Moffett and I wasn’t satisfied with sending Noah there. When you don’t want to send your kid to the neighborhood school you can fill out a Neighborhood Transfer Form that says you want to go to a school in a different neighborhood. However these schools take the kids from their neighborhood first and only after that do they take kids outside if they have spots. Often they do not. How each neighborhood school handles the spots open to transfers varies. I put in Noah’s transfer form and put his name in for some charter school lotteries but really I wasn’t crushed when those didn’t yield results. The moment I went to Frankford Friends I fell in love with it. It was small, modest, and close knit. I could tell that they weren’t just going to be teaching my child the basics but also contribute to his character and his view of the world. I could see from the middle school kids who were all so individual and warm that it was a very special place. A place I wanted to be a part of. And we couldn’t have been more thrilled with Noah’s Kindergarten experience there. I will always love Frankford Friends.

But this summer I started to think about two tuitions. Three tuitions. And about the inevitability of moving our kids to public school. I came to the conclusion that even if we could struggle and make ends meet to send all the kids there – that it would cost our family other opportunities for growth and learning. I began to think that if we didn’t have to pay for school we could use even a portion of that money to supplement education with lessons, sports and educational trips – things that would be harder to do, even impossible while paying tuition. And so I realized that a change was going to have to be made eventually. But when? Which made me come to the realization that sooner was better. Better to move Noah before he became more entrenched in his Frankford Friends friendships, accustomed to the smallness. Better to move him when there was just him to move. And I realized I should have tried to transfer Noah to First Grade at Greenfield, a neighborhood public school downtown with an excellent reputation and a Gifted program that begins in Second grade. Noah had spent the summer playing with friends who went to Greenfield and whose parents were very pleased. But of course it was too late to make such a change. I should have done that paperwork last September.

I decided I’d write the Principal on the off chance they had a space for Noah. I told him about Noah, about how awesome he was and why I wanted to make the move to Greenfield. Of course he wrote back right away and said basically “No, fill out forms to transfer them both next year.” But I decided to pursue it further anyway. I asked friends whose kids went to Greenfield to mention us, and how great Noah was to the Principal. I wrote him again and I called and talked to him on the phone and he told me the same thing but also said they had a policy that if a child doesn’t show up for the first ten days they strike them from their books and then they might have a space. So I had to think whether I would have N go to FF for 2 weeks and then transfer him. I told him I’d do that – that it would be hard for him but it was for the best. That he should let me know if they had a vacancy. I also stopped into the office to meet the Principal in person and give him copies of Noah’s report cards and again said how much we wanted it. On the first day of the Philadelphia public school, after a sleepless night spent obsessing over it, I wrote the Principal an email that said PLEASE - how it would be great if he could find an opening for Noah before he started his school on Thursday – how it would be a lot less stressful for him. He didn’t respond to my email.

So I called Wednesday afternoon. The conversation went like this:
“Hi Dan, It’s Nicole Eggerts.”
(Perceived sigh.) “ Hi, Nicole. You are persistent.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t want to irritate you.”
“No. You are not. Noah starts school Thursday, right?”
“Yes.”
(To his secretary) “Sherry, what are the counts for 212?”
To me “You can bring him in and register him tomorrow morning.”
“THANK YOU!”
I signed him up the following morning satisfied that I left him in a class with one of his neighborhood friends, after seeing another one of his friends in the hall with her class.

But of course now I’m wringing my hands about whether it was the right thing. Frankford Friends was so wonderful, so small and precious. Greenfield is enormous in comparison, A REAL schooly feeling school with 3 first grades, an auditorium, cafeteria, gym, computer and science labs, gardens and new play equipment. Its such a big change. Noah seems to be doing fine with the adjustment though he said he does miss his old school. In a way I know Noah will do good any place. He is really a self motivated learner and I’m glad that during first grade he will be tested for admittance to the gifted program and that should help to challenge him. But I’d be remiss in not mentioning that I am not sold on his new teacher yet. She is new to the school but had previously been teaching middle school for 20 years. Noah says he likes her but it seems they have been doing a lot of copying off the board and uninteresting worksheets. And she’s unexpectedly out the beginning of the week and didn’t leave any lesson plans for an ancient sub. So now I’m spinning my wheels about whether I should have tried to get him into Second Grade – since he’s only 2 months past the grade cutoff mark and already reading at a Third Grade level. Always something to obsess about. The feeling of triumph is fleeting. Am I doing enough for them? Am I doing the right thing? It’s dizzying and I feel a bit ill.

Kissy Kissy

2011-08-09T11:33:00.000-04:00

Noah faced his first bullying incident last week. But before I get to the details I want to talk about his summer camp.

This year I signed Noah up for day camp at Bridesburg Rec Center. He had attended preschool there and the Kindercamp in summer but this was the first time he was going to attend the camp for the school age children. The program runs from 10 to 2 on Monday through Friday, in 2 four week sessions. The cost is a mere $170 a session. The first session includes a daily swim lesson, a weekly field trip and a lunch (which Noah doesn’t eat because it’s too processed). The camp is structured on the kids doing their own thing. They have a playground, a sprinkler, sports fields, game tables, crafts, lego area, action figure table, sand hill and lots of grass for kids to just hang out. The kids are mostly free to do what they want when they want, including when to eat lunch. There a few adult teachers who lead the camp but the bulk of the counselors are neighborhood teens who themselves went to the camp when they were younger. I love this aspect, as a teen I taught a girl scout summer day camp and I like to envision Noah as a counselor someday. The kids also have access to a table where they can buy snack food, popsicles and candy. And while I am not thrilled with the selections I do like that for the first time I give Noah money and he figures out how he wants to spend it. As a result he has really learned the value of coins and how to add and subtract them – while buying ice pops and Doritos. As you can tell I’m quite pleased with the camp as I have been with our preschool experience there.

The camp is part of a neighborhood rec program. Bridesburg is a very old neighborhood that is fairly traditional, white and blue collar. And while the lack of diversity is an issue for me I do like that the neighborhood is so invested and involved in the rec center. Many of the kids who go there are the kids of parents who also attended the programs when they were young, and possibly even their parents. And the bulk of the school age kids who attend the summer camp are ones who also attend the neighborhood elementary school that is right next door to the camp. These kids know each other, and each others families. Noah is an outsider however I signed Noah up with some of his little friends and though he hasn’t really made any new friends he has really deepened the bonds he has had with his already existing friends – which mostly happen to be girls.

Only Noah and his friend (we will call her) Rose attended both sessions of the camp. And the two of them were inseparable. Rose is an only child and very spirited. She rules the roost, but Noah is pretty easy going so they make a fine pair. But over the course of the summer Rose has gotten a bit possessive and jealous about Noah. She wants him all to herself and in a way she has prevented him from making new friends at camp. Her father says Rose has always been jealous – she was left in an orphanage in China at the age of 3 months and spending time in an institution where attention was fought for and fleeting has left an impression. Rose gets visibly upset if her parents even look at another a baby let alone hold one. So Rose and Noah have been a constant twosome, tied at the hip while at camp. And it hasn’t gone unnoticed.

Last week a big group of girls, the bulk of them around 9 (I guess) went up to Noah and Rose and asked if they were boyfriend and girlfriend. I am unclear what exactly transpired other than the girls were chasing them around, Noah was knocked down , his knee skinned and his Croc broken. The girls told them they wouldn’t leave them alone until they kissed. They made them kiss. At some point during this Noah hid in the bathroom and cried. (He told me that.) When I arrived to pick Ray up from his Kindercamp Noah and Rose were having a picnic under a tree and there was a gaggle of older girls around them. I asked N&R how their day was going and Rose said “BAD.” And then she told me these girls around them made them kiss. At this time it was the only portion of the story I got. But I immediately addressed the girls – shaming them for picking on 6 year olds and shooing them away from the area. I then went to the head of her camp and told her the kissing part of the incident since that was all I knew.

When all of it went down I was really upset. But I quickly realized Noah didn’t really want to keep talking about it. He has some pride and was trying to be brave and unfazed so as far as I was concerned since I scolded the girls, the counselor scolded the girls, there was no repeat incidents and it didn’t ruin Noah’s enjoyment of the camp then I was good.

Rose’s parents were more upset and wanted the parents of the girls to acknowledge the incident as being their child’s fault. And as a result they kept bringing it up with me and the counselors in front of Noah, who so badly wanted to pretend it didn’t happen. Part of their issue was they wondered if the kids were picked on because Rose is Chinese. And that may very well be part of it – she is a minority at a camp in a neighborhood known for being not entirely tolerant to differences. But to me it seemed just as likely that they were picked on because they were not known neighborhood kids and because it’s been funny to watch this pair of 6 year olds walking around like a married couple for the last couple of weeks. Whether it was one of those reasons or all three- it doesn’t matter. The parents aren’t going to admit the problem at the core is that they don’t like Chinese people and have a change of heart. Of course when Rose’s parents talked to the counselor about the discussion with the parents they were told the girls had different stories and denied things and their parents believed them. To which I said “Of course. You’d probably do the same thing.” I know I would unless my kid had a history of not being believable, but at our core we all want to think our kid isn’t capable of bullying.

So there it is. Noah was bullied. As far as I know there has been no further issues. Noah is sad that this is his last week of camp. He had a great time. He’s gotten to be so grown up there. He’s had a great time with his friends, Rose in particular. He is now a fully skilled swimmer and no longer needs any floatation device. And he’s insistent he go there again next year – and that he’ll watch out for Ray who next year will also be old enough to attend. What I love about the camp is the freedom the kids get because that is truly what summer should feel like. Just chilling with your friends with all the fun at your finger tips. But then again the lack of supervision is an issue if bullying becomes a problem. I guess we’ll just have to hope that it doesn’t.

only the lonely

2011-08-06T11:29:00.000-04:00

I started reading blogs when I was trying to get pregnant with Noah. To get a glimpse into the life of a Mom, to find answers to questions about possible infertility since it was taking us so long to conceive. I started this blog when Noah was a few months old – to get advice on mothering, to work through the questions I had, to document his young life and to communicate with the world since I was home alone with him the bulk of the day.

These days I don’t need advice. I have my own thing going and I rarely face a dilemma that I don’t have an idea on how I want to handle it. I’m seasoned in the small children rearing. That isn’t to say that I’m not interested in what others are doing or think that what I am doing is right for anyone else – just that I have a feel for what works best for me, for us. And though I still want to document the lives of the boys I rarely have the time to do that – and when I do it makes for a really boring read. For awhile I wasn’t very lonely – I had a network of neighborhood Moms who I became friendly with – mostly with kids Noah’s age, possibly with a sibling Ray’s age and we hung out as a pack. But as our older kids are now in school we get together less and less.

Lee was a game changer in a lot of respects. None of our friends have three kids. No one in my circle has a kid Lee’s age and oddly that makes a difference. I need to make friends who will be his little friends. In the past I made friends at play group, on the playground – just striking up conversations time and time again with faces that had become familiar. Though I am shy in my own way, I can also be fairly outgoing. But this doesn’t really work anymore. What I’ve learned is that people with one young child don’t want to become friends with a lady with three kids. Maybe it’s too much mayhem for them. Maybe it’s too annoying to have to deal with my “Oh when Noah was that age… And Ray was like this…” and my obvious “You think this is a big deal now but it isn’t.”

So now I’m lonely. I don’t feel like I am connecting with people, with adults. And though the kids bring me great joy every day, what I’m lacking is hurting me, is hurting us. I’m not sure how to resolve it. I know spending some time with my pre-baby friends, the friends I will always have regardless of differences in lifestyles, will help. But since I’m so clingy with my kids when they are under 2 it is hard for me to get away. I have to MAKE myself do it and sometimes that is added stress and not a stress reliever.

A couple of weeks ago I had a pregnancy scare. Though I wouldn’t say I was scared. My heart was excited. I really do want a fourth. I don’t feel done with the whole baby thing and I can’t force my emotional self to believe that it’s over – that Lee is my last. But my head was in a tizzy. I’m still feeling trapped by Lee’s toddlerhood since I can’t let my apron strings out before February so that was part of it. But the biggest part I was panicking about was what would everyone think. I can just imagine everyone shaking their heads over me having a FOURTH. Walking to the park with a tribe. Trying to control them all at the farm stand and the library – and all the “crazy” looks I’d get. And who wants to talk to the Mom of 4 at the park – NO ONE. She’s a roving stressed out circus. I don’t personally know anyone with 4 small children. It’s an anomaly. A freak show. Anyway – I wasn’t pregnant. And I was sad and relieved.

Any way – I’m lonely. And as a result I’m turning more inward, which is so not me. I’ve been described by someone as needing to update my Facebook status every time I “take a dump.” And while this person obviously doesn’t know me well enough because I RARELY discuss bathroom issues, I concede the sentiment. And they don’t even follow me on Twitter. But as of late I can’t summon the urge to update or tweet. I’m just not connecting – in any way.

This may be part of the depression that I’ve been struggling with since my Dad died. I understand that. I’ve been wavering between my depression being situationally appropriate and thinking maybe I could use some counseling. Of course since I can’t even get away to get my tooth filled that’s a moot idea.

Super Ray

2011-07-05T12:40:00.000-04:00

A drop of golden sun

2011-07-05T11:11:00.003-04:00

It's hard for me to talk too much about Ray without thinking about my Dad, without really missing him. I really feel like he and Ray were cut from the same cloth. I like to think that many of the problems my Dad had in his life were the result of his oversensitivity. He was easily affected by things and he never really learned an appropriate coping mechanism to deal with the things that hurt him. He would shut down mostly. As I say about Ray - when he's happy he's the happiest happy, and when he's sad he's the saddest sad. My Dad could be so much fun, he was effervescent when he was joyful. I'm still missing him very much every day.

But back to Ray - he is effervescent. People always smile and marvel at him. He can be this wound up ball of reckless energy however if he is wanting attention or he's not gotten enough stimulation. He is much more a physical being than Noah. He loves running, jumping, dancing and spinning. With Noah I've always switched up the classes I put him in - music, dance, and art - but Ray wants to take him tumbling class over and over again. He loves learning the tricks, balancing on the balancing beam, doing yoga stretches, and bouncing on the trampoline.

Ray turns four years old in 9 days but people always think he's older. For one thing he's quite tall and brawnier than Noah. Ray has also had a pretty impressive vocabularly and ability to be very verbal from before the age of 3. He talks. ALOT. In ways people are not expecting from a boy of his age.

Ray adores video games. If left to his own devices he would play endlessly online, on his leapster and on my iPhone. I limit his play mostly to things I deem educational. And honestly he's gotten so good at letter recognition, phonics and math because of these games. But what impresses me is how savy he is online. Though he can't read he can navigate a game that would seem to require reading. Just from being intuitive about where the START buttons and other functions would be. And he doesn't get easily frustrated with the games like Noah does. He'll take his time and try all the different options until he gets the right one. He had a friend over the other day who told me she used her computer at home but when Ray tried to show her something online she was baffled. She had problems using the mouse - and it wasnt until then that I realized how much he has truly mastered at game play.

Ray loves music. If it's rocking. He favorz male voices and songs that start with prominent guitar parts. He's a natural rock anthem fan. And he's a great dancer. He does his own thing with sort of amped up abandon. It is hysterical.

Ray adores Noah. He admires him. He follows him. If given the choice to be with or without Noah he'd almost always choose with (whereas Noah would probably choose a break from Ray). He mostly lets Noah take the lead with choosing their imaginative story lines but there are some games he favors himself. He wants to be Ron Weasely to Noah's Harry. He likes to play a puppy at the pet store that I pick out and take home. He loves to be Super Ray.

Ray is SO jealous of Lee. He tries to keep a level head about it, if there is such a thing for Ray, but his jealousy shows through. When I'm nursing Lee Ray will put his face right up to Lee's face to "love on him." In fact often when Lee gets hurt it's because Ray was loving on him. But most of the affection is still positive. He even talks of wanting us to have another baby.

When Ray misbehaves I can tell him to go sit on his bed and he'll go. Noah never did that. He would freak out when I suggested a time out - as if I just suggested life imprisonment. Ray seems to know he needs a quiet moment to collect himself and he just goes. I go up after a couple of minutes and we talk about whatever precipitated it. When Ray gets really upset however, like tantrum-ish upset, he seems like his tongue swells up. His tongue is sticking out of his mouth and he's trying to talk but he seems to be choking on his tongue. I tell him to calm down and stop crying and he says he can't and it usually takes me holding him and reassuring him to get him to settle down. He also goes through periods where he has night terrors, and this strikes me as him just being so emotional and needing to work through some stuff in the night. It wasn't uncommon for Ray to need to come to our bed in the middle of the night but he's been a bit better about it lately. At least for the moment. I never bank on kid's sleeping habits.

So there is some info on my Ray. He really is a piece of work. I readily admit he's a bit of a wild card and a slight bit wonky, but I don't just love him in spite of it, I love him because of it. I admire his spiritedness and am touched by how deeply he feels things. As an adult I can foresee Ray continuing to need me the most, but I can also see him making me feel the most treasured. Of course that could be the codependent in me.

Noah on the grow

2011-06-20T12:36:00.001-04:00

Noah had an incredible first year of school. Kindergarten flew by for him with nothing but positive things to say. No problems with classmates or teachers. His school was every bit the nurturing environment we had hoped it would be.
He is now a full fledged reader. This morning he woke up before me and finished his fifth Magic Tree House book. He is a regular book worm - often wanting to read for pleasure. Tomorrow starts the libraries book challenge which gives prizes based on how much you read and I'm certain this will motivate him even more.
Though he and Ray often butt heads they also play together quite well. Creating huge imaginative worlds in which they live. Though of course Noah prefers to be the one in charge at all times and has to be reminded to let Ray contribute in a way he didn't plan.
However nothing is as sweet as Noah with Lee. He adores him. Always ready for a cuddle and a smile.
Sometimes I feel like we need to apprentice Noah to someone - someone who can help him fully realize all his creative potential and isn't weighed down by the time, energy and attention constraints of having other children. He needs someone who can drop everything and help him make the movie he's been planning for 6 months. He would thrive as an only child.
And then I watch him play with his brothers and I remember how lonely I was and how Noah shares his whole life with his brothers and I am so happy that they have each other.
Noah is growing so fast into such a smart, sweet and lovable little man. So far I am confident that he will be an incredible person to know as an adult. And that's really the goal, isn't it?

Notes on Lee

2011-06-16T10:25:00.001-04:00

He loves dogs. If he sees a dog at the park he will head right for it and show little fear of getting right up in it's face. It's terrifying.
He loves books. Especially tactile booms like those by Matthew Van Fleet or the "That's not my monster" series. He will hand you a book and back up into your lap. Sometimes he climbs into the yellow rocking armchair and sits there looking at books on his own.
He has great rhythm. He claps to the beat and often sings the melody of songs. He os particularly good at The White Stripes "Seven Nation Army."
He talks. He's getting a good arsenal of words. But he also chatters, incessantly.
He is a climber. He scales everything.
He loves to look out the window.
He will bring you his shoes because he wants to go out.
He likes to dress up. Put on your clothes, a necklace, some sunglasses. He looks proud.
He started playing with the toy kitchen.
His favorite past time however is taking things out of one place and putting them in another. Like putting clean laundry in the hamper or dirty laundry in the drawers.
He is a wanderer. He will take off with nary a look back. And if he sees you coming after him he will pick up speed and laugh.
But that doesn't mean I can leave the room he is in to get a shower. I have to sneak away every morning. He's fine as long as he doesn't see me go.
He is so lovable and charming it must be a sin. Just picturing his sweet face makes me light up, even in the grimmest of times. And some times have been grim.
He adores his brothers.
He is almost 16 months old and I have barely blogged about him. It isn't because he isn't noteworthy or incredible. It is because life is chaotic and fast and I rarely get a chance. But maybe if I try to do a word here and there I can back into it. Maybe.

Noah and Mark doing The Sharing Song

2011-04-08T16:25:00.000-04:00

Good grief, she's at it again.

2011-03-11T10:49:00.002-05:00

I apologize for all the depressing Dad and death talk on here, on Twitter, on Facebook. But I process things in print. Writing is my outlet. If I don’t write it down and share it I will keep speaking it to myself over and over again in my head. I have to get it out, no matter how repetitive and in a shambles it is. Please bear with me.
On the morning of Tuesday, February 15 Noah had gone to school and Lee had gone down for a nap. I was watching our neighbor Ella and she and Ray were playing in the toy room. I was in the boys room trying to fold some laundry. My cell phone rang. It was my brother Jim. He said “Nicole, I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this. Dad died this morning.” “WHAT?” And though he repeated himself and started with the details all I could think was “WHAT? HOW? WHY?” I was sobbing, in that kind of animal-like cry and I heard Ray tell Ella “Her Dad died. She is very sad. Let’s spy on her.”
Dad worked in a cold storage warehouse, meaning a giant freezer, using fork lifts to pick and load pallets of frozen foods on to trucks for delivery to grocery stores. He went to work at 4 am. He’d gotten up that morning presumably around 3. When what we presume was a stroke came on he must have gotten very light headed or lost his vision, which is what happened when he had the mini-stroke last year. It appears he walked into the edge of a cabinet and gashed his head which began bleeding a bit. He then went into the bathroom steps away to wash off the blood and collect himself. He sat down and died. My grandmother got up around 9 and when she came downstairs she saw the bathroom door was ajar a bit, she tried to push it closed but my father was in the way. She found him dead on the floor. She called 911 and my brother Jim who went right over and called me and my sisters on his way. We were all so shocked. Are so shocked. Will continue to be so hurt and shocked. We didn’t see this coming.
But then I tell myself Dad would have wanted it this way. If he had a major stroke and survived needing a lot of care he’d have been begging us to kill him. He was fiercely private about some things and very stubborn. He also would not have wanted to witness our suffering – sitting around knowing he was dying slowly, that his days were numbered. So for those reasons I guess we should be thankful – for him.
My Dad and I were in a really good place. I’d seen him a couple of weeks prior. Took the boys out to spend some time with him just because I tried to make sure we saw him and Oma once a month. He made a roasted chicken with carrots and potatoes that we all gobbled up. He played with the boys – watching Noah read and Ray write, even getting down on the floor to have fun with them. He seemed in good spirits. And it was an awesome visit. I called him a few days prior to his death and told him how much we’d enjoyed it. But the bulk of our conversation was about a TV. When I saw him I told him we bought a new TV and Dad said he’d been thinking about buying one and that if he could walk home from Walmart with one (Dad didn’t have a license) he’d have one by now. And since the visit I kept meaning to call and tell him that I’d help to get him a TV – watch for a good deal online and have it shipped free. But as always it took me awhile to call because the prime time to reach Dad was between 3 and 6 pm and that’s always the busiest with the kids. But Dad said he didn’t really need a TV yet but promised me he’d let me know if he changed his mind. It was a silly conversation but at least I know he knows I was thinking about him and what I could do for him. How I could help – though he didn’t really like being helped.
And yet I still have some regret about not calling him on Valentine’s Day. Worry that he didn’t feel loved. I meant to, but the day once again got away from me. I took some photos of the boys and doctored them up to make little silly Valentines and send them to a bunch of loved ones via text message. Dad’s phone was too old to see photos and I thought of posting one on his Facebook wall but he really checked it. So I thought “I’ll just give him a call.” And I didn’t. GOD I regret that. Not just that I would have had one more chance to talk to him but that maybe he would tell me he wasn’t feeling great and I could have persuaded him to go to the hospital. Of course that’s kind of a laugh since you couldn’t persuade him to do much, in fact he’d probably refrain from doing so until he was convinced it was his own idea. (Have I mentioned that Ray is my father?) But anyway – just to have heard his voice that one more time.
And yet I don’t feel like I have the right to feel that way. We didn’t have unfinished business. So many others did. My sister Elisha in Florida is wrecked that she hadn’t seen him in a year. My sister Jessica who hadn’t seen my Dad for 13 years was on the brink, after a year of Facebook contact, of finally re-meeting Dad when her mother once again forbade it. She never got to know him or really understand that though he wasn’t there for her like he should have been it wasn’t because he didn’t adore her. He was sad for not knowing her every day. And there is a lot of other family heartbreak.
There was a time I wasn’t speaking to my father, between my wedding and when Noah was born. I was so angry at him for not fixing the situation with Jessica. I knew it was hurting him every day and that he didn’t feel emotionally able to rectify it but I was so angry that he wasn’t there to be a father to her like he had been for me. Any one of us could go on and on about how messed up the situation was and why he felt the way he felt but when it comes right down to it I don’t believe there is any good reason to not be a part of your child’s life. And so I told him he had to fix his life and I couldn’t be a part of his until he did that. In retrospect I see that I really felt that this would push him to do something, but it didn’t and so it was more needless pain for us both. During that time period I would see my Dad everywhere. Every bald guy with facial hair appeared to be my Dad on the periphery. I just expected to have him show up.

And then he did. When I got pregnant with Noah I wrote a few letters to Dad. Too much time had passed and I missed him dearly. I knew that being a grandfather to my kids would mean so much to him. And that not having him in my child’s life would be a great loss. So I sent him information about my pregnancy and pictures from my ultrasounds. I didn’t hear back but without a word he showed up at the hospital the morning after Noah was born with a stuffed dog. And seeing him that morning was one of the happiest moments of my life. We didn’t really need to patch things up, he was just there. And he was at the hospital when I was in labor with Ray and the first visitor after Lee was born. And he was so thrilled with the boys. And they were really growing to love him and look forward to seeing him. It’s for them that I feel so robbed. They are too young to really know what they will be missing. But I know.
When I tell someone that my Dad had four children with four different mothers it sounds like my Dad was a womanizer. But that couldn’t be farther from the truth. He was really a failed romantic. His women left him, he’d fall into a total self destructive depression, swear off romance for 10 years and then somehow fall into a relationship kicking and screaming about women being trouble. When he was young all he wanted was a normal, stable family – to be the good, around all the time Dad and husband that he didn’t have. And he tried to be that three times and with each try he got more beat down and unable to get back up. Not to say the man was faultless - he was stubborn, emotional and had a weakness for drink. But he was well meaning. He loved too deeply. Felt too strongly. But that love, when you were on the receiving end, as I always was, was the best thing ever.

The end of Dad's chapter

2011-03-01T20:56:00.002-05:00

Whenever I’d ask Dad too many questions he’d joke “What? You writing a book? Leave my chapter out.”

After Christmas last year Dad had a mild stroke. At the time we took it very seriously. Dad would get so pissed as my sister and I tried to talk to his doctors. We wanted to know everything there was to know. What caused it? What could be done? Was this going to happen again? Within days he made a complete recovery. They told him first and foremost to quit smoking. And much to everyone’s surprise he did. They put him on medications and required regular checkups and blood work and I was amazed he actually kept up with it. And they told him to lose weight and get his blood pressure under control. I was pissed they sent him home with no information on exactly how to do that. I complained to Dad that the hospital really should give him an informative pamphlet on some simple things he could do to decrease his blood pressure and moderate his diet. I bought him a book on heart healthy eating and I’m pretty sure he shoved it in the drawer with the computer for dummies books I bought and he never used. And though he made great strides with some things, his weight increased instead of decreased. He said his medications drained his energy and he therefore got less exercise than he used to, and in quitting smoking he packed on some weight. When I’d ask what his doctors were saying he’d say they were still moving around his medication mix and that his blood pressure was still too high. But the disbelief, the relief that he’d stopped smoking was huge for us all. It made everything else seem like background noise.
And this is what makes me so mad. Blood pressure issues are so common, I never realized it was a real threat. High blood pressure and weight killed my father. Either the doctors never lead him to believe that it was this serious or he never passed that belief on to us. I’m so angry that less salt, more water, more exercise would mean he’d still be here with us. We should have had so many more years together.
And there is so much baggage. Unresolved issues in his own life, and huge issues about what is to happen now. There is a huge dispute rising up about what would be best for my Oma and I just have this heavy heart feeling that she’s going to be gone by the end of this year. I want so much to do the right thing by her, make sure she gets the care she needs but sadly it isn’t my decision. And I know how pissed my Dad would be with what is going to go on – how he’d spent the last year practically trapped in that house because he was afraid to leave Oma alone overnight and now she might end up shoved in some shabby apartment alone with no regular care. I’m at a loss about what to do.
The last two weeks I was in a tizzy of getting things done and taking care of others and now things are settling down and I’m feeling alone and insane. They say it takes a year to mourn and I can see now how that is true. Because at the moment I vacillate between disbelief, desperate sadness and anger. And trying to keep it all in check while taking care of the kids seems like an impossible task. I have problems taking care of myself under normal circumstances – and this, well HOW? I can’t even imagine how to do it.
My Dad had his flaws. He made mistakes in his life and he was often his own worst enemy – repeatedly shooting himself in the foot. But I can say without reservation that he was one of the most loving people. I’d seen him cry so many times – in happiness and sadness. He felt things so very deeply , too deeply in fact. And he hated to see us upset and would be devastated by all this suffering.
We went to a local park near my house on Saturday and scattered Dad's ashes in the Delaware River. It was me, my 2 sisters, my brother, his 18 year old daughter, and Noah. Noah was the only young family member who wanted to come. I asked Noah if he wanted to say anything to his PaJoe and he said "I hope he has a nice trip." And I know from further questioning that Noah meant that twofold - he was speaking of PAJoe's ashes traveling on the river but also of his spiritual journey. Noah is firm in his belief that PaJoe was going some place next and he hopes it is a grand adventure, one on which we can later accompany him. And I hope that too.

Rage

2011-03-01T10:28:00.001-05:00

I have come to realize I am angry. So very angry. At no one in particular. It's just bubbling under the surface and bits come spitting out in moments of frustration. I am not being very patient with the boys. I feel out of control.

I miss him dearly

2011-02-28T14:58:00.001-05:00

My father is gone. It was sudden. It is horrible. I read this at his service.

There is no way to make sense of this. We should have had so much more time with Dad. But rather than focus on what we no longer have I need to talk about some of the wonderful things we did have, what he meant to us, who he was.
Dad wore his heart on his sleeve. And sadly it had been broken many times. And though he carried around a lot of pain with him Dad was really a jovial guy. He had so many things that brought him joy – sitting at the bar, chatting with a stranger, taking a walk and seeing new things, going out for a nice meal, taking us to zoos, amusement parks, movies, museums, circuses and boat trips. But most of all Dad loved his family – loved getting us all together, cooking us a meal and watching the children grow and play. He had a sweet tooth and he made sure all the grandchildren knew where the candy jar was. He loved to look at photos of us all – and his walls were covered with all of our faces. Everyone had photos on that wall that they weren’t pleased with – but Dad saw beauty in them all. And that was what was the most powerful thing about Dad. He could make you feel so incredibly loved and special – and that love was unconditional. It shaped me and healed me so many times in my life. But the thing that he would be most proud of, the thing for which I am most thankful for is that he brought us all together. We all have different mothers, and some of us different fathers – but that doesn’t matter. We are a family. And we will all get through this tragedy, this pain, and all its grief in exactly the way he would of wanted us to – together.

A Christmas to remember

2010-12-28T21:29:00.002-05:00

Clearly blogging every day didn’t work out in the end. At first I just couldn’t get it done because I had too much Christmas wrapping and prepping to do. And then, well, I missed part of Christmas.

Lee had been sick all week. Fevers, congestion, coughing and not eating. He seemed better on Wednesday but then took a turn for the worse on Thursday. On Friday morning I was in a tizzy trying to decide if I should take him in to the doctors. He’d been in on Monday and was on antibiotics so I wasn’t sure what else the doctors could do for him but I thought it might be a good move to get him checked out before they closed for the holiday weekend because he wasn’t getting better. I decided to put him down for his morning nap and then see how he felt. When he woke up he seemed groggy and didn’t want to nurse so I called the doctors, left a message and jumped into the shower. I got out of the shower dripping wet to answer their return call. They told me to bring him in immediately as they were closing the office for the holiday in the next hour. So I got dressed, got him dressed and headed out the door and to the subway in a whirlwind.

While in the waiting room I noticed for the first time how chapped his lips were. I knew this wasn’t a good sign. And as soon as they weighed him I knew it wasn’t good news. He’d lost over a pound since we’d been in on Monday. The doctor came in and said he was clearly getting dehydrated and advised I take him right over to Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia to get him fluids, unless I felt I could get a lot of fluids into him in the next few hours. I tried to nurse him and as soon as I started to get him into position he started gagging at the mere thought of it. And then he swatted my breast away. They called us a cab to CHOP.

At this point I really thought they’d hook him up to an IV, get some fluids into him and then we’d get home in time to go about our Christmas Eve business. On Christmas Eve my Mom and her husband, and my Father in law and his wife come to our house for dinner and then a gift exchange. Last year I was pregnant and put off by cooking, and particularly eating anything I had cooked, so we decided to have dinner at The Plough and the Stars. It was a huge success. The meal was great and the place was so beautifully decorated, my Mom said she wanted to go there again this year. We had a 5pm reservation.

At CHOP things did not go smoothly. Lee was admitted to the ER for dehydration and for fluids but they couldn’t get an IV in. He was so dehydrated that when they finally found a vein it would flatten out and be unusable. I took four tries, three people and about four hours to get his IV in. He’d be writing, crying and screaming as they poked at him, with me holding him down and after the attempt failed they’d give him 45 minutes to calm down. Also one of the first things they did was suction snot from his nose by shoving a really long thin tube down it. He really hated this and was inconsolable afterwards. The doctor who saw him for the first time then was so worried about him that she wanted to give a spinal tap to see if he had spiral meningitis. Luckily she came back later when I had got him calmed down listening to Pandora radio on my phone and reading a book. She said “I am SO thankful I got to see him like this. I was really worried with how upset he was before. That he wouldn’t even comfort with you.”

The nurse told me there was actually an argument going on between staff about whether to let us go home. I had explained that I had a 3 year old and 6 year old at home and I didn’t want to miss Christmas with them, and that if Lee wasn’t getting better after the fluids that I could bring him back. But Lee continued to not to want to nurse, not even to comfort himself and that was alarming to me. And once it took that long to get the IV in there wasn’t any way I wanted to have them unhook him and have to go through it again later. It was clear we were in for the night.

So I told Mom and Mark to just go about Christmas Eve as if everything was normal. They went out to dinner and did the gift exchange, sending me pictures on the phone while I sat on an ER bed holding sweet Lee, trying to nurse every half hour with no success. He was so listless that he didn’t even try to move around, just hung out in my arms, fretting and dozing. We watched White Christmas and talked to a million doctors and nurses. I'm told Noah was quite sad that I wasn't with them while Ray seemed unphased until bed time when he capped the night off with a 20 minute screaming fit for "Mama!"

At 11 I talked the doctor into taking him off the fluids after he said that being juiced up might prevent him from getting thirsty and wanting to nurse. He said I had 3 hours to get him to nurse and then he was going back on. Just before 2 I was successful! Of course he vomited up a bit of it and had some diarrhea but at least he was eating! They let us go home around 11. I missed putting the presents under the tree and watching the boys come down Christmas morning and react to all their gifts, but Lee was getting better and at least I was still home in the morning.
On Christmas day we go to my Dad’s place around noon and then to my Mom’s at 5 – where we sleep over. Mark suggested we stay home and take it easy. But I freaked. “I WANT TO HAVE A CHRISTMAS! I didn’t get to have a Christmas yet,” I cried. And so we ran around like chickens with our heads cut off, squawking and pecking at each other to pack up and get ready to drive out to Quakertown and spend the night. And then we got in the car after 1:30 and heard that a BLIZZARD was coming the next morning. I just about broke down. But after all the crying and craziness it was a fine Christmas afternoon and it was probably for the best to wake up in our own bed the next day. It certainly beat the bench in the ER.

The CHOP ER is someplace I hope to never to visit again. Especially on Christmas. Walking through the hall and wondering what all the other families were going through was heart wrenching. Sure it was horrible to put Lee through that and to not be home on Christmas but at least Lee was a well baby who had gotten badly sick. I wasn’t in fear of his life while we were there. Twice I have volunteered at St. Christopher’s hospital’s Ronald McDonald House to serve breakfast on Valentine’s Day to the families of long term patients. And the last two years I have donated Christmas gifts to medically fragile children at the Dooley House. But I think next Christmas I’d like to do more. Try to find some way to reach out. You can't take away that pain, that sadness but it's nice to try.

The worse part of the experience for me was the change in Lee. He has always been very friendly with strangers, almost too friendly. Smiling at check out ladies, at people over my shoulder in stores, restaurants, on the subway. Flirting with the doctors during his checkup. And during that night in the ER – with all the new people coming in and hurting him – he didn’t have any more smiles. When a new doctor would come in and just put his stethoscope on him to hear his breathe he would start to scream in horror. I hope that experience doesn’t stick with him. We have a follow up appt at our doctor’s office tomorrow morning. I am eager and scared to see his reaction to the checkup. My poor little guy. I’ll never forget looking in his sad eyes as I held him while they tried repeatedly to find a vein and feeling him say “Why are you letting them hurt me?”

2010-12-22T22:14:00.002-05:00

Cards finally mailed. A mountain of packages to be wrapped. A sick baby still on the mend. A fun Christmas party for neighborhood friends successfully thrown. Some Christmas crafts made. This season of merriment is flying by.

Mark is off for the next week and a half. The best thing about having help is we can divide and conquer. Today Mark took Ray to his last tumbling class and while Lee took his first nap Noah and I painted some Christmas crafts. And then when Lee went down for an afternoon nap Mark and Ray played and built forts while Noah and I went downtown to finish up some Christmas shopping. Tomorrow I'm taking the big boys to see "The Borrowers" at the Arden in the morning while Mark mans wee Lee.

Sadly there is a downside to all of us being home fulltime for nearly two weeks - we will quickly get on each others nerves. One of my biggest flaws is difficulty delegating. I have a way I do things and how I want them done and often Mark tries to help and gets flak from both me and the boys for not doing it the way I would have. Many of his attempts to help are met with the boys whining "NO! I want Mama to do it." This is incredibly frustrating for him. Also being home 24-7 is an adjustment for him because he has a patience threshold that sometimes gets exceeded on weekends. He's going to miss his quiet office time. And then there is the boys getting on each others nerves since Noah is not in school.

But back to the positive - there will be movies, field trips, crafts, baking and leisurely mornings. I do savor our family togetherness, and I hope we all stay busy and in good spirits. Me threatening to assign the boys to seperate rooms for the duration of the day so they don't have to look at each other and Mark and I quarreling about whether he really intended to get up and get Ray some cough medicine despite him not answering me when I asked are not how I want to spend our Christmas vacation. Even though that is exactly how we spent this morning.

Sick-lee

2010-12-21T15:16:00.002-05:00

I didn’t blog yesterday. So sue me. This blogging every day is a real challenge. I’m done kid duty around nine and then Mark and I might pick up a bit or get something done and then watch something on TV and next thing you know it’s 11 and I’m like “CRAP. I still didn’t blog.” Last night we were watching Dexter and working on Christmas cards when Lee woke up to be nursed (as he does most nights between 10 and 11) and because he’s been sick I couldn’t put him down without him fussing so I just went to sleep. Cards half done. Blog not blogged. Oh well.

Seems like Lee is endlessly sick. He’s going on antibiotics for ear infection for a third time. I think both Ray and Noah have been on antibiotics like once their whole lives. But with Lee there is always snot. The doctor says not to worry about it. That his brothers are bringing all their school germs home to him and it’s natural, not like he is abnormally sickly. At the momemt he has an ear infection and a virus causing high fevers, horrible congestion and conjuctivitis. He's so congested it's hard for him to sleep and he's even coughed until he vomited a couple of times. There are bags under his little shiny, gunky eyes. And yet with a 103 degree fever he still managed to smile for the doctor and play coy.

But damn, sleep deprivation is a killer. I’ve been up so much with Lee, he just keeps waking and fussing intermittently the night through. And then Ray shows up in the bed and I don’t even have any room. I’m starting to feel like I will never ever get a decent night’s sleep. And that doesn’t make for the most reasonable and patient mothering.
And I need serious patience. Noah is home from school for two weeks and he and Ray are CONSTANTLY at each other’s throats. Noah won’t let Ray contribute to any pretend play without telling him he’s doing it wrong. If Noah isn’t giving Ray his utmost attention then Ray will do things to bother Noah. Ray gets angry and Noah gets whiny and they are making me NUTS. I need to buy a damn sibling book – preferably one that comes with ear plugs.
There. I blogged. Thrilling, ain’t it?

Besties

2010-12-19T22:25:00.001-05:00

Noah and Ray have a really great corp group of neighborhood friends built up from playgroup and the local playgrounds. But because of the way the Philadelphia school system is and everyone scrambling to come up with their own plan for where to send their kid, none of Noah’s original neighborhood friends go to school with him. And therefore I try to make regular playdates and meetups with his old friends, and their parents who are also my friends, so that we stay close. Tomorrow we are having a kids Christmas party for his friends from the ‘hood. There will be Christmas crafts and a potluck dinner. Not including wee Lee there will be 13 kids here. Of those kids eight of them are school age – 2 are home schooled and the others go to five different schools. Two families have moved but seven remain here in the neighborhood.

As we age and lives take different paths we lose so many people who were once important and hopefully we gain new ones. I don’t see anyone now that I went to kindergarten with, of course we moved around quite a bit until I was in Junior High. But so far I’ve worked hard to keep all the very closest to Noah still close to him. I’ll be so sad for him when people that he really loves move away or drift apart. Every day I think how grateful I would be if my friend Janette returned from Maine and my sister Elisha moved north from Florida. I have holes in my life where they should be. Sure these days we have Facebook, blogging, tweeting, texting, photos and phone all at our fingertips as means to keep in touch. But when YOUR people, the people who you wouldn’t mind if they casually dropped by on a daily basis because you are so at home with them near, when they aren’t close it stinks.
Maia, Victor and Ella are Noah’s best bestest friends. I wonder if he’ll know them in 20 years. I guess it’s silly to hope so, but I’m awfully silly.

Yawn.

2010-12-18T22:12:00.002-05:00

Ray had his Christmas show today. He stood on stage and sang "Santa Claus is coming to town" and remembered to do all the little choreographed motions. Didn't look nervous at all. SO CUTE. And I bought some raffle tickets, one of which was called and I picked out a ridiculous moving set of Santa bears that hold candles - all because I knew the boys would adore their ridiculously tacky goodness. But now I have to live with them FOREVER.

My Mom came in on the train this morning to go to Ray's show after driving in to see Noah's show on Thursday. That's some good grandmom-ing. We are very lucky.

I had very little sleep, the conclusion of a sleepover, Ray's show which was long warm and crowded, and cookie day at Mom's house. To say I am exhausted is to put it mildly. Sleep little blog, I'll be back tomorrow. With a tree!

Beds

2010-12-17T23:19:00.004-05:00

I have no ideas for blogging tonight. And I am tired. I asked Mark what to blog about and he told me to blog about carpooling or bake sales. Whoopie! That's some exciting stuff right there. Just call me betty freakin crocker.

I should go to bed immediately. But I have a glass of wine and some potato chips and a netbook instead. Upstairs there are 5 children sleeping. At least 2 of whom are loaners and at least two of whom are sick, one mine and one not. Gabriel, Noah's best friend at school is the only boy in his class he had gone to school with previously. And Gabriel's little sister Maddie is in Ray's class at Bridesburg Rec. The two of them are sleeping over so their parents could go to a work Christmas party. Sadly both Maddie and Ray are under the weather, Miss Maddie more than Ray. I am just praying everyone sleeps until 5. Maddie is in Ray's bed, Noah and Gabe are sleeping together in Noah's bed, Ray is in my bed and Lee is in the crib next to my bed. Mark will be sleeping on the futon in the office and hopefully I'm not up with the infant and the preschoolers in the middle of the night.

If I could reverse one decision in my whole life it would probably be the decision to upgrade only to a Queen bed and not to a California King. Wouldn't life be grand if we could effortlessly fit everyone in one bed? Poor Mark. He's usually the one squeezed out. Of course he also gets to SLEEP.

Damn. Poor Maddie is coughing so much. I best try to get some rest. Fingers crossed that this isn't the longest night ever.

Edited to add: Between sickies and baby I got four inconsecutive hours of sleep. It's going to be a very long, very busy day.

Limelight.

2010-12-16T23:18:00.002-05:00

Noah is a showman. Ninety percent of his playtime is him putting on shows - dancing, singing, acting, tumbling, making music, doing magic tricks, telling jokes. Performing is who he is and who he has always been.

At Bridesburg Rec, Noah's first school they had a Christmas show in which he had to get on a stage and sing a couple of Christmas songs with his class. He was SO excited to be on the stage, to practice on the stage, to be in front of an audience. But both times he got up there he froze. Staring out at the audience in awe, not remembering the words or the motions.

He was excited for last years YCCA Christmas show, so excited to PERFORM. But that night he was just disappointed. They sat in a circle in the middle of the room and sang. There was no stage and therefore it was obviously not a show. He wanted to know when they were going to do it for real. But at graduation they had a big show. They sang like 8 songs - in the front of the room with assigned seats. This was more like it. And this time he didn't freeze. He knew all the songs, all the motions. I could HEAR him singing above the group. He was SO excited to be there and I cried.

Today Frankford Friends had their Winter concert. He hadn't told us anything about it. He practiced his songs in secret. And there he was again - doing the moves, singing loudly, beaming.

Not surprisingly Noah has always loved to see shows. Music, dance, plays, magic shows. And so does Ray, though he loves performing a bit less as he has to suffer Noah's directing. A couple of weeks ago we went to see The Rock School's version of The Nutcracker. We see The Nutcracker every year but this is the first ballet school version we saw. And now Noah is talking about taking ballet so he can be famous. I asked if he really wanted to do ballet or he just wanted to perform. He said perform, and then admitted he'd much prefer dancing to something much faster.

Noah is taking African drumming now. And he loves it. He's such a great student. But he's not a behind the drum kind of guy. I see many MANY acting, music and dance classes in his future. It's his spark.

Mailer demon

2010-12-15T22:25:00.000-05:00

I’m a somewhat creative person who doesn’t get a lot of time for creative things. I think that’s why I obsess about things like our Christmas card. Every year, months in advance I come up with a tag line for the card and then I photograph, design it and order it. And then I wait anxiously to receive them and even more anxiously for people to tell me what they thought . It’s the same for the boys birth announcements. When we were seriously considering Reed as a name for Lee I already planned on dressing him in a multitude of stripes on a striped background and using “Reed between the lines.” The cards are almost always based on puns or a plays on words. The last couple of cards have been based on Christmas songs, the first of which was the “Joyful and Triumphant” card with Ray as a clown and Noah as a knight – my personal favorite. But how am I going to keep it up? What if one year I can’t come up with anything? Or worse – I do a card and it’s just BAD.

Why do I do it? I kind of think of myself as a PR person for the kids. Cousins who see the boys once a year instantly remark on the Christmas cards or the birth announcements. They make them more memorable, create an instant bond in a way. I like that. And in a silly way it’s like my art and I want people to see it. Do I have your address?

goddamn it

2010-12-14T21:41:00.002-05:00

It ain't easy coming up with something to write every day. And it isn't easy to make time for it. And I just wrote a whole post and the computer ate it. And I don't have it in me to write it again today.

So hmmm... Almost done Christmas shopping. Need to start wrapping. Next two weeks are filled to the brim with holiday activities which are awesome and daunting.

Glad we are healthy and all alive and enjoying each other, most of the time. Could do with a wee bit more sleep and a wee bit less yelling - from myself, Mark and the boys. And... that's all I got for now. You sure missed a hell of post. And by you I mean Mark. Hi Mark. I think part of the reason I stopped putting in the effort to blog was the feeling that the only person reading it was my husband and he has to listen to my crap all day anyway.

Her doors are French so perhaps I should call her Antoinette

2010-12-13T22:53:00.004-05:00

In April a very important new addition was made to our family. One I appreciate and fawn over almost daily. And it's my adoration of her that makes me feel thoroughly old and domesticated but with an air of thankfulness. It's my new refrigerator.

When we bought our house, almost exactly 10 years ago!, we had to get a fridge as well as a washer and dryer. And our tactic was to buy not the cheapest model but the second to the cheapest - because why would you need anything more. We were childless and things like big fridgest weren't a priority to us. But recently, three boys later, I found myself daydreaming about a new refrigerator. One with a freezer on the bottom - that you could open the french doors and SEE all your food. ALL of it. Dream big.

So I started pricing fridges. I found out that the almond color of our oven was soon to be discontinued in appliances and therefore it might be difficult to find in a fridge if I wanted to keep them matching. Nowadays its all white and chrome. But there in the aisles of the Sears Outlet at Franklin Mills I found a gigantic almond french door Kenmore Trio Elite. And it was seriously marked down since it was scratch and dent. Amazingly I didn't buy it immediately, I tend to be very spur of the moment when I find what I want with a deal. But I waited a few days, did some more comparisons and finally pulled the trigger.

And almost every day I have a wave of love pour over me for that fridge. It's just so amazing to see all the food in there without having to sit on the floor. I don't consider myself a materialistic person but a nice big fridge seems like a necessity for a woman who feeds four men. I often think of how much teen boys eat and ponder where I am going to put the chest freezer, which is funny since I don't really like to keep anything frozen aside from waffles and ice cream.

Feeding people is a constant script in my head. What we should be eating and how I can keep the kids eating healthy and interesting diets is a major part of my job. I swear I buy groceries every other day. Keeping us in fresh fruit is a full time job in and of itself. And so my greatest ally in keeping these boys fed is my pretty new fridge. If only she were self cleaning. And she did some meal planning. And she could keep Ray in his damn seat to eat a freakin meal.

2010-12-12T21:03:00.003-05:00

We always get our tree late in December because trees don't last long when you can't remember to water them. But the kids have been itching to decorate so yesterday I pulled up the Christmas decorations from the basement. We have a little fake tree for their room which they love and were anxious to decorate but sadly I don't have that many decorations for the home. I'm not a holiday decorator by nature. However I try to pick up a few things every year - a singing tree, a Santa cookie jar, some snowmen statuettes. But the big hit at our house is the nutcrackers. We have a few different sizes and designs from each Christmas. Problem is they don't really decorate anything as they instantly become a beloved play thing. Sparked by their imaginations, the singing tree and seeing The Nutcracker ballet every year - the boys are far too busy staging dramatic productions to let them sit on a shelf and look festive.

After today's ornate mouse king battle scene I remembered that I had loaded a video on youtube of Noah and the nutcrackers a few years back. And there was Noah, approximately the age Ray is now, and Ray, almost the age Lee is now. And I was teary eyed. I can hardly remember tiny little Noah and his squeaky voice. But there he is asking me to babysit his nutcrackers for him while he goes out to buy them more nuts. God. Time is going so fast. And I should take more video.

Here is my sweet 3 year old Noah.

YOU face backward.

2010-12-11T22:15:00.003-05:00

When Noah was an infant he HATED the car. At the time I thought part of the issue was that he wasn't in the car that often. I was home with him and when we went out we'd walk or take mass transportation or it'd be just a short trip in the car. And so he wasn't getting use to it.

But Lee HATES the car. And not because he has not gotten use to it. This poor boy is in the car SO much. I car pool for Noah's school so I only make 5 of the 10 trips per week - but it's still about 25 minutes with pickup and waitingand then the same back. And then there is Ray's school 2 days a week where we drop him off and have to pick him up in 2 and a half hours. And then Ray's tumbling class, not to mention the regular errands that just need to get done. So Lee is just riding around in the damn van all the time. So he is use to it, no question. Use to hating it. He starts to cry as soon as I set him in the seat. Noah and Ray and the car pool passengers can usually distract him for awhile but soon enough he'll be lik "Oh yeah... this sucks."

Ray wasn't car keen either and I have come to think that it's partially car sickness to blame as it seemed to get better with the older boys when they turned one and I turned their seat forward facing. I have been anxious to turn Lee's seat around as a result. Last month the pediatrician told me that they now recommend seats remain rear facing until the age of two. I pretty much told her "Um... Yeah. That isn't going to happen. His legs barely fit now." At which point she told me they were designing new car seats to accomodate that issue and that research proves that we'd all be better off in a crash if we were rear facing. At a future checkup I am totally expecting her to say "Research now says children are 305 percent less likely to have a car fatality if they never ride in a car so we are suggesting you stop driving."

Some general Lee

2010-12-10T23:16:00.003-05:00

Our wee Lee is nine and a half months old. And he is fast becoming a person. It's so amazing to watch a being go from a sweet helpless, cuddly lump to an individual with wants, needs and a voice. Here are some of the details.

Lee seems a bit fearless. So many of the loud noises that would startle or frighten an infant don't phase him a bit. In fact the more hub bub the more interest. It may come from being born into a maelstrom of other boy activity but I also think it may be who he is.

Noah and Ray were always a bit shy with strangers. At the moment I can't say the same for Lee. It seems at times he's ready to sell us all away for the smile and recognition of a checkout girl. Many a stranger has accused him of being a flirt.

If Master Lee is feeling a bit cranky, or I need a distraction I ask Noah and Ray to put on a show. Usually some singing and clapping will do the trick. But honestly I think he loves watching them do anything.

He's in a pretty strong seperation anxiety phase at the moment. What strikes me odd is that sometimes I can leave the room and he's fine, but if he hears my voice in the distance or I come back in he starts crying hysterically. As if to say "I didn't know you were gone but now I realize I was in grave peril." The worst is if I then walk out of eye sight a second time. Forget breathing - there is too much to cry about.

Much like Ray did at an early age, Lee has tired of spoon feeding. He wants finger food all the way. And because I am no longer a timid mother of one I will feed the boy almost anything. Is he choking? No bother. I just shove my fingers in there thoughtlessly and swipe it out. He loves noodles, black beans and pieces of grape. But his favorite is chomping on an everything bagel. Well, aside from ice cream. He'll even let you feed him with a spoon if it's ice cream.

Without a doubt Lee's favorite place in the whole world is the bath tub. He could sit in there an hour. Moving things around in the water. Flapping his arms and splashing. He never wants to get out.

Lee is getting verbally expressive. Making different distinct noises for frustration, want, fear, sleepy and happy. And if you take something away from him you'll hear anger. Real hard.

He' really starting to get around. He can pull up and sit himself down. He can crawl and cruise around. He's really starting to get into stuff. And he's super interested in jamming things in his mouth unlike his brothers, which is great in a house with a million chokables. He plays with toys - paging through books, rolling balls, stacking and knocking over blocks. It's amazing stuff. Even the third time around.

He still wakes up a few times a night to nurse. After I go to bed the next time he wakes I just keep him there. I love a cuddly baby in the bed. This is only a problem when Ray joins us and then I'm squished and I can't get back to sleep. I often wish we just had all our mattresses on the floor of one room - like that crazy family I once saw on Wife Swap. Of course their kids were teens.

In short, Lee is awesome. And now I must get to bed and prepare for my next cuddling. Plus that boy almost always wakes up for the morning between five and six. Peace out. Zzzzz.

More you say? Sure.

2010-12-09T11:01:00.003-05:00

I have three kids. That's alot to some people. I often go out and people say "You have three boys? God bless you!" As if I'm suffering some sort of ailment and need a savior. Some folks look at me completely awestruck when I admit I might like to have one more. (Have I mentioned I overshare?)

I guess a former incarnation of myself thought three was alot of kids. I remember thinking "What in hell is she thinking?" when I heard my step sister was pregnant with a third. At the time I was befuddled by just one - and I still think that's the hardest. When it was just Noah I had only him to care for and so I was hyper focused on everthing - what should I be doing with him, what milestone should he be hitting, was this decision the best decision, what does the baby book say? Three makes me just sort of go with the flow. Well, as much as I am able.

Not only do I have three kids but I often have others. I'm constantly asking other parents to drop their kids off with us. I get alot of wide eyed befuddlement. Especially from people with just one kid. "But you have THREE. Already. How could you possibly want to care for my kid too? Clearly I can't leave him with an insane woman." But loaner kids are awesome! They come in and entertain my kids. When Noah and Ray have friends over they know they can't watch TV or play on the computer. It's PLAYTIME. And the two of them get along ALOT better when there are other kids here. They are too busy to just pick fights with one another. And too busy to be hanging on me asking me to entertain them. Sure the place is a wreck after a playdate but how is that any different than normal? And it's a very small price to pay for a moment to sit in the kitchen drinking tea in silence while little feet scamper playfully over head.

I overshare.

2010-12-08T23:17:00.004-05:00

I am an over sharer. If something is going on with me, anything is going on with me, everyone will know it. And not just because I talk to much, I tweet too much and I status update too much. You can just tell by looking at me if something isn't quite right. I'm not an actor and I'm horrible at subtle.

I constantly have things happen to me and I think to myself "I shouldn't tell anyone that" or "I need to keep this to myself" and it doesn't happen. I just can't.

A few times in my life I have found out that something was going on with someone I cared about and they didn't share it with me. And every time it has blown me away. Because I can't NOT share. To a very serious fault. And so I can't get my head around someone staying silent. It feels painful to think about. Like I'd get physically ill if I didn't just let it all pour out all the time.

I wish I could shut the hell up. To have some privacy. Some restraint. Some mystery. Or just let sleeping dogs lie. But I can't manage it. I guess the upswing of that is you can't accuse me of being fake. Nope. I'm real. I real chatty pain in the ass.

Rev Bev

2010-12-07T23:19:00.005-05:00

Before Mark and I got married we had a few pre-marital counseling sessions. The woman who married us wanted to know something about us before conducting our ceremony and she wanted to talk to us about marriage's challenges. Mark and I both came from broken homes and were approaching marriage with a very real sense of "We know it's hard. We mean forever and are willing to work hard for it." After talking to us about our families and our relationship Reverend Beverly had some concerns. She said that I had a very strong need to be a caretaker, a mother, and Mark had a need to be taken care of, mothered. And that while it worked great for us now that once we had children it might pose real problems. My maternal needs would be met by taking care of the kids but Mark would be left feeling neglected, with me resenting his need.

Reverend Beverly was dead on. Three hundred percent of me goes into taking care of the kids. I'm not complaining - I love it. I thrive on it. But I'm so wrapped up in it there isn't anything left for me or for Mark. And Mark works so hard at being a good husband. He wants nothing more to make me happy - to do what is necessary to make everything work. To him being a good husband makes him a good father. And he doesn't get alot back - at least not directly. I'm tough on him.I have high expectations, I'm particular about how I do things and I don't delegate well.

I am a good mom. It's who I am. I work hard at it. And I love it. But I can be a really sucky wife. I need to be better. Oddly enough I feel like I need to take more for myself in order to be a better wife. To give more to Mark. It needs work. But I meant forever and am willing to work harder at it.

Good times

2010-12-06T23:32:00.003-05:00

Tonight I went out to dinner with a group of friends. Over the years we have tried to get together on a regular basis to talk and try out new restaurants. Since Lee has been born this is only the second time we've met out. I tried to change up Lee's nap schedule so he'd take a real late nap right as I was going out, but of course that didn't work. That never works. But all was well. Mark and the boys handled Lee-Lee fine. And he didn't even cry until I came home. It's like he saw me and was like "Oh yeah! Where the hell were you?"

The hard thing about going out with friends is that it's always this small window - and we're all going around the table talking about what is new with each one of us and then the time is gone. And we're just at the tip of the iceberg. And I walk home thinking about all the stuff I wanted to hear about them and their lives and how maybe I'll hear more next time. How I wish I was less distracted. How I hope they know how much it means to me to still play a small part in their lives.

And on a very bizarre note - I'm going out tomorrow too. A very unusual double header. This time with very new friends. And all the uncertainty of getting to know new people. Of wondering what they think of me. And hoping to have a fun and comfortable good time in a very small time window. I'm nervous.

School daze

2010-12-05T20:38:00.002-05:00

In September Noah started Kindergarten at Frankford Friends. Because our neighborhood school isn't up to par with what we want for Noah, last year I embarked on the craziness of the Philadelphia school hunt. I filled out a transfer form to see if Noah could win a lottery into a better neighborhood school and after alot of research I put in applications at a few charter schools that I thought were appropriate. And we also put in an application at Frankford Friends which I had fallen in love with last year when we visited.

I had met a few neighborhood families who sent their kids to Frankford Friends and was blown away about how positively they felt about it. And when I visited it was clear why. Not only do they teach by the Friends school ideals - to stress growth in individuality, strong sense of community, and peaceful conflict resolution - but the school had such a humble, diverse and homey feel to it, which isn't how I typically feel about private schools. FF is small with class sizes around 15 or less in the higher grades and the kids of different ages work together often so all the students and families get to know each other. And because Frankford Friends is in North Philadelphia in a neighborhood that many consider dicey, it makes it a very affordable private school education, especially by Quaker school standards.

I was SO pleased when Noah loved the school as much as I did when he spent the day there. And they loved him too. And I was looking forward to becoming part of the Frankford Friends family since this time last year.

And how is it? So far it's everything I had hoped it would be. Noah feels completely at home there. He hasn't had one bad day or complaint about any teacher or student. The other families are so friendly and we're enjoying getting to know people and get involved with all the extra curricular activities. The thing that speaks volumes to me about the school is the older kids - how smart and friendly the eighth graders seem when often that isn't the case with kids that age. Frankford Friends seems to be a perfect fit for us. Of course sending three kids to private school isn't ideal and part of me feels the need to do all the lottery stuff for Ray too to see if he gets in some place that would be as good for him and free - but I don't know if such a place exists. Sure there are alot of great school options but it's so hard to consider the others when this one seems so right.

The details: Noah has art, music, library, gym, spanish, choice time, a reading partner from an older grade and a gardening partner from an older grade (in the spring they work on a school garden). His favorite day of school is Friday because they have an all school assembly where students from different grades perform or talk about what they are learning. They have recess time twice a day - and though they don't have any play equipment they do a great job of encouraging creative outdoor play. This year they have gotten enough funding to start building an additional building which will give them a bigger indoor group space, a music room and gym.

OH and since I'm on the topic of school I must mention Noah's reading. For the LONGEST time Noah was on the edge of reading. For forever he knew all his letter sounds and could sound out words but he seemed afraid to try. He was frustrated and any time we tried to read with him would end with him in a poor mood. I decided last year to let up on him since he was already ahead for his age and just hope that kindergarten would help. That what he needed was just someone else to encourage him. Well that is exactly what happened but not in the way I expected. Noah brings home a little book and when he can read it by himself and to the class he can exchange it for the next level. Well Noah and one other classmate are tearing through these books. Noah is loving the competition of it - approaching them suddenly with an "I can read" attitude that he never had before. And he wants to make sure he is keeping up with his classmates - that he and a girl in his class are ahead. In fact his teach keeps "forgetting" to give him the next book right away, but I think she is purposely trying to slow him down so the other kids don't get too far behind. So - Noah's reading. And he's so excited and proud about it. It's excellent.

Overdone?

2010-12-04T19:37:00.003-05:00

During the holiday season we have plans to see four plays and go on several Christmas-y type outings. Today Mark and myself took five kids between the ages of 8 and 9 months to see the Nutcracker ballet. It was an ambitious plan and luckily everyone was well behaved and Lee napped during the majority of the show. But it could have gone badly, very badly.

I often get carried away with the kids. If I hear of a play, a place, an experience, a class that I think they might enjoy I HAVE to take them. How could I not? They'd love it! They'd get so much from it. It would make childhood magical or expand their world. There are a few problems with this of course. 1) It gets damn costly to be buying tickets and memberships and enrolling them in classes. Especially since there are THREE of them. 2) You simply can't do everything. You can't. And sometimes I feel bad that they are missing something. Well, WE. I like to see plays and go places too. I like to be busy and explore too. I just can't sit in the house and stare at the walls all day. But we can't do everything. 3) Sometimes I might plan an activity and one of us might not be up for it. The baby is tired. Ray is a grump. Noah is whiny. Or I am exhausted. And sometimes we push through and sometimes we just give up.

But in those occasional moments when we're a bit weary and I'm muttering "What in the world was I thinking?" I have to take a deep breath and hope that the kids remember their childhood as a flurry of learning, magic and fun and not just being dragged around by their nutty mother who overextended them all and then lost of her mind.

The cray-cray of Ray Ray

2010-12-03T16:07:00.002-05:00

Ray is the most difficult to get along with among the Eggerts clan. (Well, at least the men. I fully admit to being the stubborn, moody one from whom he inherited his traits.) As of late he's been having temper fits. The most common one occurs when he's told he's had enough computer time. The kid is a natural gamer - wanting to play on his Leapster, on the netbook or on my Iphone non-stop. In a way that Noah has never been interested. Ray loves gaming so much and since I supply him with mostly educational games (okay, so Angry Birds doesn't truly teach anything but perserverence) he has also learned SO very much. His letter and number recognition and blossoming reading and math skills have much to do with the games. But when it's time for the game to end Ray nearly always loses his mind. It's like a switch is flipped and he becomes a rabid animal. This sort of reaction will sometimes come up if he is over tired and he wants me to do something that Mark is trying to help him with. He'll go ballistic insisting that Mama do the most mundane and meaningless of tasks. Later, when the dust settles and he's gone back to being verbal he seems sincerely sorry and talks about his anger as if it is truly something that overtakes him. A little Jekyll and Hyde. His madness comes on so suddenly and burns so brightly that I am occasionally overwhelmed by it. He seems at moments out of control, a bit crazy and unpredictable. I totally expect him to attend an anger management class at some point. At least one. Is 4 too early to enroll?

But Ray is also the most passionate, the most cuddly, the most gregarious and charismatic. Almost daily he will tell me apropros of nothing that he loves me. I'll be driving to pick up Noah from school and Ray speaks up suddenly from the back of the van and says "I love you, Mama." And he gives the best hugs - falling into you, squeezing and squishy.

I have said it a million times and I will say it a million more: I liked the name Ray for him because he was a summer baby and it made me think of a ray of light - and he is precisely that. So warm, so bright, sometimes a bit too intense - but you can't take your eyes off him.

The gym calls.

2010-12-02T14:06:00.003-05:00

The challenging part of having a baby for me is my complete lack of freedom. By my own nature I am very serious about attachment parenting. It is the way in which I need to raise my children, how I feel good about it. And thus prior to the age of two I have very rarely been apart from them. As a result of me being there 24-7 to care for them for the first two years, they are very attached and suffer seperation anxiety on the few occasions on which I am not with them. But Noah, now 6 years old is SO comfortable out on his own now. He adores school, doesn't fear us leaving him with friends or family and is a total social being. This happened so naturally and gradually and I really think it was ideal. And Ray is making his way too. He looks forward to school now and goes on playdates without me, even sleepovers at grandparents house without incident. Their secure attachment to me did, in my mind, give them confidence in themselves and surroundings. And well, I'm a clingy thing and that's how I've done it and have enjoyed doing it that way.

Lee however is my current 24-7 need machine. But after 9 months I am feeling the need to get some time away. I want to get a gym membership - I feel and look like hell. So I am hoping that Mark can man the helm for a few hours a week so I can get some regular air - more regularly than I have had in over 6 years. It's not going to be easy. I have a hard time stepping away. And Mark will have to endure some seperation anxiety crying - which makes me feel so bad for Lee and for Mark. But it's time. I need it. And a few hours a week shouldn't be too crazy. And not only will Lee have Mark, he'll also have Noah and Ray. So how could he possibly miss little old me?

Now to get that gym membership. I haven't worked out regularly in about 7 years!

I may be a mirage.

2010-12-01T12:32:00.002-05:00

Here's news: Three kids is busy. Real busy. Getting a moment to myself is difficult. Having the energy for a complete coherent thought in that moment is rare. So time flies by. Lee is 9 months old, cruising and creeping. I blinked and his babyhood was gone. And I didn't blog any of it. Sigh.

I've decided to blog December. Every day. We shall see.

The biggest issue these days is the quarreling between Noah and Ray. It drains me. Most days. I was raised alone by my mother so the constant sibling quarreling is mind boggling to me. Can't we all just get along? The bulk of the fighting occurs when Ray tires of doing exactly what Noah tells him to do and then all hell breaks loose. It's not physical - my boys aren't really that type. It's alot of nasty talk, whining and crying for me to intervene. It makes me want to turn the hose on them. But that would be wrong. Right?

And Lee still seems pretty easy though as he starts to get around more that will change. The older boys will have new things to whine about when Lee gets into everything. Fun times. Babyhood - how I adore it. And it's gone. Again. Where did my babies go? Who told them they could grow? Sheesh.

The holidays have snuck up on me. As do most things, honestly. I started shopping. Mostly for the kids though they don't need a thing. And still I am overdoing it. Books is my weak spot. I could buy them a million books.

Noah asked Santa for a Djembe - an African drum. He has started taking a world percussion lesson in the last month and loves it. I decided it would be perfect for his first music lesson because it has a quick payoff and it teaches the backbone of music. And as he is with all his loves he is very intense about it, I love to see that. Ray asked Santa for Moon Dough. Play Doh is still among his most favorite things to do and has been for about two years. And the idea that Moon Dough doesn't dry out seems like a dream come true. He too wants to take drumming but Noah's teacher starts at age 6. There was talk about someone else teaching a younger kids class at some point and Ray talks about that as if he starts next week. But for now he's loving his tumbling class - it incorporates gymnastics, yoga and just plain old active fun. He's really a much more physical being - a good jumper, a natural at balance, a better catch and throw. He'd be the sportsman, if I allowed such things. I best get that kid an instrument lesson QUICK before he gets his own ideas.

LEE ARTHUR EGGERTS

2010-07-03T12:39:00.001-04:00

Keeping up with blogging is a joke at this point. I rarely have personal time to urinate. But anyways.

The last month of pregnancy was LONG. And definitely my worst yet. I was tired but had no time to rest. I was crabby and short tempered and yet noone could possibly leave me alone. I was dismayed about the many feet of snow that fell and continued to fall – trapping us in the house, worrying me that my Mom wouldn’t make it to my house to watch the boys if I went into labor, and making it nearly impossible for a pregnant woman to park her van or even maneuver without constant fear of falling belly first. My blood pressure was too high again which meant I was supposed to take it easy (HA!) and that my temper was on the verge. But the worse thing was the contractions. I had them all the time. I can’t even count how many times I timed the damn things – getting closer and closer and closer until they’d suddenly fade away. And the craziest thing is that I’d never had contractions prior to labor before. With Noah and Ray I didn’t get any real contractions until my water broke. By 36 weeks I was SO DAMN READY for the baby to be born. Since Noah was born at 38 weeks and Ray at 37 weeks – I was sure the baby was due any second. Especially with all the contractions. But with all the false starts I started thinking the baby might need to fall out before I was sure it was finally time to go to the hospital.

And then there was the circus. My boys love the circus. Hell, let’s be honest – I love the circus. I know there are ethical concers about the animals but I love the big top anyway – the daring feats, the pageantry, the sounds. So much over the top childish fun. So whenever the circus comes to town we buy tickets for opening night because you can get any seat in the house at the cheapest price. When I heard the circus was coming to town at the end of February I agonized over it. My due date was March 9th but since the other boys came early the circus was smack dab in my birthing window. I decided I best not buy the tickets. Lo and behold Santa (Mark) decided to buy the tickets for opening night anyway – February 24. So the entire last month of pregnancy I kept hoping that the baby either come well before the circus so I could still attend or after – so we could take the baby too. It was literally stressing me out. The circus for Gods sake.

Very early on the morning of Tuesday, February 23 I woke up to a hugely painful contraction. But nothing after. This after another night of counting contractions all night. I was getting really, really pissed. That morning the contractions started up again. I had a OB appt and decided that hopefully she’d get down to the bottom of it. Ray had an art class that morning. I contracted through the whole damn class and had I not had the OB appt I would have gone to the hospital then. So I get to my appt and tell the receptionists that I have been having contractions 6 minutes apart all morning. And they were like “OH!” and acted as if this might get me speedy service. Not so. AN HOUR LATER – I finally see my OB. She tells me that it isn’t GO time until they are 4 minutes apart for several hours. Remember –this timing thing is news to me as my prior births both started with water breaks and I was told to come to the hospital STAT. She literally chuckles at me and says she knows I’m having a hard time of it and that next week they will induce me if I prefer. And I’m like “NEXT WEEK?” while I stab her in the throat. Mind you I am only 38 weeks pregnant.
Within an hour of leaving her office they are 4 minutes apart. And stay that way for a few hours. I call Mark and my Mom and say I think this may be it but who am I to say at this point. Mom makes plans to come straight from work. After she gets here I decide there is no way I am going to the hospital before watching LOST. So we leave home after 10 and go to the hospital. And ya know what – it’s true. The baby is coming. Finally.

And this is where it all gets very boring. I don’t have much to report about the actual birth of Lee Arthur Eggerts. It was fairly easy peasy. I took the pitocin and the epidural when offered because I’d learned my lessons the first and second time. I warned the nurse that a full bladder had prevented me from fully dilating the first two times and that I’d like her to please keep on top of that. The first time she drained my bladder there was no change and she probably thought me daft. But then she was about to change shift at 7 am and I asked that she please do it before she left – and whaddya know! – she emptied my bladder and hot damn if the baby wasn’t about to fall out. Then there was a flurry of activity to get the doctor – she came in, suited up, I pushed twice, for about a minute and a half and there he was. Our little Lee. Wednesday, February 24 at 7:33 am at 8 lbs 3 oz and 20.75 inches. And I was instantly in love.

I heart babies. My babies. I'm addicted to them. And given unlimited funds and possibly a bit more youth I’d have many more. And all that yummy baby goodness does wonders to wash away the horrid horribleness of that last month of pregnancy. The month of pregnancy that had me going “Thank God this is the last time.” And then Lee is born, I hold him in my arms and instantly think “I need to do this again.”

The most noteworthy thing about the hospital experience was that Noah and Ray were not allowed into the hospital. As a holdover from the swine flu hysteria children under the age of 16 were not allowed to visit. So on the day they came to the hospital my Mom held little Lee while I went downstairs to visit with the boys. And then my Mom, her husband Larry, and my Dad took the boys out to eat while my father-in-law and his wife visited. I fell asleep before they left. My Dad came back to see me and Lee in the evening while Mark and my Mom took the boys to the circus – YES! Lee was born on the day of the circus! Tricky thing. And after Dad left I didn’t see anyone but Lee for a day and a half. We had another snow storm so noone came to visit me in the hospital. And the nurses knew this was my third and he was nursing like a champ so they barely checked on me. I got a little lonely but I had a great chance to bond with Lee. I just stared at him and slept, stared at him and slept.

The next day Mark left Noah and Ray to play at a neighbors while he came to pick me and Lee up. We got home and got settled and then Mark went to retrieve the boys and give them their first introduction to there brother. There was lots of cooing and sweetness. But even more than that the boys were so happy to have me home, but not as happy as I was to see them. I am so rarely away from the kids that it seems insanity when I am.

So life as a family of five is chaos. Lovely, fantastic chaos. And adding Lee to our family hasn’t been that much of a change at all. He sleeps pretty well at night so I never felt overly sleep deprived and now we just tote him along with all our comings and goings. When I need time to concentrate on Lee the boys keep each other busy, often with quarreling and mutual aggravation, but busy none the less. Of course I don’t have free time EVER, but other than that three is doable for me. So much so that my assertion that Lee was totally going to be my last is wavering, as you can tell. Sadly I don’t think Mark feels the same. Who knows – once Lee starts moving around it may be I won’t feel the same.

And the boys have adjusted really well. Ray went through some extra clinginess which resulted in his occasionally ending up in our bed but he’s mostly come out of that. And Noah is fantastic with Lee. He downright adores him. I definitely wasn’t expecting that considering he often still seems on the fence about Ray.

After the birth of Lee there was MASTITIS. It surprised the hell out of me when my nipples were chewed to bloody pulps, I got a horrible infection and had a fever for days that went as high as 104. Lee and I languished in bed for days recuperating while Mark had to tend to the big boys. And ME – I’m a nursing champ. How could it happen? I called a friend of a friend who was a La Leche Leader and she reminded me that you can’t nurse a newborn like a 2 year old. They need positioning and firm hold – you can’t just throw them on the boppy pillow, attach them to the breast and go about using both hands for other things. And then I called a Lactation Consultant for a home visit (my first time ever) and she was so incredibly helpful. She helped me start from scratch trying to retrain Lee who was a particularly chompy beast. Also I found out flow was an issue. I was damn near drowning the kid in milk and he was chugging ferociously to keep up. But the good news is that even though my breasts were ripe to feed vampires with the amount of bleeding I was doing and I hurt so much that I cried while nursing – I was still feeding Lee well. The LC marveled at how much weight he’d been gaining. SO nursing is hard. Few people will really tell you that because they don’t want to discourage people from doing it because it is also so fantastic for so many reasons. But it can be hard. There can be a lot of super suckiness in the beginning, even when you are a veteran. I could talk for days about nursing but noone wants to read that, or probably what I already wrote.

And Lee! Well he’s already over 4 months old and I’m just getting around to writing all this down and designing his birth announcement. He appears to have Noah’s features and Ray’s coloring. His birth weight was between that of slender Noah and chubby Ray but he is the longest one yet. He’s flipping over, trying to crawl and gurgling a blue streak. And he’s so smiley and charming when he’s not sleep deprived. Poor guy is often prevented from having proper naps because of our schedules. But he is a fool for attention – as all three of them are. No mellow babies here.

There is SO much more to stay. And all of this needs editing and fleshing out but if I don’t throw this on blogger now I’ll never post it.

That's good stuff

2010-04-23T08:25:00.001-04:00

Lee is alot more content and comfortable now that he has started on Zantac for his acid reflux.

Really, we had another one.

2010-04-14T19:35:00.001-04:00

Lee is 7 weeks old today. And I still haven't written his birth story. Just no time. Sigh. But babies - I love babies. And Lee is scrumptious. More than a bit fussy, but lovely just the same. Did you realize if 2 needy, anxious people mate they create more needy, anxious people? Third borns should not cry everytime they are put down to feed the others - but Lee didnt get that memo. He wants constant affection. And I have plenty of love but not near enough arms.

Warm weather is awesome

2010-04-14T19:26:00.001-04:00

Spring is truly a rebirth. We've been spendind most afternoons in the park t is lovely. The big boys are awesome. Ray is so funny and talkative. He wants to tell strangers that the Muse video he saw on youtube has giant evil teddy bears in it. And he's sad when they arent't listening or don't understand why he's talking about teddy bears apropos of nothing. Noah is out of the very trying phase he was in briefly, knock wood, and often doesn't raise a fuss when I expect him to. I'm all braced for the whining and he replies simply "Got it!" And he's really taken with Lee - wanting to hold and carry him, singing him songs when he's crying.
Time is passing and the kids are growing. I wish I had some time to document it all but I can barely keep up.

Eyes! He has some.

2010-03-03T08:27:00.000-05:00

We so rarely see them open.

Day 2

2010-03-02T15:37:00.000-05:00

I love this picture of Lee's long gangly legs and big funny feet. He was the longest of all three Eggerts boys and in the middle for weight.
His hair is not as strawberry as Ray's or as dark as Noah's - he looks to be quite blonde. And his eyes are undecipherable - at the moment almost a steely grey.
He was a natural nurser - the hospital instantly gave him a 9 for latch and the lactation consultant said he'd obviously read the book. He seems pretty low key - just staring off quite contently when he has a rare moment of wakefulness between eating and sleeping.

He's quite sleepy.

2010-03-02T15:27:00.000-05:00

Really have no idea what it will be like to have three active kids because at the moment Lee is very cuddly, hungry luggage.

Lee Arthur Eggerts

2010-03-02T15:25:00.000-05:00

At 6 days old. I plan to write his birth story at some point.

Fancy Pants

2010-01-14T23:07:00.001-05:00

Ray is wearing big boy underpants! On Thursday he pulled the package of underwear he had received in his Christmas stocking out of his dresser drawer and commenced with a fashion show. He was clearly enchanted with them. So much so that he refused to put a diaper and pajamas on for bed. I had to wait to change him after he fell asleep. So the next morning - underwear it was. And he's totally committed, even morally opposed to wearing Pullups to bed. He's doing amazingly well. I'm always worried about a setback but in this case Ray's stubborn nature is a positive. He decided he is a big boy and no longer wears diapers and so it was.
Along with the bother of having a kid pee every 25 minutes I also get the humor. Like his newfound fascination with his penis. He converses with it. And his love of the idea that when he flushes his poop and pee goes to a party. He wishes them well on their adventures.
And then there is that cute little underwear butt!

Most wonderful time of the year

2010-01-05T22:36:00.002-05:00

I’m 31 weeks pregnant. Damn pregnancy is long. Aside from my legs feeling they might detach from my body much in the way a Barbie would snap apart if you and a friend each grabbed a leg and yanked – I’m doing well. Getting tired. Nap-needing tired with no sign of naps in sight. But luckily on Noah’s school days I can indulge Ray with a little extra TV time while I kind of doze off here and there.

Christmas was a whirlwind. We had some really wonderful times. The kids were totally caught up in the mystery and the magic of the holiday. We got to spend a lot of time with our families which is what the holidays mean most to me. The absolute high point was a surprise visit from my sister Elisha, her husband and son. She showed up at my Dad’s place on Christmas Day and almost sent me into labor. I believe I screamed insanely before breaking into soundless sobs. It could have been a coffee commercial where it not for my unbecoming cry face. There was also many tears at the low point of our holiday – my Dad had a very surprising and scary but also thankfully small stroke. He’s doing very well with hardly a repercussion other than a new mandate to live more heart healthy - quit smoking and reduce the salt and cholesterol. So far he seems to be doing well but it’s not at all a slight or easy change for him to make so we’re all just keeping our fingers crossed. I never want to get that phone call again.

What did the kids get? An insane amount of stuff despite my pleas that everyone, including myself keep it simple. From Santa Ray got Playdoh, costumes, a wooden barn and a sandwich making kit and Noah got his electric drum pad, a video camera, and a skeleton modeling kit. We got both boys books – as is my custom that clothes and books are from parents and toys from Santa. Ray got a few “touchy” books – these are his favorites. He particularly loves the Matthew Fleet books. Noah got the first three Lightning Thief books and the first set of Peter and the Starcatchers series. He loves the high intrigue chapter books before bedtime. From family the kids got a wooden kitchen, a new mattress (N’s was nearly 20 years old and apparently like sleeping on cardboard), all manner of blocks, matchbox, crafts, games, and clothes. I need to buy more shelving to accommodate all this stuff. I should really open up a daycare up in here. Of course they also got the much appreciated gift cards, cash and checks for memberships, plays and college.

Field trips of note around the holidays include our traditional Black Friday trek to Dickens Village and the light show, a trip to see the Christmas display at Longwood Gardens, the Pennsylvania Ballet’s Nutcracker, the Comcast Center’s 3D show and The Arden Theater’s Peter Pan. The days surrounding Christmas were filled with our normal busy runaround to spend time with family. The only departure was that rather than cook Christmas Eve dinner for my Mom, her husband and my in-laws I decided rather smartly that I was too pregnant and tired for all that standing and stress and suggested we go out. After making reservations at three places I settled on The Plough & The Stars and everyone really loved it. The meal was great and it was all Christmasy up in there to set just the right tone. I might even consider doing that again next year – of course then there will be a 10 month old and those are rarely fun in restaurants. Oh and there was SNOW! Monstrous amounts of snow right before Christmas that delighted the children but pissed me off because it cancelled Ray’s school Christmas show and our traditional cookie day at Mom’s place. Damn snow. Ray was crushed though when it melted all away. He can’t wait for the next blizzard.

And Master Ray? He is a delight. At least that’s what I think. Despite the occasional angry, stubborn outburst that makes Mark say that he is uncontrollable and me to say "That's TWO" and "Well he is clearly a Maersch" – I find Ray to be totally intoxicating. He is just so full of joy and spirit. He is vibrant. And TALKATIVE! My lord that kid will chatter your ears clean off. He likes to tell you what’s going on and what he’s done and tell you he knows that song or he’s seen that guy, that guy wearing a green hat, and he’s got a green hat. All of which has Noah saying through gritted teeth “I KNOW Ray.” Ray has stopped nursing and is sleeping in a big boy bed in a room with his brother. The transition went really well and he even did great the first and only time Mark put him to bed while I was out. I think he will do better with transitions with the baby because he’s got Noah. Boy he LOVES Noah. He just adores him though he often gets a lot of shit back. He misses Noah when he’s gone and he wants him with him if there is a choice. That’s not to say that he doesn’t occasionally get into a fight with Noah – they fight. Quite a bit. This is typically because Noah wants Ray to do something that Ray doesn’t want to do or because Noah is unhappy with the way Ray is doing what Noah told him to do. And sometimes it’s just because one of them is grumpy and decides to make the other miserable for no discernible reason but that they can. But I guess this is what siblings are like. Mark and I are often at a loss about this as he has no siblings and I never lived with any of my half or step siblings. So when they fight we’re bashing our heads against the walls in confusion saying “Why can’t we all just get along?”

Noah is growing. My God. He really is such a boy now. There is no baby left. He’s so damn tall and still shooting up. He’s been on this voracious eating growth spurt like nothing I’ve ever seen before. And he’s insanely emotional – part of this is the age but part of it is jealousy of Ray (everyone is always just oohing and aahing over him) and possibly fear of a new sibling, though he’s never said anything negative about the coming of the baby. In fact he is still rallying for another one after this one – preferably through adoption so he can be sure it’s a girl. But at the moment Noah is a study in contradictions because in the outside world he is SO well behaved. People marvel at how smart, how calm, how wonderful he is. And he is all those things. But he’s also been driving Mark and I insane because at home he can be SO disrespectful, and so ridiculously over emotional and easily frustrated – in ways that are so unlike him. I’m actually feeling a bit panicked about it and will probably buy another damn parenting book so I can feel like I’m doing something and have a coping technique. One second I’m just outraged at the way he’s talking to me and convinced I’ve done something horribly wrong to bring it about and the next I’m practically weeping for him while holding him as he tells me how hard it is to be a big boy, and how he can’t stop being upset, that he can’t control his emotions. I feel like he may be sharing my pregnancy hormones. But he’s still just an amazing child – just so ridiculously smart and eager to learn. He loves writing. I let him write approximations of words without correcting him and he just loves to write. He’s still got a hang up about reading that I fear occurred because I was initially correcting him too much, but that will come soon enough and flow naturally with the writing. We got the great news that he was accepted into Frankford Friends for next year. Though I do hold out a hope for a free school option I know Frankford Friends really is the ideal place for him. The small class size, the arts, the modesty and spirit of the place. It really is a fabulous fit, for him, and for us and we are thrilled.

Mark’s back to making music in the basement. He normally takes February to do that but with the baby most likely expected at the end of the month I told him January was better. So I’ve been trying to make extra alone time for him to work on that. It isn’t easy especially since I’m not exactly energetic.

And me? I’m really excited for this baby. There are some concerns about big changes but by the third time I know things will all eventually shift and fall into place and we won’t even remember what it was like with just two. I am excited to meet yet another love of my life. Someone who isn’t the dazzling Noah or vibrant Ray but a fantastic life all unto his own. I’m also sad that this is my last child. Part of me knows that when this baby turns three and there isn’t another one on the horizon I will be crushed. I so much love the first three years! But four kids seems a bit unwieldy even for me – to do the things with the kids that I want to do, that I love to do – the outings, the plays, the classes, the travel. So this is the last one. I might even miss pregnancy. HA! Now isn’t that ridiculous.

Cha-cha-cha-changes!

2009-12-01T19:29:00.000-05:00

Last week I stopped nursing Ray. He only nursed at bedtime and not every night. I was always amazed there was any milk for him when he requested it. But last Wednesday he asked for milk, after 3 nights without and I told him it was all gone. He's taken it harder than I expected - saying "I am so sad," "I am so mad," and "But milk was my favorite." But then he goes to sleep. On Saturday he moves frm the crib at our bedside to the twin with bed rail in Noah's room. He seems excited though I know it's going to be tough to get them to sleep at same time. But the biggest hurdle is having anyone aside from me put him to sleep. I'm expecting many unhappy evenings for Mark in the near future - and Noah's cooperation though unlikely will be key. But it's time to get project BABY COMING under way. I'm 26 weeks today and times a-tickin.

Guaty Tweets

2009-11-19T20:03:00.002-05:00

I wanted to post my tweets from Guatemala. There wasn't a whole lot of them as texting cost me $.50 a pop. But I did it to keep some folks in formed of our fun and our safety and so I'd have another thing to remember the trip by. I put them in chronological order.

Yawn. Airport security is stressful. Are we there yet? 2:29 AM Nov 11th

Nearly missed our connection in Atlanta. Still trying to catch breath. YOU try getting thru terminal A to E, pregnant w 2 kids in NO TIME. 6:40 AM Nov 11th

In Guatemala City. Embarking on a 4 hr van ride. 11:27 AM Nov 11th

The van ride seemed death defying. Hairpin curves on mountainsides with no rails. But also mind blowing with culture and sights. 3:25 PM Nov 11th

We are checked into Posado Santiago. Roughing it wee bit more than expected. But incredibly charming. Look forward to dinner & bed. So tired 3:27 PM Nov 11th

N is totally cool with being on vacation. On an adventure. Ray is sad. He misses home and is having difficulties adjusting. 5:39 AM Nov 12th

Our cottage is sparse. Beds, a bathroom, a roof. No dressers to unpack - which makes Mark uneasy. Not lot of warm water. But very cute. 5:41 AM Nov 12th

Cant get online but texts seem to work. Soon we meet Dermot 4 breakfast. We may cross lake to see his village after. Weather is beautiful. 5:44 AM Nov 12th

Dermot's house is unbelievably amazing. This is what retirement should be. FANTASTIC. 9:38 AM Nov 12th

Boys enjoyed an afternoon swim in the lakeside pool. 3:08 PM Nov 12th

"Eat. Please eat? Will you freakin eat? It's eggs, french toast and fruit. There is NO reason not to eat! You are both killing me!" 7:04 AM Nov 13th

Took a tuk tuk into Santiago village. Had claustrophobic moment in the market, saw the church, the dock & having lunch in El Pescador. 9:58 AM Nov 13th

Adorable peddling children are heartbreaking but reality. Makes N's whining about climbing hills ridiculous. He is oblivious to the lessons 10:02 AM Nov 13th

Being an obvious "other" is always daunting. But worth it to see the world. The boys got alot of smiles from local women and children. 10:06 AM Nov 13th

Inevitably feel like on Amazing Race. Couldnt find entrance to a restaurant last night. Walking & bickering. "YOU do the damn Road Block!" 5:00 AM Nov 14th

Taking lancha (boat) to San Pedro. It's the more bohemian backpacker
touristy village. Will walk around and have lunch. 8:09 AM Nov 14th

Get in disagreements w Mark cuz he wants to walk everywhere w/o clear idea of where going and then we end up on death marches, carrying kids 11:58 AM Nov 14th

But tho I come up w crazy ideas to go on adventures, he does the research, handles the money, makes bulk decisions, even tackles language. 12:00 PM Nov 14th

How is it only 3:30? No wonder we've all been in bed by 8 every night and up at 6. 1:39 PM Nov 14th

N has some water in his ear. Patrice, Janette, Tracey, Katy, Julie - how do I get it out? 1:43 PM Nov 14th

Gotten accustomed to waking up to wide variety of wierd bird sounds. What are they talking about at crack of dawn? "How did you sleep?" 4:59 AM Nov 15th

Sad 2 leave Posada Santiago but excited 2 get 2 Nature Reserve in Panajachel. Wish bags would float there. Even packing "light" was 2 much. 7:31 AM Nov 15th

Mayan custom 2 carry things on head. Chuckled about woman chatting on street w backpack sitting atop her head. "Yer doin it wrong." 7:35 AM Nov 15th

Made it to nature reserve with little fan fare. Boys think bamboo room with bunk bed is super cool. Having lunch then hunting for monkeys. 10:37 AM Nov 15th

Aside from not having heartiest appetites boys have been really good about eating every meal in restaurants. Thanks markers & stickers. 3:29 PM Nov 15th

In Panajachel eating at a restaurant called Paris Paris. Oddly there is nothing Parisian about it besides the Eiffel tower on the menu. 3:31 PM Nov 15th

At Circus Bar so Mark can have beer & boys & I can have a banana split. Then back to room & in bed by 8, as usual. Wont see Pana's nightlife 4:31 PM Nov 15th

Up, up, up & away from Lake Atitlan. Van ride slightly less hair raising than way in. Though turns & exhaust still = car sick. 11:32 AM Nov 16th

Hotel Aurora in Antigua is beautiful. Big center courtyard with fountain. Classic dark wood carved furniture. Pretty flowered tiled floors. 1:58 PM Nov 16th

Also on main street & quite noisy. All 3 our hotels have been so different but each cool in their own way. In Antigua 2 nights. Then home. 2:00 PM Nov 16th

The only thing English I found on the TV was first Harry Potter. Now we can't pry Noah away from the TV. He is totally hooked. 2:42 PM Nov 16th

The Guatemalans LOVE Ray. Possibly just the age but probably his coloring has something to do w it. Tales of El Rojo will travel far & wide. 6:55 AM Nov 17th

Crazy. Strangers even rub his head. And everyone asks his name. 7:02 AM Nov 17th

Boys call the religious sculptures we see "friends." They want 2 shake hands & hug them. Me "Do not touch these friends. Just talk 2 them." 8:03 AM Nov 17th

For boys most interesting part of church & convent ruins are skeletons. We leave 1 crypt & all they want 2 know is where r next skeletons. 8:08 AM Nov 17th

Guatemala needs more benches. Possibly people r2 hardworking & busy to sit. I however have a hurty pelvis. It's hard work bein 6mos pregnant 8:52 AM Nov 17th

Antigua is for eating. Would love to have 4 days to just eat, drink & hang out here. W/o kids. @JanetteFertig would love it. 10:41 AM Nov 17th

Explored 2 religious ruins & colonial home. Had big Guatemalan lunch & shopped for souvenirs. Time for cake & cafe on the center square. 12:50 PM Nov 17th

Just witnessed local funeral procession out windows of hotel. Large, ornate casket w statue of Jesus carried down st w full band playing. 2:06 PM Nov 17th

N & R saw procession. I tastelessly took photos. It was Ray who cried cuz wanted 2c more. N is right now drawing volcano picture 3:43 PM Nov 17th

Our last night in Guatemala. Even the boys are sad to leave. Another lovely meal, ice cream and bed. And then a grueling day of travel. 5:57 PM Nov 17th

Mark took the boys out while I packed bags. Now sitting in hotel courtyard, listening to the fountain, enjoying sun & breeze. Breathing. 7:23 AM Nov 18th

My belly feels like it doesnt fit in my skin today. 7:53 AM Nov 18th

Have I mentioned I hate airports? So F-ing stressful. 9:49 AM Nov 18th

Adios Guatemala! Up, up and away into the wide, blue yonder. Atlanta, here we come. 12:07 PM Nov 18th from txt

Guatemala in a nutshell

2009-11-19T19:02:00.002-05:00

We planned a challenging vacation. Challenging because I’m six months pregnant. Challenging because we were traveling with two small children. Challenging because we didn’t speak the language and were going to be obvious outsiders. And challenging because we really wanted to see a different world, different people, lives disparate from our own. And I thought that by the end of the week we’d be relieved to be home. But we weren’t. We were all very sad to leave Guatemala.

Our trip started out in the small lakeside village of Santiago Atitlan. A culture still dominated by Mayan Indian tradition and language. The people live far more modestly than we do in the United States. And though we stayed in a little cottage in a hotel owned by an American couple with an approachable international menu, we also went into town on tuk tuks for a few meals and market day. We had the wonderful experience of having Dermot, my childhood friend’s father, bring us across Lake Atitlan in his motor boat and show us the village he lived in – one even smaller and meager than Santiago. He lives in a beautiful two story, gated home with amazing gardens and breathtaking views but the 600 locals who reside in Jaibalito live in cement block homes with metal roofing. On another day we took a local boat to San Pedro to see another lakeside village, one that’s noted to have sprung up with a distinct new agey aspect and far more travelers and expat residents. After four days staying at Posada Santiago we moved on to Panjachel – the largest and most touristy of the lakeside village. The main streets are lined with restaurants and shops, with a far more international vibe and much less of the feel for Mayan tradition. We stayed in a Nature Reserve – hand fed monkeys, traversed trails and suspension bridges and spent the night in a very cool eco hut made of rock and bamboo. From there we moved on to the stunning colonial city of Antiqua. An UNESCO world heritage site whose array of cultures and businesses didn’t feel too dissimilar to Soho. The architecture and ruins, and the Spanish history put me in mind of Puerto Rico’s Old San Juan, where I have long wanted to visit. Our hotel, Hotel Aurora, had a stunning central courtyard garden and fountain and our room was furnished beautifully – our first with a television.

And before we knew it we had to come home. It’s too early to say exactly what highlights of the trip will stick with the boys. Childish things of course – the monkeys, the pool, nature trails, the interest in Maximon – a cigarette smoking, liquor swilling saint the Guatemalans hold dear. I know Mark really loved taking boats across the lake, walking along the streets, the history. For me it’s always the glimpse into the other that I find most striking. Seeing sights you could not really imagine, the lives of people you never could have glimpsed had you not left home. A way to reexamine all that you know and hold dear.

I could go on about this trip at length. And part of me misses the journal writing me that would have kept detailed notes and had all the details for posterity. But I’ve got some tweets and some photos and hopefully glimmers of a trip that will last me a lifetime.

I’m posting 200 photos on Snapfish and linking to them on Facebook. I plan on captioning them so they make sense to someone other than us.

With the baby on the way it’s at least another 3 years until we can attempt another ambitious trip. But I look forward to our next adventure. Noah says he wants to go to Mexico. Hopefully by then he’ll know some Spanish and can help us out.

My three sons

2009-10-24T20:46:00.002-04:00

A photo at 20 weeks.
It's a triple! Relieved to be able to reuse the ridiculous amounts of clothes I have stored away. And honestly a bit relieved to not be raising a girl in the city. My teen years were spent living in the woods with the only boy nearby being my gay friend David. There wasn't much opportunity for getting into trouble before I could drive. These days the 14 year olds seem far too advanced and far too often with the 17 year old boys or worse. Just thinking about it makes me shiver. But boys definitely seem the easier route to me.
It's funny. I'd always assumed I'd have girls. I babysat all girls and I took care of my baby sisters. And Mark always assumed we'd have girls too. And when I found out Noah was a boy I was honestly a bit disappointed. The biggest issue with me being my hatred of sports and the perception of boys being so much more rough and tumble. But then there was Noah - and he's not very rough and tumble. Or very interested in sports. And he just felt right. He is right. He's my Noah. And when I was pregnant with Ray I thought it would be nice to have a girl just because it was the other option and I'm one for balance but when I found it he was a boy too I thought that just felt right. And he is. He's a bit more tumble but not rough. And he's my Ray. And now boy number three - and it's right. But who will he be? I'm excited to find out.

Surviving in a world of no naps.

2009-10-19T20:41:00.001-04:00

I’ll just start in as if no time has passed.

I’m 20 weeks pregnant today! That’s halfway. I’d say time flies but sometimes pregnancy seems relentless and long. And how goes pregnancy? Is it different this time around? YES! Very different. With both boys I had a voracious appetite – this time I’m squeamish often and occasionally not too keen on eating. This is probably why I gained 70 lbs when pregnant with Noah, 40 lbs while pregnant with Ray, and thus far 9 lbs halfway into this pregnant. This is a very good thing as I was hanging on to 10 souvenir lbs from Noah and 10 more from Ray. Also our Guatemala trip would seem really daunting if I was ballooning up. Don’t get me wrong – I look pregnant. Super pregnant. My body took to a third pregnancy instantly and I felt like I was showing in a matter of weeks. But luckily most of the weight is belly. Other differences – horribly painful and unsightly varicose veins that have my right leg looking like a road map, an irritating and large rash under my right breast that is constantly fighting with my underwire bras, and ridiculous acne like none I’ve ever had before. On the plus side my energy level is pretty good considering I’m chasing around 2 boys most hours. Neither one naps any longer so there is no rest for me either. I’m occasionally in bed before 10 but for the most part I’m holding it together. I’ve also welcomed back acid reflux and hip joint pain, it’s like they never left.

So – pregnancy very different. As a result I kind of think I’m having a girl. Everyone still rooting for a girl, except for me. I’m just staring at bins and bins of boy clothes in the basement muttering to myself “I don’t want any more STUFF.” We have our 20 wk ultrasound on Friday and are eager for the big reveal.

And what of Master Noah? He adores his school. There were no issues adjusting to three 6 hour days. He is making friends and learning tons. His school focuses on arts and he’s loving learning about musical notes, doing yoga, painting and drawing every day. They also do a lot of imaginative play time too. And now I’m on the research hunt for Kindergarten. I have to do school visits and interviews and paperwork. Our neighborhood school is most likely not sufficient for him so we have to see if we can transfer him to another public neighborhood school, get him in a public charter school or commit to paying for a private school. It’s stressing me out to say the least and I SO look forward to the decision being made and settled, of course that may not happen for certain for 10 months. He’s had another couple of days of atypical rudeness and defiance lately and I’m hoping it’s just another passing phase. It seems to happen every couple of months and then just goes away, thankfully.

I wish I could say that Ray was loving school. It’s been several weeks of struggling with his fear of school. He cries while getting ready and at drop off. It’s taking him awhile to get adjusted – but I think he’s finally coming around as the last two times I picked him up he said he had fun and gushed about all the things he did. He’s in a very clingy stage – partially brought on by school and probably also having to do with my pregnancy. He takes a tumbling class now – one in which I participate with him – and though every other kid in his class allows the teacher to help them with the trick of the day, he won’t allow anyone but me to help him. He wants me to do everything for him, even complaining if Mark tries to change his diaper, and sometimes he doesn’t even want to let me shower. I really don’t mind clingy much, I like being needed. But with only 20 weeks until a newborn I’m a bit stressed out about his need to transition to sleeping in a room with Noah, with Mark able to put him to sleep and do bath without screams of agony. But that aside – I can’t say enough wonderful things about Ray. This really is my favorite age. He’s just so joyous, loving and fun. I am really enjoying having quality time with him while Noah is at school.

What else has been up? We’ve been insanely busy, but that seems usual for us. Family visits, shopping, library visits, field trips, fall frolicking. It keeps us very busy. And on days with no plans I go a little crazy.

I’ve also been co-teaching a science and nature discovery playgroup for kids Noah’s age. We meet weekly and read a picture book on a topic like gravity, shadows, the senses, the chemistry of cooking – and then do a relevant experiment. It’s been a bit of work but also a lot of fun. Nice to do a little something extra outside of just Mom-ing. And both boys seem to be getting something out of it.

Guatemala! It’s 3 and a half weeks away. We have a few more plans to cobble into place. We are very excited. I’m a bit disappointed that I’ve not had much time to work on my Spanish but I’m sure we will be fine as both hotels we are staying in are run by English speakers. The big challenge is going to be the first day of travel – it will consist of 2 three hour flights and a 3 hour shuttle ride – and with waiting I anticipate it to be a 12 hour slog of a day starting at 4 am. But if we survive that day we will be golden. On second thought the packing may be the hardest. I hate packing – especially under size and weight constraints. But it’s going to be an adventure of a lifetime.

Oh Noah’s fifth birthday is 2 weeks away. We’re having his party at a farm with a hayride and whatnot. It should be fun if the weather isn’t frigid and rainy. Five. I can’t believe it. I keep worrying that he is going to stop being fun. But it’s still so fun to share new things with him – David Bowie, Where the Wild Things Are, books like Hugo Cabret, shows by Cirque du Soleil. He seems so inspired by everything. That sort of childlike awe and appreciation of things new is part of what makes being with the kids so awesome for me. I hope that the eagerness to discover new things in art, in people, in the world is something I can instill in them for life.

Hear ye, hear ye - we've got news.

2009-08-25T19:25:00.002-04:00

As all of you have probably heard from word of mouth and various social medias, I am 12 weeks pregnant with number 3. We are thrilled. This will most likely be our last child, though I would totally consider a fourth I think it’d be pushing Mark’s limits of reason, and so I’m already thinking sadly of “my last pregnancy,” “my last baby” and how all very bittersweet each stage is going to be. I’m due March 9th but since the boys were born 2 and 3 weeks early I’ll be surprised to make it past the end of February.

The majority has spoken, meaning everyone but me, and they want a baby girl. I’m a bit worried about having a little girl – I’m not all that girly and also quite cautious about societal expectations of beauty and femininity, especially the way young girls are sexed up from such an early age – plus I have a basement full of boy clothes I’d love to put to use again. But on the other hand I’d like Mark to have the “Daddy’s Little Girl” experience and the boys are rallying hard for a “sister baby.” And in the end we get what we get and will adore him/her.

I’m feeling as well as could be expected. Luckily I’m not a puker. I get nauseated frequently, I’m sometimes put off by certain foods and I’m tired, especially mid-afternoon. But mostly I am doing very well.

The other big news? We are going to Guatemala for a week in November. Yes, I’ll be 6 months pregnant. No we haven’t been before. So why Guatemala? A few reasons. A close friend since childhood recommended it last winter. His father went to visit and loved it so much he bought a house on Lake Atitlan. My friend explained how amazing and inexpensive it was and how much I would love it. And as soon as I looked at pictures of Lake Atitlan I was sold. I would be going. The question was when. Once I had Guatemala on the brain I remembered that a neighbor had adopted her daughter from Guatemala so I sent her an email requesting information on her experience. She said “GO!” She sent me hotel recommendations for Atitlan and the city of Antigua, she was incredibly encouraging. I was so fired up about it Mark bought me a guide book. But then I got worried. Worried about not knowing enough Spanish. About it being a stressful trip to take with the kids, especially when all trips were stressful with 2 small kids. And so we set the idea aside and ended up in Williamsburg, VA.

But talk of a vacation arose again after we got pregnant. We want to take a last vacation as a foursome. There were little plans like the Poconos (not enough) and big plans like a resort in the Bahamas (easy but insanely expensive and not really who we are.) And then I picked up my Guatemala travel book again. And I read this:

“Traveling with Children
It can be exceptionally rewarding to travel with children in Guatemala. Most locals have children at an early age, and as families are much larger than in the West, your kids will always have some company. By bringing your children along to Guatemala, you’ll take a big step toward dismantling the culture barrier, plus families can expect an extra warm welcome. Hotels, well used to putting up big Guatemalan families, are usually extremely accommodating.”

That sold me. I started looking at airfare again and when I found our flights for $1000 less than the last time I looked, I snapped them up. And did I mention that it is extremely inexpensive to stay and eat in Guatemala? And so we are able to take a BIG vacation without spending BIG bucks. And we're now studying travel Spanish.

So Guatemala! Everyone has their worries and words of caution. As do we. Though I want to be a carefree world traveler I’ve always been far too cautious to go anywhere without a lot of study and consideration. We are doing our research and making sure we make the right choices for our family. We will spend most of our time enjoying the scenery and quiet of Lake Atitlan – an incredibly lake surrounded by 3 volcanoes. It’s not the right trip for treks to Mayan ruins and tours of the rain forest. We’ll spend 2 days doing light sightseeing in the city of Antigua, described as the most beautiful and well preserved colonial cities in our hemisphere. And we’re going to places that our friends have enjoyed and recommend heartily.

When we went to Morocco for our honeymoon, a Muslim country in 2002, we got a lot of grimaces from friends and family. And though the reading we did put our mind at ease and excited us for an other-worldly vacation, we still had our own concerns that we had to repeatedly reassure. Fears of being treated badly because we were American, and concerns about illness. But of course our trip was fantastic. It was one of those life and personality defining moments. And that is the main reason for Guatemala – we want our kids to be excited by the world, the differences in people, cultures, religions, foods. We want them to want to see everything and meet everyone. To hunger for new experiences and new understanding. And that starts with us. And it starts now.

It won’t be an easy trip. Our first day will probably be 12 hours of travel starting at 4am - a taxi, 2 flights, a 3 hour shuttle ride, and a 45 minute boat ride before arriving at our hotel. And then there is the management of wee people. That’s always the hard no matter what the locale. But when we get back – we will have been to Guatemala! Wait til you see the pictures!

School daze

2009-08-12T21:55:00.000-04:00

This week the whole family went to an open house at Noah's new school. To bring you up to date: because of his November birthdate Noah does not start Kindergarten until next year, in Philadelphia Kindergarten is a mandatory fulltime program, up until this summer Noah went to school only for two 3 hour days a week. For the upcoming year we decided way back in December that we were going to send him to Young Children's Center for the Arts for three 6 hour days starting this Fall. This seemed to me a great interim step before a fulltime kindergarten program for next year and I have known people to rave about their program which is small and private with daily music and art as well as weekly dance and yoga. Noah will have a friend and neighbor in his class who we will be splitting carpool duties. The cost is a helluva lot more than the $60 a month we were paying, and will be coming out of savings but we feel it is a necessity for his happiness and growth. This week was the first time Noah saw the school. He also got to spend some quality time with his new teacher. And now he is absolutely breathless with anticipation. He is counting down days til he starts - 26 as of this moment.
Ray also enjoyed the open house. They had a teacher to play with kids in an adjoining room with a closed door and I wasn't quite sure if Ray would stay with me or not, but he happily went next door to play for an hour and a half - when most of the other small kids came back to their parents. This is a huge relief for me as Ray is so start the 2 year old program at Noah's old school in September. He'll be going to two 2 hour days and I am now pretty confident that he is ready and will enjoy it.
The result of the new school schedule will result in some quality time for me and Ray, 2 hours a week to grocery shop ALONE, and 2 hours for just Noah and I. Course it also means less time for just making plans to spend time with friends, hang at museums, to just enjoy my kids with less structured lives - but I guess this is the way it goes. I'm sure I will come up with something else to distract me. Ahem.

On the stoop

2009-08-09T21:36:00.000-04:00

Ray and Noah sit on the front steps with their friend Miss Maia.

Not that ya asked.

2009-08-09T21:14:00.003-04:00

Hot damn! Time is flying by. Buckle up and watch me repeat the same damn stuff AGAIN.

Ray turned 2! We had a little party at the house with family and a few of our closest friends. It had a fish theme since Ray’s been enjoying the Aquarium so much. The decorations, cake and gift bags were fishy. I even had out a tray of assorted Goldfish crackers. And of course we had to make a disc. For Noah’s birthdays every year we have made a disc of some of his favorite songs of the year but we can’t really do that for Ray too as there would be far too much overlap. But I like the tradition of the discs and friends seem to enjoy getting them as favors so I decided to extend the theme to the disc and therefore we had a “Sea” themed selection of songs. Ray’s favorites are “Rock The Boat” and “Under The Boardwalk” while I tend to favor “Ocean Size,” “I Come From the Water” and “Barracuda.” And of course my Mom can’t be topped so she got the boys two goldfish for Ray’s birthday including a whole aquarium, filter, food, stones and décor. I was sure they’d be dead within a week but they are still going strong and still holding the kids interest.

Ray LOVED his party. For Noah’s first two birthday parties I wasn’t’ too sure he could enjoy that the parties were for him and not be too overwhelmed by all the people. But Ray KNEW the party was for him and he was loving it. He loved the cake, the balloons, and all his friends and family being here. It’s a month later and he’s still talking about it.

And Ray talks about everything. EVERYTHING! Ray is talking in full sentences and will comment on anything. He also loves to repeat himself and ask questions. People think I am exaggerating until they spend enough time for his reserve to melt away – and then they are like MY GOD! And I can’t adequately express how funny and sweet and adorable he is right now. He’s so joyous and courteous and thoughtful. He astounds me. I want to keep him like this forever.

He’s also gotten a lot better recently with me going out for a few hours. The date nights when we take the boys to my friends Wendy’s house and the girls nights when I meet friends for dinner for a few hours once a month have paid off. Now I can tell him I’m going out to dinner and I will be home soon and he says “Have fun, Mama!” I do believe he will be equipped to tackle his two hours, twice a week school days that start in September with very little transition.

Ray is also sleeping like a champ at night. He rarely wakes up during the night these days. He’s still in his crib by our bed but in the coming months we plan to move him to a twin bed in Noah’s room. We’ll then move a bunch of the toy shelves in Noah’s room into the room we had been calling Ray’s room. So far Noah is on board with this plan, I hope that doesn’t change. Of course the biggest hurdle is getting Ray to go to sleep without nursing at night. Very often this is the only time he nurses all day. Well, that is when he doesn’t nap which is all too frequently. I can’t believe he’s about to drop his nap. (Weeping.) But he really only seems to be at a sleep deficit without it every three days – and it is so much harder to get him to bed at night on days when he has one. I fear napping will soon go the way of the dinosaur.

Noah is a giant among four year olds. He’s so long and lean, and with my Mom’s dark skin. He’s a tan string bean. And the boy has become a social butterfly. I would never have predicted this from the boy who hung at my knee for every play group for a year. But there he is – just running off to play with neighborhood kids he knows marginally. He seems so confident right now. I know he’s actually excited to start going to more school in September.

He does seem to be going through an emotional phase. One in which a mere shift in his plan can result in hardcore defeated sadness. Like one second he’s having a great time and all smiles and then an unforeseen dilemma arises and he falls into a puddle of ick. But aside from the occasional emotional outburst he remains a really good kid at heart. I get a frustrated with him on a daily basis when he and his brother squabble over every little thing from which lunch plate they get to who gets to turn on the TV, and I expect him to let up a bit since he's not the two year old, but then I remind myself that this is what siblings do. They fight. They compete. And when it comes down to it he really is a good big brother, with the occasional foible.

He remains ever faithful to his spy fixation. I forsee a lifetime of this and a diehard Bond fan in the making. I’m thrilled that he really loves books. Mark reads chapter books with him every night while I am putting Ray to sleep. And not just preschool stuff. I’m really amazed at how he listens to Peter Pan & Wendy with such rapt attention when some of the subject matter and language is so adult. But he loves it. Sadly his own reading has still not progressed. He got frustrated that it wasn’t effortless to learn and now when you even ask him to sound out a word he refuses to try. And yet he keeps telling me he wants to learn. This week I got him some new workbooks and hopefully a new approach will work.

We went to the beach with my Mom, her husband and his kids and grandkids in July. We could not have asked for a nicer week. The weather was near perfect and the kids all got along so well. Noah and his step-cousin Chase were inseparable. Both boys continued to love the water and Noah learned to boogie board. Of course the biggest part of the week to them was the amusement piers. My boys are ride obsessed. Even Ray, who has gotten motion sickness on a few rides and therefore will only ride the most timid ones, is still obsessing about the roller coasters. As always it’s all about recreation at our house so there was been all manner of roller coaster constructions to act out a zillion rides. The boys are asking to go back to the boardwalk regularly. We’ll probably take another day trip before the summer ends.

And that’s all the boring, catch up type stuff I have for the moment. Trying to remember important things once a month bites. I really need to get back to doing this more often or at least keep better notes so the posts aren’t so scattered and boring. Coulda, woulda, shoulda. I have been reading a lot more lately - really happy about that. And…. fade to grey.

I said AT the table

2009-07-08T11:55:00.000-04:00

Noah went to his first day of camp today. He'll be there playing on the playground, dancing in the sprinklers, drawing and making friends for FOUR WHOLE HOURS! That is the longest he has ever been to school. I even packed his lunch. He is more ready than I. His only anxiety was about how to get open the Gladware containers I put his lunch in. That was really stressing him out. We had to practice. But Ray was the most upset by todays events. He wanted to "come too" and when we left he cried "I want Noah!" As the first born Noah recognizes the beauty of having complete parental attention without sharing. But Ray doesn't. Being with Noah is more fun than without. I once read that the first child is born into a world of adults while all subsequent children are born into a world of childhood. It is so true and realy must shape how they see the world. I think about that almost daily as I watch Ray follow Noah around, so enamoured by his big brother. I am so thankful to be able to witness it.

"He is a talking machine" sayeth the older one.

2009-06-24T21:45:00.002-04:00

I never thought another child could rival Noah’s talkativeness. At home he’s always chattering away – narrating some sort of story or show, asking deep questions or requesting a snack, a playmate, or just an ear to chatter at. However I do believe that Ray will be definitely as chatty if not more. The kid is completely conversational already. He understands what you are saying and he isn’t afraid to repeat ANYTHING. Sure sometimes even I have to take a second to figure out what the hell that was, but for the most part he’s pretty damn understandable. And he talks incessantly. At the moment is favorite word is “NOW.” As in “Go downstairs now,” “I want juice now,” “Watch TV now,” and “Outside to park now.” You get the general idea, that is if you magnify it to one hundred and don’t forget the vehemence. Ray turns two in less than a month. He remains true to his name, a ray of sunshine – warm, ebullient, vital and yet hot. I know - I've echoed that statement a million times. That is part of why I rarely blog anymore - I feel like I don't have a damn original thought in my head. One thing that has to be noted is how much he adores his brother. In the morning he’s typically up well before Noah and when we first hear Noah stir and about to come downstairs Ray lights up with pure joy. The other week I took Ray to a music performance while a friend took Noah on a different outing. I was sure Ray would have a blast because at the last one he and Noah danced up a storm. But this time there was no dancing. In fact he was down right mopey. I asked him why he wasn’t dancing and he said “Oah.” I said “You miss Noah?” And he said yes. And he would not dance. Shortly after the performance stopped Noah showed up and Ray said “Dance! Dance now!” Ray also loves my friend Janette’s one year old named Rendle. And by loves I mean also sort of hates. Ren has to endure Ray constantly taking things away from him and even yelling “mine!” if he looks in the direction of Ray while he is playing with something. And to make it more intriguing Rendle seems to enjoy screwing with Ray. He taunts him – showing him he has something with a big grin on his face or pointing at Ray’s dinner like he’s about to come over and take it from him. The two of them are hysterical. They are constantly squabbling. But when Ren isn’t here Ray says “Wish baby Ren Ren here.” Mark supposes he likes to have someone younger that he can assert his dominance over.

I wish I could say that Noah was just as effusive about his love for his brother – he isn’t. In fact he loves Baby Rendle too and tells me he wants me to have a little baby that he can play with because apparently Ray doesn’t fit the bill. Noah isn’t mean to Ray, in fact he’s never been an aggressive boy so we’ve never had to deal with much physical lashing out. But Noah is less patient with Ray than he is any other human being in the whole world. I wish so much that he was just a bit more affectionate to Ray. The only time he seems to dote on him is when he knows we are watching and is trying to win points. I hope he grows to appreciate him more. They have been getting better playing with each other but inevitably a dispute occurs. Ray is touching something Noah doesn’t want him to or Ray is angry because Noah won’t share something with him. The refereeing drives me a bit mad. If I need the two of them to agree on one thing like a TV show to watch they always want something different but if I have two different things to give out they both pick the same damn one. Gah! And of course the biggest dispute is over “My Mama TOO!” I guess that is what fulltime sibling relationships are like – having only ever had half and step siblings that I saw some of the time it wasn’t quite so damn competitive.

In other things Noah is fantastic. He really is growing up so much. He’s getting so smart and so tall. And I can hardly believe sometimes how incredibly social my once shy little boy has become. The boy I took to playgroup every week for a year and watched the other kids play while clinging to my leg – he’s now a frolicking chattery 4 year old who wants to run off with friends and not have me bother him. He’s seriously missing school – as am I. It’s hard work being Julie the cruise director every day of the damn week. Even those two three hour days were a day where the social agenda was just “SCHOOL DAY.” Now he wants a major outing or a playdate every damn day and if I dare to tell him it’s a quiet day on which we need to do errands he lambasts me about how “BORING” it is going to be. He starts a month long rec center summer program on July 7 with two of his best friends and we are both very excited for it.

Noah’s fascinations haven’t changed – it’s still all music, spies and circus around here. I guess a new development has been movies. Noah’s first theater film was Wall-E and since then he saw Desperaux, Disney’s Earth and Up. He adored them all. And we also didn’t watch much in the way of movies at home up until the last couple of months. And now we’ve been taking out movie after movie from the library. I still have to be a might careful about things that may be scary as he did not enjoy Nemo because it was too fast paced with fishes constantly on the brink of death. But oddly enough he isn’t scared by books. He’s been really enjoying the Spiderwick Chronicles series which is all scary mythical beasts, evil spells and parental abductions. Somehow that stuff doesn’t phase him. When he talks about being scared of a monster it is still of the Mouse King from the Nutcracker Ballet.

We are keeping ever busy here as usual, the Master demands it. Monday we went to Ocean City for the Day. Tuesday we went to Smith House and Franklin Square. Today we went to a local playground and library. Tomorrow we go out to breakfast and then to Sesame Place. Friday we go swimming at Grandma’s. Saturday we go see Nana and Pop Pop but have to hurry home in time to see the fireworks from our hood. And Sunday isn’t planned YET. And then 4th of July hoopla, followed by Ray’s birthday party, and then a week at Ocean City beach with my Mom. Fast forward to August. Or hell – Noah’s high school graduation is damn near around the corner. Maybe sometime between now and then I’ll get around to mopping the damn kitchen floor.

It's marriage. And it's hard.

2009-06-11T21:50:00.001-04:00

One night last week after all the kids were in bed my friend Janette was sitting on the couch next to me and she said she’d be happy to move if I wanted to cuddle up to Mark. Both Mark and I chuckled awkwardly and Mark said that he could hardly believe that there were times before we had kids that he secretly wished I’d give him a tiny bit more personal space and stop fawning over him every second. Of course nowadays he’s lucky to get a quick hug and a peck.

Confession: I am not good at balancing my roles as wife and mother. I’m a much better mother than I am a wife. There is a lot of talk about how doing things for ones self and ones marriage is of incredibly importance for the adults and the children and I understand that. Unfortunately that isn’t who I am. Motherhood consumes me. It is ALL of me. And I don’t know how to do it any other way. It is how I mother – naturally.

Reverend Beverly married Mark and I. She was recommended by a close friend of mine because she was incredibly open minded and yet not just a phone it in celebrant to lead the ceremony. I’m not conventionally religious and I wanted to make sure that our ceremony had a message but that it wasn’t specific to one God. Rev Bev said she would be happy to talk about LOVE rather than A God and that pleased me. But before she could do the ceremony we had to have 2 premarital sessions with her to talk about our families, our relationship and our marriage. I am a true believer in counseling and so we were happy to go. After hearing our family histories and the intricate details of who we were apart and who we were together she told us something that I think about regularly. She said that we were a pretty codependent couple. That Mark very much wanted mothering and I very much needed to mother and it worked perfectly for us, for the time being. But that there would come a time in the future when we had a family and Mark would be frustrated that he wasn’t getting the attention and mothering he once had and I would resent his neediness when I had others for whom I needed to care. Needless to say Rev Bev hit the nail on the head. This is exactly where we’ve been since the kids have been born.

Our message to Reverend Beverly during those counseling sessions were that we had both come from broken homes and had seen more than our fair share of failed marriages. We understood that marriage was WORK. And we were willing to work. For us. For the family that we wanted to have. For forever.

Luckily at the heart of our marriage we like each other. We have similar interests, similar politics, similar passions, and the same vision for our future. We share our goals and work towards them.

I love my crazy all consuming motherhood. I fear my children growing up and not needing me. The thought of it just makes m want to have more and more, a steady stream of cuddly wee ones. However I do look forward to a time when Mark and I get to really reconnect. When I can focus more on Mark – on doing things for him and getting to know him even better. And until then I just hope he hangs in there and waits for me. That though he may be feeling a bit jilted at the attention he no longer gets that he respects how I am mothering and why I am like this.

This weekend Mark is going to his 20th high school reunion alone. I still can’t be away from Ray overnight. Crazy? Maybe. But it’s me. I struggled with just leaving him with the in-laws and knowing he’d survive but I know myself and I know I’d be too consumed by it that I’d be a horrible date. And I want Mark to have a good time – so he’s going stag. I hope he’ll have fun. But I trust that it won’t be TOO much fun. And maybe he’ll miss me? A bit.

Elisha's Perfect Drug

2009-05-21T20:57:00.001-04:00

My sister has yelled at me for not blogging. She is compelling me to blog, as if my silly drivel were her addiction. Yes ma'am. Only problem is that at the moment I can’t think of squat. Well, other than the fact that my sister Elisha and her beautiful son Hunter better be coming to visit me in August or I’m going to raise hell.

And YES I use beautiful for little boys. Little boys are beautiful. In my mind they are also allowed to have dolls, take dance and host tea parties. I’m wacky like that. It may be why my son would rather put on costumes and do shows and dance parties then play with matchbox cars or wrestle. But I doubt that. He likes those things because he’s rather imaginative and they are more fun. No one was ever turned gay by a tea set. And if by chance some day my boy tells me he’s gay I won’t blame it on his first baby doll. I have to admit I would cry though. Not because I think gay is wrong or that he should be ashamed. I’d be signing up for PFLAG the next damn day. But because there is so much hate for gays in the world and you don’t ever want to think of your child having to face hate. I don’t want to think about anyone’s child facing hate. And I don’t want my child harboring hate either. The human inclination to alienate the different and create an us against them mentality is so strong and disturbing. (It’s why I hate sports.) Recently I was asking him about some neighborhood kids he’d played with for the first time and he reluctantly said he didn’t like one of the boys very much. I had suspected as much and thought it was because the boy was a tad aggressive. But when I asked Noah why he told me it was because the boy’s hair was weird. I got really upset and lectured him up and down about how insignificant hair was and asking him if he thought that would be a good reason for another kid not wanting to play with him. On and on about how people are different and it is those differences that make us so special. I could see his eyes glaze over and changed the subject. But now I can’t get that out of my head – my sweet little boy didn’t like someone because of their hair. Mortifying.

Hmmm. So there. I blogged. I’m sure Elisha wanted some fun tales of crazy kid escapades. At the moment I can barely remember the day. The immediacy of Twitter is easier for me to document the little stuff. Hmmm… Today Ray started mimicking one of Noah’s favorite catch phrases - “What in the world?” Course from Ray it comes out “Waaa in Wurrrll?” It’s hysterical. As Ray often is. Both boys have been funny recently when they have been pretending to be pregnant – shoving stuffed animals up their shirts with Noah talking about his water breaking and his contractions. Noah actually has his baby and begins to care for it but Ray just wants to keep it in his shirt. Smart boy. Yesterday Noah was asking me to explain the concept of “the future” (Thankfully he’s not been watching LOST) and I was saying something coming soon like Daddy coming home for dinner could be the future or it could be farther away like when Noah has children of his own. Noah said he couldn’t have children, that was only for girls. I explained that though girls give birth to children that the Daddy’s still have children. That he and Ray are Daddy’s children. And Noah cocked his head to the size, chuckled, broke into a bemused grin and said “Oh! I never thought of it that way before.” I guess he thought Mark was just some guy who lived here.

There, Lisey, is that everything you were hoping for?

Then comes Noah in a baby carriage

2009-05-01T22:04:00.001-04:00

I met Yvonne three summers ago at a mutual neighborhood friend’s playdate. Her daughter Maia was a few months older than Noah and they were both shy of two years old. When I started taking Noah to a playgroup in Fishtown I told Yvonne how much we were enjoying it and soon she was coming with Maia. And a year later when I decided it was time to put Noah in preschool and Yvonne and I settled on the same place I was thrilled that he would have a friend in his class. And now after two years of being in the same program, numerous playdates, art groups and field trips the two are beyond inseparable. She is his best friend. And I love to watch the two of them together. They never fight. They are almost always play acting a story – if she’s leading it’s about rescuing an animal and if he’s leading it’s about being spies. They tell each other jokes, things that aren’t remotely funny, and they laugh and laugh. And then they repeat the joke 10 times. And laugh.

Today I took Ray, Noah and Maia to Member’s Preview Night at Sesame Place. The weather forecast was looking grim with showers and thunder and greyness. And I initially tried to cancel. But Noah wanted to go SO bad. Not because of him, he understood that we had memberships and he could go on another day, but today he could bring a friend and without even hesitating he said he wanted to bring Maia. So it was really about sharing Sesame Place with Maia. He’d been talking about what rides she might like to go on and planning out their trip. When he was sick earlier in the week he kept counting down until Friday, so worried his illness would prevent us from going. So I decided to suck it up and go even though it was going to rain. Hell, maybe we’d get lucky. Well it RAINED. And it POURED. But before it got so bad we had to leave they went on a couple of rides (they made Ray and I sick), saw the character parade, saw a show and tested a sprinkler area before deciding it was too cold and time to walk to the car in the pissing down rain. But what I will remember most about our trip is how Noah is with Maia. He didn’t want to do anything she didn’t. He held her hand as we walked through the park, the both of them being so well behaved and manageable. When we sat down for a snack he had a sad look on his face and I asked what was wrong and he leaned into me and whispered “It’s a secret. Maia sat on my hand.” I could tell that it really hurt but he knew it was an accident so he didn’t want to mention it and upset her. When I put them in the back of the van and started to dress them in dry clothes the two of them wrapped up so close in the towel and kept giggling about how they were stuck together. And when I finished dressing Ray and they were next Noah told me Maia was the guest so she should be able to be dressed next. When Chickfila gave us two different Happy Meal toys he let her have the good one with the promise they could play with it together when he visited next. And they jumped around, joked and laughed while we ate huddled in the minivan in the parking lot – like it was the best time ever. Noah really loves her and I don’t say that in a corny, romantic way. I say that meaning that is friendship at it’s core, at it’s simplest and best. It makes me proud that he can love like that. That he can be that thoughtful at 4.

In the Fall Maia starts full time Pre K at a Philadelphia Charter school and Noah will be going to YCCA for three 6 hour days. It makes me really sad to separate them. This summer we’ll spend lots of time with her and her family and hopefully other summers too. And after the school year starts we’ll still have occasional play dates and meet ups at the park or the museums. But they will probably never be this close again. It’s sad. Is it weird I have been thinking about this for a few weeks now? It just says so much about life – all the powerful bonds we forge with people who make real impacts on our lives and yet most fade away. Of course they’ll always have Facebook…

Can you forgive me?

2009-04-30T14:10:00.002-04:00

This is rambling, repetitive and a downright shambles but at least I blogged. I blogged, damnit.

Our vacation is history. (Pitiful pun intended.) And all in all it went remarkably well. We got a Bounce Pass that enabled us to go to Busch Gardens & Colonial Williamsburg as much as we wanted all week. We did Williamsburg 3 days, Busch Gardens 3 days and Jamestown Settlement 1 day. And yes, it was busy. We are busy vacationers. If we have a morning where we lounge around a bit before getting under way it feels like we’re wasting time. Time that could be spent having fun! Before the kids our vacations were a helluva lotta walking around, seeing and doing. Going to Paris and seeing like 5 things in a day. I remember just how sore and scarred my feet were after a day spent walking all along the Seine from Museum to Church to Garden. We can’t do it like that anymore. But we can do one thing each day, though small children are not really museum/lecture friendly. The first day we were in Williamsburg we went into a shop – the wigmakers, shoemakers, candlestick makers – and everyone was standing there quietly listening to the shopkeeper talk about the craft and colonial times and Ray started going “ROCK! ROCK! ROCK!” at the top of his lungs because he wanted to go back outside and return to playing with ye olde colonial rocks. And after a few scenes like that we realized the shops were not gonna fly. But many things did. We had such a great time in the Governor’s Palace Garden that we went two days in a row. They liked the horses, the hoop and stick, and even eating in the Colonial Tavern. And the kids loved the fife, the drums and the cannons. Ray loves to recount the cheer “Hup Hup! (hoo)Ray! Hup Hup! Ray! Hup Hup! Ray! Boom! (cannon).”

Of course nothing compared to Busch Gardens. The kids loved the rides, the water areas and the shows so much that a trip that at first included one day at the park included three. It was Ray’s first real amusement park experience and he will tell you all about it. “RAWR!” means he rode the dragons. “Boat. Wet!” is all about his experience on the log flume. “Bee!” alludes to his experience on the lady bug ride. Both Noah and Ray poured over the map of Busch Gardens almost every night talking about what rides they had been on and then they began recreating the rollercoasters as they ran around the hotel rooms. One of the standout moments for me was when I took Noah on a “4D adventure ride” called Corkscrew Hill. The attendant swore to me it was not scary but rather about ancient Ireland. We sat in movie theater seats with lap belts and 3D glasses watching a film and then the damn seats started to move. I felt ill and horrified instantly. I just kept thinking “LET IT END! LET IT END!” and I was thrilled Noah didn’t look as sick as I felt. Then they had a witch on screen Noah said he was scared and buried his head in my arm. That minute until it was over has got to be one of the longest ones in my life. And not because I felt like I was going to lose my lunch but because I was so upset he was scared and I couldn’t make it stop. Welcome to parenthood.

Noah really had a great time. He just loves to be out and learning. And Ray was such a trooper. He had one nap the entire week we were in Williamsburg and still remarkably held it together all day. Don’t get me wrong, there were plenty of tense moments. And they usually start with Mark and I deciding on what our course of action is, especially if it involves meal time. Course when it was just us it would get dicey on vacations at meal times because we were both beat and wanting the other one to make the decisions, only of course if they were the right ones. But now that we aren’t the only grumpy ones it can get ugly until we’re all fed. Plus we had a few spats because of misunderstandings. Mark is the big history buff among us. At the beginning of the week he bought a book about all the Colonial Williamsburg buildings and their histories and he read it all week. Hell, I like to take a nice informative tour but I could only read that book if a grade depended on it. And I wanted to make sure he got enough out of our vacation. But whenever I suggested I wrangle the kids while he spent more time looking at something or doing something I didn’t think the kids were able to do Mark would take it as an insult. And then he worried I wasn’t enjoying the vacation since I didn’t want to go in the museum by myself too. Yeah, so we mostly argued about whether the other one was enjoying themselves. What the hell is wrong with us? Ahhh marriage. Noone ever said it was easy.

But vacation is over. And summer is on it’s way. I decided not to sign Noah up for the summer program at the school he is attending now because they don’t let the little kids outside. Granted it’s only three hours, three days a week, and they keep the little ones in because it’s too hard to keep track of them with all the other older kids all over the area, but I wanted something different for him this year. I found a rec program where they had an enclosed area and the kids could be out on the playground equipment and even play in sprinklers. It seemed much more enjoyable for him. Problem is that the first session filled up and we only got him in for July, one week of which he will miss to go to the beach with my Mom. And now I have him all day, every day the whole rest of the summer. That is kind of panicking me because he is now so social and prefers to be with kids his own age. And it puts a huge burden on me to keep him busy and engaged all summer. So some other neighborhood moms and I are trying to come up with some sort of plan for getting the kids together regularly and doing field trips. Though worried about my sanity over the summer I do feel like I need to treasure this time on the opposite side of the spectrum because I’m already getting sad about Noah being in school three 6 hour days starting in the Fall and how we will have so much less time together. Sheesh. I can’t make up my damn mind.

I want to say so much stuff about Ray but it seems so repetitive and like I’m featuring him over Noah too much – but he’s just in this very developmentally interesting and fun stage. His current playtime mostly consists of drawing, listening to books, “choo choo trains,” making “cake” and “soup,” water play, dancing and drums. He has insane passions for… everything. That is who he is. Fiery, lively little red head that he is. Above all things though he currently adores lemonade, ice cream, chocolate (hell any “TREAT!”) bananas, chex mix and MEAT! He isn’t big on veggies sadly but he does love asparagus. He’s still nursing at sleeping times. I am often struck by the fact that at the same time of Noah’s development I would talk about whether I should be weaning him to anyone that stood still – but with Ray I don’t give a rat’s ass what anyone thinks since I know what I am doing. And THAT is the beauty of having more than one. It seems so much more relaxed now. Ray is starting to become TWO. With increased instances of him yelling “NO” and “I want! I want! I want!” He is also far more apt to take off than Noah ever was, which is so scary, but on the positive side he is also more apt to play by himself than Noah still is. Above all Ray is damn infectious – and not in a swine flu way (have to mention it by law). His smiles and laughter are life affirming. And when both him and Noah start making each other laugh I feel like my life’s purpose has been fulfilled, that there can’t be greater joy. (GAG!)

And Noah is so far from a baby. He is wise beyond his years. He is inundating us with questions about the origin of man, how Mark and I met and started liking each other, and would he watch over Ray if he died. I really do think he is perfect which I am almost ashamed to admit. My only complaint about Noah is that he often gets sad and gives up when he can’t master something right away. He’s told me he’ll have to find a wife to put his shoes on for him. Don’t even get me started on buttons and butt wiping. But as much as he grows I am very happy that he is still very cuddly and affectionate with me. When that stops it will truly break my heart.

Have I got any more blathering to do? Sure. But I will spare you. Oh except to mention that I need to get a damn piece of exercise equipment. A treadmill perhaps. Something I can use at home 40 minutes a day – and then do it. Because the dieting is not working. I diet and lose weight and then stop dieting and then binge on all the stuff I didn’t eat while dieting and it’s all back in a heartbeat. I need easy access to a minimal amount of exercise daily. It’s my only hope. And Mark’s 20th reunion is coming and I don’t want to be an embarrassment to him. I am so stressed about how I look and what I will wear and how will the kids get to bed without me that I’d rather cut off a toe than go. You see I often get sad and give up when I can’t master something right away.

Hey sunshine.

2009-04-23T23:15:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow we head outta town. I'm a bit sad but mostly exhausted. We're still debating about going back to Busch Gardens for a few hours before we hit the road. Our pass is still good and the kids have been obsessing over how much fun it was, but OH the energy it takes us old folks. And that might not be a great idea before a five hour drive and might mean more traffic. Still, the kids and their excitement! We shall see.

With a bang

2009-04-23T23:06:00.000-04:00

Our last moments at Colonial Williamsburg were fife, drum and cannon fire. Awesome.

Applause please.

2009-04-23T23:03:00.000-04:00

Give them an empty stage and they will give you a show. Ray had to be carried away crying "Show! Show!"

A-maze-ing

2009-04-23T23:01:00.000-04:00

No surprise that Noah the maziac adored the hedge maze. We did it 2 days in a row. Can you see Noah and Mark at the center looking triumphant?

Expectations

2009-04-22T20:21:00.000-04:00

The thing I always tell myself is that you can make semi-ambitious trips with kids if you focus on what they will enjoy and set your expectations low so that you are thrilled at whatever you do see. And I have constantly had to remind myself of this in the last few days. Ray is not in a stay quiet during guided tours in quiet places stage. He is in a romping, jumping, squealing stage. But he is also in a stage of wonder and obsession and finding something he is interested in is utterly magical. Though I really thought Noah would enjoy and learn alot more, I have been disappointed that he is following Ray's cues a bit. If I have to rush Ray out of some place so Mark and Noah can finish listening, Noah is fixating on where we are going without them.
But taking a cue from how much the boys enjoyed the outdoor exhibits at Jamestown Settlement, today we spent the bulk of our day romping around in the gardens in the Governor's Palace. We also enjoyed the storytime at the Folk Art museum, tours of the jail and the magazine, and some of the outdoor performances of Revolutionary City. It was a good day, a busy day. And though Mark and I might have liked to tour more houses and shops, we very much appreciate what we did get to do and especially the moments that the kids seemed to be especially enjoying himself.

Row, row, row!

2009-04-21T19:13:00.000-04:00

The boys really enjoyed the outdoor exhibits at Jamestown Settlement today. They loved running about in old boats, forts, and Indian villages. Yesterdays first trip to Colonial Williamsburg was less successful as Ray was too revved up and Noah too tired to listen to what the shopkeepers had to say. It's no surprise that 2 years old is not an ideal age for the appreciation of historical reenactments. But tomorrow we go back with more energy, new approach and new appreciation for what we do get to experience.

Slowing the pace

2009-04-20T12:17:00.000-04:00

It's a rainy morning. We're having a quiet start and Ray's getting his first nap on vacation. The older gents are taking advantage of the quiet time to do some book learnin. After lunch and Ray's respite we'll head to Colonial Williamsburg to poke about and get a handle on what we'd like to do the remainder of the week.

Show! Tricks!

2009-04-19T17:35:00.000-04:00

Milky white

2009-04-18T22:22:00.000-04:00

For some reason I have a mental block about bringing swimgear to theme parks. We avoided the watery areas until it was time to go and then left the park in various levels of undress.

Thrill rides

2009-04-18T22:19:00.000-04:00

As much as we enjoyed gawking at the coasters we stuck to the kiddie rides. It's just as well since I felt sick after riding Oscar's Wiggly Worms.

Daredevil

2009-04-18T15:06:00.000-04:00

Don't let him fool ya. He's full on dangerous.

Ye olde gift shop

2009-04-18T14:59:00.000-04:00

Just in case you need more than just the 2 corners, but less than 4.

High flyin

2009-04-18T11:43:00.000-04:00

I wish I could ride the sky ride all day. Does that make me lame?

Sunshine Days

2009-04-10T16:59:00.000-04:00

Spending every available moment outside. Nothing is quite as reenergizing as the first lovely days of Spring.

Child management in colonial times

2009-03-27T21:29:00.000-04:00

We finally have our vacation plans set. It’s not as thrilling as Guatemala (we decided to wait until we collectively know more Spanish) or fulfilling as Germany (my Oma really isn’t up to the trip) but we are still excited to go to Williamsburg, Virginia nonetheless. My Aunt got us a free week at a time share there and we can drive thus saving around $1000 in airfare. We will hit Busch Gardens, Colonial Williamsburg and Jamestown as well as some playgrounds and the pool. We won’t have been anywhere in the last 6 months so it will be nice to get away to SOME place. And we’re already prepping Noah for the trip – getting out some books on Colonial times from the library. Of course we’d be chasing Ray around in circles no matter where we go.

Noah went through a rough patch at the end of last week. He was being so moody and utterly disagreeable about everything. It was probably a result of a growth spurt of some sort – he has these grumpy patches occasionally. But Mark and I separately came to the conclusion that Ray might have something to do with it. Ray is in this insanely charming, ebullient, show-stopping phase and we are constantly having to stop ourselves from just giggling and gushing about everything he does and says. And we both felt that Ray’s cuteness was taking a toll on Noah. So as a result I am making an effort to give Noah more positive feedback and trying not to openly marvel so much about Ray. And there is a lot of positive feedback to give. Noah’s working really hard at reading and it is damn exciting. He is writing, set designing, directing and acting out his own plays. He has become this incredible social being playing with his friends and always doing such a great job of getting along with them. I am amazed how Noah and his best friend Maia seem to never quarrel – they are both so good at compromising. And he’s finally getting motivated to do some things for himself like putting on his clothes, shoes and jacket. He is growing, learning and impressing me every day.

And as I said Ray is worth gushing about but I can’t even truly communicate how fantastic he is right now. He’s learning new words and getting more and more physically active and able. And he is utterly fascinated by the world and himself. He has started to talk in the third person – constantly calling himself by name. We get a lot of “No. Ray!” to let us know he wants to do things on his own. He jumps, leaps, smiles and giggles. He is truly infectious. It’s hard to think of my favorite things because there are so many. I love how he’s trying to count but it comes out as “one… one… one” with each one said in a slightly intonation. I love how when he hears a baby cries he automatically goes “Baby…. Ahhh.” I adore the way he chimes in enthusiastically to do whatever it is Noah is doing. I am awed by his love and dedication to drawing – he’s drawing really visually interesting patterns of circles and lines. I am overwhelmed at how cuddly, affectionate and fun he is – how adventurous, independent and physical he is. He really is something right now. I want to freeze him like this forever.

I’ve been trying to lose some weight that I put on over the holidays and unhelped by my foot fracture. I lost a few pounds that have me fitting more comfortably in my pants but now my weight seems to be unchanging though I’m still being pretty damn good. It’s frustrating. I’m hoping that with the warm weather will come more regular exercise. I have been embracing every warmer day with walks to the park and treks through the zoo. I am hoping to lose some more baby fat before getting pregnant again – of course with me I can’t be sure whether pregnancy attempts will last a few months or a year. I’d ideally like to get pregnant in July but making that a plan is nearly like planning to get a big scratch off win.

At the moment I am doing a lot of back and forth about summer plans. Last year I wasn’t thrilled with the summer program at Noah’s current school. It isn’t run by the same people and it really could be a lot better, but it wasn’t bad either and the price is right. Also I have no freaking clue what I would do with him every day all day now that we rely on school a few days a week. If I put him in the summer program at least that is three days I don’t have to entertain him for three hours. But the biggest question is Ray. One of the big pluses of the summer program is that I can start Ray and he and Noah would be in the same class. I feel like this would be a great way to make his first experiences there more comfortable. However I am also like thinking how can my baby be ready for school – Noah was nearly a year older than Ray when he started. I need advice. Do you think it would be a benefit for Ray to have his brother in his class when he has his first school experiences or should I just hold off until he is scheduled to start in the two year old class in September? HELP!

Patting my own planet poisoning back

2009-03-06T14:33:00.002-05:00

My foot is finally feeling drastically better and thankfully we are back to our regularly hectic schedule of outings about town. Just the pain of the foot and the way it was limiting me was a large part of what was getting me down. I am certain the fracture at the base of my toe is fully healed but I still have some occasional discomfort in the ankle area of my foot at the site of the other fracture. Oh and still some issues with toe movement. I have a follow-up x-ray and appointment on Tuesday to come to some conclusion on full recuperation.

But anyway – we are out and about as usual. Bowling with Grandma on Saturday, Academy of Natural Sciences on Sunday, blasted snow day on Monday, Flower Show on Tuesday, and Please Touch Museum on Wednesday. Ahhh. That is the kind of busyness that I need.

I’ve been feeling a bit proud of myself lately. I feel like I have been making real progress in living a slightly greener life. I’ve drastically reduced the number of water bottles we use. I’ve switched to greener cleaning products and recycled paper towels and toiler paper. We joined the winter harvest club to get local produce during the winter and renewed our CSA registration for the warm months. And Mark is excellent at staying on top of the recycling. I understand noone is going to give me any damn medal. I still drive around town a bit too much. I still use unnecessary paper products. I don’t buy everything fair trade. And I use disposable diapers (Have to admit to world that I have no plan to change this.) But what I am proud of is that I am not only trying to be more conscious but more active. That makes me feel good. A couple of things I really want to do in the short term is buy more hand towels so I use less paper, get ready to container plant some veggies in the backyard and get a handle on composting. Any suggestions of other ways to green up that I might not be acting on?

I am thinking about food. A LOT. Been wanting to do another grocery post and hear other peoples ideas and menus. Part of this obsession is magnificed because I am on a diet, but the bigger part is because I am shopping, cooking and feeding these boys endlessly. I think it is a huge important component to my job. I want to make sure we are eating healthy and balanced. That the kids are getting 5-7 servings of fruit and vegetables. That we are eating predominately fresh and I am minimizing the processed food and chemicals. But I am also a middle of the road girl. I don’t shop at Whole Foods because of the price and location. I buy a few things organic but mostly not. (I focus on local instead.) My kids are snack beasts and love Chex Mix and Goldfish above all else. And I should be a whole lot more creative in menu planning. But again – I try. The continuum of life can be so funny. I see myself as so middle of the road on these issues – as I have friends that are infinitely more practiced and disciplined than I. But some folks might see me as a bit extreme. Last weekend I gave the boys a lollipop and my Mom said to Noah “What kind of lollipop is that? Knowing your Mom it’s sweet potato.” (It was in fact an organic lemon lollipop made from real fruit juice that I got at Trader Joe’s. But sadly my kids still do get their fair share of plain old HFCS candy.)

Noah has become a social beast. In the last couple of months he has changed into a boy that would rather be playing with his friends than just hanging with Mama. I’m told this is a sign of four and I welcome it. It makes me feel excited for him to go to his new school in the Fall when he will be going M, T, W from 9 am – 3 pm. It will be a huge change for us both but I can now see that by then he will be totally ready.

I don’t have much new to say about Ray. He is growing up so fast and attaining skill and language at a mind boggling rate but it’s pretty steady and somehow becomes hard to comment on. He is amazing. He is adorable. He is hysterical. He makes me want to have ten more. Almost.

My Mom has scolded me for putting less stuff on the blog and more on Twitter and Facebook and I have to admit it is true. Twitter and FB are infinitely less time consuming then sitting here typing away trying to think what in hell I wanted to say. The only time I really get to do this is on Friday when Noah is at school and Ray is napping but it eats up my only chances at free time. But the main advantage of the blog is that it is more of a memoir. I look at old entries to remember what Noah was like at Ray’s age and I won’t be able to do that if I don’t start getting some stuff up here. I’m thinking I might start doing a Twitter Redux post where at the end of each month I post all the tweets I will want to remember – funny things the kids said and did.

I am also way behind on commenting on other folks blogs. I read everything on my phone. But because of word verification and sign ins it is near impossible to comment from there. I mean to go on computer and back-comment on already read posts but I can never find the time.

Sorry this post was so damn boring. I should be posting fun boy stuff but I’m at a loss a the moment. But at least there is pictures.

Bowling, Big Dig, The Arctic

2009-03-06T14:25:00.001-05:00

Snow day, Fort Day, Flower Show

2009-03-06T13:52:00.002-05:00

The intrigue

2009-02-17T21:54:00.000-05:00

I may be putting his top secret cover at risk but I have to inform you that Noah is a spy. He’s constantly up to some sort of intrigue. And while I don’t mind the adventure of it all I am a bit concerned about how sneaky, secretive and borderline dishonest he can be when he’s on a mission. He’s always lurking about, hiding things, ducking behind objects, writing observations in a notebook and informing me “You can’t see me!”

It may have been the spy in Noah that coerced him to steal a pack of Trident at the grocery store last weekend. He didn’t even realize what it was – just somehow liked the size and shape of it. He said something to me on the way home about having something secret in his pocket but I was too busy driving. When we got home he went right up to his bedroom, which is unusual but I didn’t think too much of it. The next morning when Mark got him out of bed Noah told him to walk ahead because he had a secret he didn’t want seen. When he got to our room he slipped the pack of gum under the pillow and Mark spotted it. He knew what happened instantly since he stole a pack of gum when he was five. What bothered me wasn’t that he stole it but he showed very little remorse. But I guess remorse isn’t a big thing for four year olds. When I took the gum away from him and put it on top of our armoire he cried and said “I just want to hold it. I like how it feels in my hand. It makes me feel lucky.” When I was making breakfast Mark found him up in our room trying to retrieve the gum. He hauled two plastic chairs up the stairs to our room – one to place on each side of the safety gate – and a broom handle to knock the gum down from the armoire. Talk about sneaky and resourceful. Later that afternoon he humbled up and got scared when I took him to the store to return the gum and apologize. I was a tad pissed when the girl behind the customer service counter started going “Awwwwww” when I told her why we were there but with a dirty look and prompting (“What usually happens to people who shoplift?”) I think I got the message across. If he steals something again I’m going to take him to the police department to scare him straight.

The past two weekends I took Noah with me to do some volunteering for the families in the Ronald McDonald House at St. Chistopher’s Hospital. One week made valentines for the kids and on Valentine’s Day we made breakfast for the families at the House. Noah wasn’t a huge asset in accomplishing things but I really want to instill in him both the appreciation for all our good health and good fortune, and also the impulse to help others.

In the last few weeks I’ve noticed a huge change in Noah at school. He’s been at his current preschool program for a year and a half and while he didn’t have much difficulty adjusting, he did go into the program with some friends and he’s always played mostly with them and talked only about them. All of a sudden Noah is coming home talking about several of his classmates and tells me he’s playing with them at school. He’s always taken awhile to warm up in group social situations so it shouldn’t be a surprise but I am very excited for him to finally make new friends on his own.

Have I mentioned that Ray is an artist? He draws. He loves it. He loves markers, crayons, pens, stamps and paint. He’ll start doodling and tell you about the things he is drawing (“Meow” – cat, “Bo Bo” – monkey, “Fra-tee” – snowman) or hand you the pen and ask you to draw something (“Choo choo”). But at the moment his absolute favorite thing is his Magnadoodles. I don’t exaggerate when I tell you that he has spent a solid forty minutes on that thing, that he’s thrown fits when we try to get him to do something else like eat lunch or go to bed, and that he will go to great measures to drag the large one from room to room.

He also is very much into books. Especially when Noah isn’t around. He’ll bring me a book, back into my lap, help me read and then get up and get another. I read him eleven books in a row last Friday afternoon. He loves pointing to the pictures and telling you what they are. Right now “Good Night Moon,” “Curious George Rides,” “Rainbow Fish” and “Danny and the Dinosaur” are in heavy rotation.

Me? I’ve given up wine for a month. I wasn’t drinking too much necessarily, just too often. Almost nightly. And those empty calories are not needed right before bed. It has been taking it’s toll. I also need to stop having the occasional cigarette. I don’t like the taste, the smell or the feeling but still I want one. That’s addiction for ya. But it’s not healthy or fair to my kids and it needs to stop. I need to see my sister Jessica. It’s been a year. She’s gone from a confused little girl to a frustrated young woman. Last time she visited she seemed really bored and inconvenienced. But I guess she is thirteen going on fourteen and they all act that way so I shouldn’t have taken it so personally. Unfortunately any attempts I have made in the last year to keep in touch with her have been totally one way. But I need to make more of an effort. I’m so angry with myself. I also have to send Christmas presents to my sister Elisha and my adorable nephew. I need to go on a diet. I need to get a haircut. I need to get more sleep. I need to get off the damn computer.

Bits and baubles

2009-02-06T12:54:00.003-05:00

I honestly haven’t much to report but feel I am overdue. Can't promise exciting.

After diagnosed with the two hairline fractures in my foot they gave a behemoth walking boot. I tired of the inconvenience of it after a few days. The doctor told me the purpose of the boot was to inhibit my movement so that I would not overextend myself and to protect my foot from getting hurt worse if someone were to bump into, step on it. But since I had to take it off to drive and it was a danger to get up and down the stairs of our row home I gave up on it. The foot should be heeling by itself and I have a follow-up Xray in the beginning of March. It’s feeling much better moment to moment though it still hurts to step on uneven ground and I can’t move my three smaller toes.

On the resolutions list the dieting and exercise flew way out the window after the foot injury. Actually, I am sure I’ve gained weight since then which is depressing. But I hope as soon as I have a healthy foot I can get down to some business. However I am reading a lot more, making more plans to get out by myself and working toward producing less trash (significantly decreased use of plastic water bottles, now need to work on paper towels), looking forward to attending some sort of compost and planting workshop in the spring (will let you know what I find out, Becca) and doing some volunteer work the next two weekends with hopes that it is just the start. Still need a bit of a restart that will most likely come with consistent warmer weather. Need to be warmer to be fuzzier. And still really need to reorganize everything but not willing to waste time to accomplish it when the organization is so very fleeting.

Noah is working on learning to read. A couple of days a week we work on early reader books and he very much enjoys them. And the feeling of excitement that he is learning to read. However I am a bit concerned by how easily he can memorize the story and yet not actually recognize the words out of context. Natural, yes but still a bit frustrating. If he was only memorizing the phonics as quickly as the books. And dang – that boy is chatty. Sometimes I feel like he never takes a breath. What with all the talk of spies and shows and kung fu and adventures. He is amazing but he’s wearing me out a bit. All that exuberance.

Not only is Ray developing verbally, he is also developing physically. He is a jumping maniac. He climbs on top of tables and couches and beds and jumps off – landing on his two feet. We went to a dance birthday party for one of Noah’s friends and Ray was following a lot of the dance instruction with the big kids. The woman next to me told me I better put him in lessons soon. And he gets in to everything – pulling chairs over to get into cabinets, turning toys on their sides so he can use them to climb on. And once he has his hands on that bag of cookies, jar of paint, sharp utensil there is HELL to pay when you take it away. He yells, he swats, he throws stuff. I ignore him which makes him even more hysterical until I scoop him up to calm him down. And then he remembers what he wants again and starts over. Don’t get me wrong - Ray is overall insanely good natured and sweet. People always remark on how good natured, outgoing and affectionate he is – doling out kisses to strangers. But he is a demanding little man. And I know I have made that point a hundred times – but though constant the kids continue to astound me. Hell – you observe something 12 hours a day, every day and try to not constantly remark on it, even at the most obvious. YOU CAN’T.

We just joined a winter harvest buying club that now has us getting weekly shipments of local produce, dairy and baked goods. We got our first delivery last night and YUM. Yogurt, cheddar, bread, potatoes, carrots, spinach, pink lady apples, beets, squash and kale. With this club you can order what you want (meat, soap and coffee, even) which is in some ways nicer than our summer CSA but in others less exciting. Been meaning to do a blog grocery list comparison like we did eons ago - curious again about what everyone eats - but need to allot time to type out my grocery receipt.

My vacation bug has now got me dreaming of Germany. My Oma made a comment last week about wanting to visit her family one more time before she is too old to travel and next thing you know I was mentally packing our bags. It would be nice to finally get over there and spend some time with family, and I always had hoped to go with Oma to serve as a translator and a link between the families, but it would be a BIG trip. One that won’t be too easy with two small children (Ray actually, Noah would be cake) and that might be impossible to take given my Oma’s medical issues and inability to find her green card and passport. And the time is such that we would have to go end of April or not at all. There is only a very, very slight possibility it could happen. But who knows. Might not be a total pipe dream.

Long lines at the sto

2009-02-05T13:25:00.000-05:00

And YES that is a bag of cheese curls in my cart. So sue me. Will blog soon. I swear.

Hither, thither and nowhere

2009-01-16T14:05:00.002-05:00

I’m ready to discuss Christmas and it’s not quite yet July. Yay me!

The month leading up to Christmas was tense. All that budgeting, gift selecting, shopping and wrapping is just too much to add to all the normal stuff I can’t get around to. I had thought since we had budgeted some money for Christmas this year that it would be so much easier – I wouldn’t be trying to pick out WOW gifts for $15. But in fact I still was. My Christmas buying list has 40 names on it – which seems ridiculous but I don’t know how to make it smaller since already it’s only core family members and kids. But somehow we got it done.

The boys were not too hard to deal with. Noah got a karoke machine, an acoustic guitar and a spy scope from Santa. And then “we” got him some books and art supplies. Ray got some Play Doh, a grocery cart and a stuffed Muno from Santa, and we didn’t get him squat. Hell, he gets all Noah’s crap. The family got them all kinds of things – mountains of stuff. Noah’s favorites were his new two wheeler bike, his Indiana Jones hat and whip, a talking monkey, new activity books and some DVDs. And I am happy to report they also got some savings and education money.

Mark and I didn’t exchange gifts this year because I didn’t want to waste money giving each other cheap knick knacks that we either didn’t need or weren’t very exciting. Of course our families are so tremendously generous that it made up for it. Is it telling we got liquor store gift certificates from three different family members? We got some new furniture from Mom so that we can accommodate more sitting in our living room and also some money from others to be used towards a bit of redecorating the space.

My step mother-in-law bought me a pair of Uggs for Christmas. When I opened them I immediately planned on returning them and buying shoes for the entire family with the money. I disliked Uggs for the reason that I believe many like them - when you see them you immediately know they were expensive. I find that flashy, prestige sort of thing fairly abhorrent. But I tried them on and DAMN they were comfy. And then I realized that the whole thing with Uggs is that the lining keeps your feet body temperature no matter how warm or cold it is outside. You wear them without socks and your feet never sweat. And I thought that is damn handy since I hate to wear socks and I have sweaty feet. But I still set them aside for a few weeks. I had to go out of town to return them and with the stomach flu we were experiencing that wasn’t happening. And then Mark made a very valid point. I am always saying that the perfect gift is getting something for someone that they wouldn’t necessarily buy for themselves but that they soon find that they love. And these Uggs were the prime example. And so I am wearing them and loving them. They are the only shoe that I can wear and doesn’t put added stress on my sore ankle. I just wish I didn’t constantly worry that other people were thinking “How in the how can she afford $150 boots?”

The part of Christmas this year that was really a joy was the boys excitement. They loved decorating and seeing decorations. They loved seeing all of their family. They loved Christmas Carols. I still don’t have all the decorations away because they adore the Nutcrackers and the musical tree so much that I know they will mourn them. Ray loves Frosty the Snowman so much that he seems to be able to spot even the tiniest one on a row home door from a mile away. Luckily snowmen decorations last the season and he has a few more weeks before there will be no more Frosty sightings.

At 18 months old Ray is speaking SO MUCH. I can’t even think of all the things he can say – of course in his stilted dialect that only we can understand. Some of the standouts are - more, teeth, please, meow (used to refer to the cats but also to speak to them – will say 25 of them in a row like having a conversation with the cat), dog, ball, boot, book, Dora, choo choo, no, uh huh, Frosty, Mommy (I am begging him to use Mama but he is resistant), Daddy, Spy (he calls both of the cats by this name, Parker is pissed), ice cream, cheese, yummy, hat, hot, bag, hi, bye, see, banana and (most important for a second child) MINE. He still loves to play in the water more than anything else. He pulls a kitchen chair up to the sink about three times a day. He loves trains and any kind of animal elicits squeals of glee. He likes to pretend to feed things and love on pets until they run away from over-loving. He is hard to divert when he really wants something but he also knows how to hold his own against his brother. Sometimes I think he even antagonizes Noah. He’s still nursing, mostly at sleep times but will also request additional times by stomping up to me and tapping on my chest with his finger. He has always been a much better sleeper than Noah and even the patches when he has sleep issues from growth spurts and teething are nothing with what we went through with his older brother. He remains overall FUNNY. Even when he’s climbing on everything and getting into things he shouldn’t he does it with a devilish, come-hither smile. He laughs easily and is a constant source of smiles.

Noah remains smart, imaginative, inquisitive, creative and dramatic. He will gladly tell you he is part Super Noah, part spy, part Indiana Jones, part rock star and part Tarzan. He has a lot of questions about what is real and what isn’t - which things he sees on TV are real, people in costumes, puppets or drawn. He is distressed that he doesn’t yet know how to read. We’ve been reading him chapter books before bed but I really need to spend time with him and early reader books so he can get use to sight words and do more phonics. He is advanced but not as advanced as he’d like so I really need to help him out. He loves stories, adventures in particular. After reading James and The Giant Peach we saw the play and then watched the movie. We talked a lot about the differences in the stories and how people tell the same story in different ways. After reading the Tale of Desperaux I took him to see the movie, his second movie theater experience (Wall-E was the first). It made me laugh that he seemed to think we were going to see a play – asking about actors, curtains and spot lights. He’s in a new dance class this season, one that will focus a little bit more on teaching actual moves rather than just being creative with movement. These classes have been really great for him – encouraging him even more to act things out. He really is quite the little performer. He told me the other day that he wanted to be a TV person. And he is a talker. He talks and talks and talks.

Mark is still hard at work at Drexel. He has been having a difficult time getting rid of some chest congestion that has been lingering for the past month. He has coughed so hard that he hurt his chest muscles. But I think he is finally on the mend.

Me? Have I mentioned that I hate winter? That I hurt my foot? My foot is healing though it still hurts, getting worse the longer I am on it. I just got a brace that will hopefully help, though at the moment it seems to make it hurt more. I am anxious for it to get better so I can start working out but I can’t even fathom jumping on it or doing a downward dog with it for at least a few more weeks. And I have to be cautious since reinjury is common when you overextend yourself too early. And I haven’t the determination to start the diet without the exercise so I am just wallowing. Trying to make it through the winter months.

I have been daydreaming about going to Guatemala. A friend told me how affordable ($30 hotel rooms, $300 RT) and lovely it is and next thing you know I was planning on taking the whole family. Mark even bought me a guide book. Problem is the rainy season is May – December and though I tried to tempt him, Mark knows it’s too soon to plan such an exotic vacation, with no money set aside, Sesame Street Spanish, and less than three months. Course I hope to be pregnant by next January so that makes Guatemala again a faroff dream. But for a few days there I was fantasizing about taking the boys swimming in the picturesque volcano-surrounded Lake Atitlan. It’s always easier to get through the winter doldroms when you have something warm and exciting to look forward to. We’ll go to OC NJ with my Mom in July but that seems a million years away. I need a coping mechanism to help me pull through February. Maybe I just need one of them damn lamps.

All the colors of the rain... barrel

2009-01-09T08:57:00.003-05:00

Ten years ago after having drinks with my cousin I came home to the realization that I had lost my keys during the course of the evening. Rather than seek a sane solution I decided to climb a large fence, jump down in the back yard and scale the fire escape and let myself in the deck door I knew was open on my third floor apartment. Sounds smart, right? So I got up on the fence by climbing on my cousins car and then I realized that I hadn’t contemplated the jump down on the other side. Luckily, AHA! I could see a lidded barrel on the ground. So I jumped on it and the old metal rain barrel lid gave way and I found myself waist deep in old, dirty water. I hauled myself out and FANCY THAT I had a giant piece of glass sticking out of my foot. (Oh right, I was barefoot because who could scale a fence in platform heels.) I hopped up the fire escape let myself in the house, bled all over it, pulled the giant piece of broken beer bottle out of my foot, wrapped it in a towel and scooted down the stairs on my butt so my cousin could take me to the emergency room to get stitches. Ah… youth.

Well it never healed right. I have a scar and lump on the bottom of that foot. It doesn’t bother me unless I wear incredibly tight shoes – like roller blades or ice skates. Or when I sprain my ankle, have a swollen foot and begin walking in a way that puts pressure of my old barrel jumping injury.

I tell you this to both be “Woe as me, my po lil foot” (pretty colors isn't it) but also because that’s such a fun memory.

Just swell

2009-01-06T11:18:00.000-05:00

After a week of being stuck in the house as we exchanged a nasty stomach bug, I decided it would be fun to sprain my ankle. I slipped on a wayward whistle and landed with the top of my foot to the ground. I tried to stay off it all day yesterday and overnight some of the swelling went down, but it still isn't pleasant. We are all grumpy and cabin-fevery messes. In-laws are coming today to chase kids around a bit.
And all of this 2009 bad luck either stems from a lack of the good luck Pork & sauerkraut on New Years Day or from bad karma as a result of my bitching. Maybe both.

Resolute

2009-01-04T21:09:00.002-05:00

I owe a huge thank you to all of you who, after my last post, commented, emailed, called, reached out to let me know you understand, that it’s going to be okay, to agree I needed something more for myself and to ask how you could help. I am an incredibly lucky woman to have so much emotional support at a time when I really need it. One of the most powerful things is just having other Moms say that though their circumstances are different that they know just how I feel. It’s such a simple, common human need - to feel like you are not alone, that what you feel is justified, real, and relatable. So again, thanks.

And now we’re in a new year and it seems a perfect time to really try to put into practice some change. This year I feel like I’m swimming in a sea of resolutions. Some of them are practical solutions to deal with what is going on with me, and others are just acknowledgements that I could be better, could do better. I’m sure this is just a list I can repeat every year for the next ten years, but here it goes.

1. Attain better physical health. Adopt a healthier eating regimen centered on more whole foods, more water, less caffeine and less wine. Get regular exercise.

2. Make more time for myself. Put into place a schedule by which I will have regular designated time to read, write, and decompress. For starters Mark and I have decided we don’t have to both do the bathtime and bed preparation ritual every night. Switching off nights allows the other person to have a personal hour a couple of nights a week – one I plan on using to read. Reading is therapy to me and I am in dire need. But this is just a start – I need more than three hours a week and I have to make a concrete plan on how and when to take them.

3. Be a better mother. Yell less. Breathe more. Get information on better management and coping techniques.

4. Be a better earthling. Make less trash. Learn to compost. Grow some food. Recycle more. Reuse more. Donate more.

5. Be a better person. Be more kind. Be more positive. Be more generous. Be more thoughtful. Be more thankful. Be more loving. Start with those closest - my husband, my mother, my family, my friends – but spread it further. Be less judgmental, less cynical.

6. Get it together. Reorganize. Take everything out of the place it’s just shoved and decide what is needed, what can go, what stays and precisely where it belongs. (Of course this is part of what I have been silently fixating on for over a month, driving me toward madness and yet I can’t even get my damn laundry folded. Ahem.) Make a plan for basic house cleaning – this worked well a long time ago and we have to put it back in place.

So a bit of practicality and a bit of shooting for the moon. I’m sure in loading up my plate I’ve diluted some of my ability to have an impact. But also I know some of these things are like dominos – better health means better disposition which means better mother which means better person, etc. Though it would surely take a miracle for me to find enough time to clean out cabinets AND read a book. Cleaner cabinets or cleaner mind? Seems an easy question to answer until you open a cabinet and lose your mind.

He doesn't take requests.

2008-12-30T12:04:00.000-05:00

No matter how adamant the requests.

Self indulgent to be sure

2008-12-27T21:59:00.002-05:00

I need to blog. Need. Sure, I have a million things I need to document – Ray’s verbal explosion, Noah’s memorization of the colors of his bathtub alphabet, questioning of the world and it’s workings, and preschool enrollment for the Fall, and of course all the Christmas shenanigans and hullabaloo. But the reason I’m here blogging is because of an overwhelming need I have to unload, to reveal, to share – about me.

I’ve been having a really hard time for a couple of weeks now. Or longer. I’m not exactly sure when it started. And I can’t pin it to one thing. It’s a bunch of things.

Winter depresses me these days. The season of sickness and entombment. The cold, the colds and the seclusion. It’s harder to get out of the house because it’s uncomfortable to just merely be outside. My skin is dry and itchy and my body cries out for just a little bit of sun.

Christmas makes me a bit blue. The constant struggle between the practicalities of Christmas – all that needs to be planned and bought and done – and what I feel like it should really should be – the selfless giving, thoughtfulness and mere enjoyment of each others company.

My Janette is moving away. My best friend from college, my bridesmaid, my guardian angel. To me she’s always been this incredibly positive force – this generous, loving, peaceful person with nary a mean bone in her body who inspires me to be less cynical. And we share a bond now that I share with noone else – she is my only pre-child friend (so she knows me for things other than being a Mom, understands me and still likes me) who is also home with her children. She knows exactly what I’m going through. I can tell her things about my daily struggles and know that she will instantly understand, sympathize and not pass judgment. And she’s moving to Maine. It really is heartbreaking. Yes, there is email, and twitter, and there will be vacations. But that really isn’t the same. Not nearly.

And of course that is the heart of the matter. Or the what’s the matter. My daily struggles. I AM BURNT OUT. I am overextended. I am not at my best. And I need to fix it. Fast. But I haven’t a clue as to how to do it without compromising my values.

I have made a commitment to myself, to my husband, to my kids – to make sacrifices. To put what I might want aside for the greater good – for the good of my children. And I am happy to do that. Proud to do that. It’s important to me. To us. But just making a decision to sacrifice doesn’t necessarily make every moment easy. It can still weigh you down, especially over time. I haven’t done much of anything for myself in over four years. And it’s taken a toll. Have I taken it too far? Yes. Obviously. Because I’m constantly snapping. Not so much at the kids, because I try really hard to keep that in check, but sometimes even that fails. But I am snapping at everyone else. My husband chief among them. He’s often just trying to help me and I end up biting his head off. I yell at him because I can’t yell at the kids. Because I’m boiling over and strung out.

I need to do something for myself. And I need to figure out how to manage doing it. And in my mind I need to figure out the bare minimum of what I need so as not to upset our life too much or be too self indulgent. Maybe it’s as small as actually sticking to getting out of the house for two hours a week to take a yoga class – but even that proved so difficult a couple of months ago.

Of course the big follow-up question is WHY on earth in the midst of this am I still trying to get pregnant and have a third? It took two years between the time we started trying to conceive a second and the day Ray was born – and there are many ups and downs in two years so I don’t think my current low point says much of anything about what things will look like a year or two from now. And though I totally realize that having three small children will be stressful, more stressful than having two, and require at least the same amount of sacrifice if not more, I know that in the long run I want a larger family and I am willing to pay the piper upfront. I try to think of my life looking forward and keep in mind what I want the end result to be and not to get too mired down in the now when making the big decisions.

But of course in this now I need help. Help from myself. I need to find a balance between the kind of attachment parenting I do naturally and what I need to do to keep some semblance of a ME. I need a calm center, a place to breathe. And once I find that place again hopefully it will be all that much easier to hold on to, or get back to. No matter how many kids I have.

I want to be a happier person. A less grumpy person. A less stressed out to the gills biting the heads off of the people she loves person.

And there you have it. End system dump.

Our finest delicates

2008-12-18T14:43:00.000-05:00

Ray thought it was hysterical when he closed the cat in the china cabinet. The only thing that tops that is joining him. Now I know why Gagama's china cabinet has been sitting empty.

Feel the fury

2008-12-11T09:20:00.000-05:00

Last time I blogged about Ray's anger Patrice and Wendy said they had never seen the dark side of my good natured angel. This video is for them.
Ray likes to play with water in the sink. He wants me to leave the water trickling for an hour several times a day. He pulls the chair over to the sink and starts making demands. And there is never enough. As you can see.

Not for the faint of heart

2008-12-08T14:20:00.000-05:00

Or the fastidiously clean. Lots of glitter and tiny paper bits everywhere.

Sugary sweet

2008-12-08T10:01:00.000-05:00

We survived cookie day at Grandma & Grandpa Larry's yesterday. Seven adults, seven kids and three dogs all sticky with a fine layer of icing.
Saturday morning I took the boys to breakfast with Santa at Macy's. Noah was a bit disappointed Santa wasn't actually eating with us, and that the Nutcracker's Mouse King posed for pictures but did not dance, but otherwise it was a good time. Last week I sent a couple of friends on a wild goose chase to find scratch off tickets that got you discounts on the PA Ballet's Nutcracker. You would've thought the damn things were akin to the holy grail. Finally I got a few and only one had a 20 percent discount which is something but doesn't exactly make good seats insanely affordable. But still thinking of getting a pair. Mark will probably end up taking Noah if it is a weeknight show. (Boo!)
But aside from these few holiday outings we have been stuck in the house. Noah's cold is still pretty nasty. The mornings are full of hacking and the evenings are feverish. Last night he coughed so much he vomited in the car on the ride back from Grandmas. Hooray for holiday memories.

Here kitty, kitty

2008-12-01T14:22:00.000-05:00

I think if Ray could talk he'd put this puma on his Christmas list.

Black Friday Tradition

2008-11-30T10:59:00.002-05:00

I don't shop on Black Friday. Crowds make me crazy and I honestly don't like shopping all that much. Last year I did all our Christmas shopping online and at Target. And this year will probably be similar though I can't be sure because I haven't bought a single gift yet.
On Black Friday we took the Santa Express, a special subway line that takes Santa to the Gallery Mall for the official start of the Christmas shopping season. Then we march through the mall with a Mummers string band, dancing and caroling. Then we jet on over to the Reading Terminal holiday train display and then on to Macy's for the light show, Dickens Village and a hot date with Santa. It's a hectic way to spend a morning when we also host a leftover Potluck that evening -but I really value the tradition and hope to do it just this way for many years.
Noah is all too starstruck to smile when we sit with Santa, though he does realize he is not the one and only Santa. I like the magic of the Santa myth but I do my own version, explaining that there are armies of store Santas that report to the big North Pole Santa who makes all the deliveries on Christmas Eve. There are no Santa threats for behavior at my house, though we know that Santa does want us to be nice. And Santa only brings one or two special toys and fills our stocking, while Mama and Daddy buy a few extras.
After Noah asked Santa for a real monkey, a live penguin and the Hess truck, I was pleased when Santa explained to Noah that he can't really travel with live animals and that wild things don't make good pets. And then he said "I'm sure I will think of something special for you."
Ray already recognizes Santa - getting excited and signing for "more" when he sees them. Both boys really loved watching the Thanksgiving Day parade - Noah liking the floats and Ray delighting in the balloons.
We had two lovely Thanksgiving meals - a huge blowout for 27 at my Mom's place and a smaller family meal on Saturday with my Dad, Oma, my brother and his family. And our Potluck was fun this year - though noone ate. Everytime we have people over I debate with myself on whether to invite the families we're friends with or the old coworkers and drinking pals. This year it was a drinking crew that stayed later and got a bit more sloshed than the family bunch with which we normally spend time. But damn how I laughed. Since we don't get to go out to the bars anymore it is quite a relief when they come to us and we still have a good time. But damn did Noah have a hangover.

Just like the Ipod commercials.

2008-11-28T16:10:00.000-05:00

Noah enjoys his Ipod on the train into Manhattan. May beone of my favorite videos ever.

When you send your husband to the store

2008-11-28T16:05:00.000-05:00

And he isn't quite sure what he should pick up, you might get a video like this.

Below snuff

2008-11-25T05:40:00.000-05:00

A feverish Noah came running up to our room at 4 am with the news "An alligator bited me!" He later explained "A little lobster with a horn on it got rid of the all the other lobsters and then he told me the part of the ocean with the alligator in it was his favorite part. So I swam over there and the alligator bited my foot." He climbed into our bed, which Ray had already wormed himself into. And remarkably I was unable to fall back to sleep. When Noah and I came downstairs to his room he expected to see the gator but then ventured "Maybe he ran away because he felt bad for biting me and making me cry. Maybe he was just trying to tickle me." I dosed him up with Ibuprofen and he asked "Can we go watch TV now because I'm sick?"

Teddy Bear A Go Go

2008-11-24T18:55:00.000-05:00

The boys delight in a pile of $120 teddy bears at FAO Schwartz.

watch out for king kong

2008-11-22T21:25:00.000-05:00

Empire State Building, Cirque's Wintuk, & FAO Schwartz. Two small kids. Freezing temperatures. Ambitous. Exhausting. Fantastic. Memories to last a lifetime.